when

today's minzy's 4th month after birth, and her 10th day by her corrected age. she was supposed to come out on the 1st of sep. nothing can be said to be lucky for preemies actually. no celebrations.. no human touch.. lots of needles, surgeries, tubes down her nose and her mouth.. lots of tears. and now, with covid, we can't even visit her. it's already been 2.5weeks since i last seen her. i miss her so much.

staying at home... pumping every 3hours... eating junk food here and there. whoever says that junk food makes you happy? it doesn't. i feel worse the more i ate. i'm alone about 90% of the time. yesterday, a mosquito buzzed near my ear and i couldn't even get myself to sleep in my bedroom, so i moved to another room. but the crickets' cries were so loud and i kept jumping at every insect-like sound. i slept by myself and for the first time, i was scared.

i wake up, and i feel homesick all day. i miss singapore. i miss my mom, my sis. i miss minzy. i miss the food there. i miss being able to just take an elevator down to get my food, or to be able to walk to a shopping complex nearby. i miss everything my mom cooked. anything is better than 1 meal a day here, with snacks here and there. i feel so malnutritioned i wonder if my breastmilk is even fit for minzy. i wonder if i will be able to even make proper food for her next time. 

my body doesn't feel the same anymore. i can't fist my palms properly. i suffer from neckache, backache, my knees hurt when i bend and my arms are weak. i'm not sure if it's because i'm not sleeping properly.. or if i keep getting clogged ducts, but it hasn't fully recover since delivery. my hands tremble when i exert strength. i feel so weak, helpless and dependent on others. my boobs hurt... my hairs keep falling. i keep getting triggered emotionally by every single thing. i can't control my tears and i feel so sorry for myself. 

i wonder if it will be the same when minzy comes home. will i be happier with a little human by my side? will i be frustrated and helpless, not knowing how to care for her? i don't want to be a bad mother. i'm scared and i have no help. i wish my mom was here. 

i realise i'm still just a little kid inside. i never knew i could be so homesick. i never knew i was so powerless. i wonder when i can grow up. i wonder when i can get a hug. when will someone pat me and tell me everything's gonna be ok..