Materialism
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new BMW in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the BMW.
The counsellor immediately grabbed his mobile phone, dialled 999, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realise that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"My God!" screamed the lawyer...........
(Scroll Down)
Where's my Rolex?!?"
Monday, January 05, 2004
The Physics Of Santa And His Reindeer
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
There are two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75? million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see above) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload (not even counting the weight of the sleigh) - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.
In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
There are two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75? million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see above) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload (not even counting the weight of the sleigh) - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.
In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Saturday, January 03, 2004
VEAL
Do you enjoy eating VEAL? do you know what veal is? It is the meat of a baby calf that has been starved to death so that the meat is pale pink, almost white. It is served in most Five Star Hotels, and can be bought at certain supermarkets . The VEAL calf industry is among the worst of all kinds of intensive animal agriculture. It is literally a fate far worse than death.
Male calfs are taken from their mothers one or two days after birth. They are chained inside tiny crates barely larger than their bodies and are kept in total darkness. During their brief lives, they never see the sun or touch the earth. They never see or taste grass. Their muscles ache for freedom and exercise. They long for maternal care.....
About 14-16 weeks after their birth, they are slaughtered. The Calfs home is a VEAL crate, a wooden restraining device that is so small (22 inches by 54 inches) that the calves cannot turn around. Designed to prevent any movement, the crate does its job of atrophying the calves' muscles, THUS PRODUCING TENDER "GOURMET" VEAL.
Imagine if you had to sit in one position for months without being able to move at all. The calves also suffer from open sores caused by the constant rubbing against the crates. There is no bedding on which they lie, simply hard wood. They will never walk again. In fact, they will never stand again except when they go for slaughter - and by then they are so weak their limbs have become useless. These are little babies who will never see even one year of life. Have never romped and played, have never seen another calf or anyone- just a big bottle of forcible feed mush which is shoved into their throat every few hours and injections that pierce their skin regularly to make them fatter and keep them alive. They cough all the time and their faeces comes out in painful streams dirtying their nether parts.
The calves are fed a high fat liquid feed intentionally lacking in iron and other essential nutrients. This diet keeps the animals anaemic and creates the pale pink or white colour considered desirable in VEAL. Craving iron, the calves lick urine-saturated salts and any metallic parts of their stalls. Farmers also withhold water from the animals, who, always thirsty, are driven to drink the disgusting slop the feed is.
Because of such extremely unhealthy living conditions and food, the calves soon develop chronic pneumonia and constant diarrhoea. Consequently, they are given massive doses of antibiotics and other drugs just to keep them alive. The antibiotics are passed onto the consumers in the meat.
That's not all that's passed along. Most international veal production companies give calves 'clenbuterol' , a dangerous and illegal drug that speeds growth and increases anaemia in the calves, producing more expensive white meat. Calves treated with 'clenbuterol' can be sold for slaughter at 12 to 13 weeks of age, rather than the standard 16 weeks. Even trace amounts of 'clenbuterol' can cause severe illness in humans, including increased heart rate, tremors, breathing difficulties, fever and even death.
In 1996 the EU voted to ban the VEAL crate across Europe, but the veal industry said they would suffer economically, so it will be phased out and removed in the year 2007 only. Yet the trade will continue to thrive in various other countries.
People who eat veal basically are eating the pale and tender meat of a very sick baby cow who was tortured to death. They are also eating antibiotics and hormones that kept the baby alive long after its body had given up. The meat is so white because there are NO nutrients in it. It is senseless food eaten by the senseless and savoured for its colour and chewability rather than any intrinsic merit.
Surely, if a person is paying soooo much money for the meal, he must want something in exchange: Apart from drugs and cancer????
Don't buy veal, and tell friends, neighbours and relatives why
Do you enjoy eating VEAL? do you know what veal is? It is the meat of a baby calf that has been starved to death so that the meat is pale pink, almost white. It is served in most Five Star Hotels, and can be bought at certain supermarkets . The VEAL calf industry is among the worst of all kinds of intensive animal agriculture. It is literally a fate far worse than death.
Male calfs are taken from their mothers one or two days after birth. They are chained inside tiny crates barely larger than their bodies and are kept in total darkness. During their brief lives, they never see the sun or touch the earth. They never see or taste grass. Their muscles ache for freedom and exercise. They long for maternal care.....
About 14-16 weeks after their birth, they are slaughtered. The Calfs home is a VEAL crate, a wooden restraining device that is so small (22 inches by 54 inches) that the calves cannot turn around. Designed to prevent any movement, the crate does its job of atrophying the calves' muscles, THUS PRODUCING TENDER "GOURMET" VEAL.
Imagine if you had to sit in one position for months without being able to move at all. The calves also suffer from open sores caused by the constant rubbing against the crates. There is no bedding on which they lie, simply hard wood. They will never walk again. In fact, they will never stand again except when they go for slaughter - and by then they are so weak their limbs have become useless. These are little babies who will never see even one year of life. Have never romped and played, have never seen another calf or anyone- just a big bottle of forcible feed mush which is shoved into their throat every few hours and injections that pierce their skin regularly to make them fatter and keep them alive. They cough all the time and their faeces comes out in painful streams dirtying their nether parts.
The calves are fed a high fat liquid feed intentionally lacking in iron and other essential nutrients. This diet keeps the animals anaemic and creates the pale pink or white colour considered desirable in VEAL. Craving iron, the calves lick urine-saturated salts and any metallic parts of their stalls. Farmers also withhold water from the animals, who, always thirsty, are driven to drink the disgusting slop the feed is.
Because of such extremely unhealthy living conditions and food, the calves soon develop chronic pneumonia and constant diarrhoea. Consequently, they are given massive doses of antibiotics and other drugs just to keep them alive. The antibiotics are passed onto the consumers in the meat.
That's not all that's passed along. Most international veal production companies give calves 'clenbuterol' , a dangerous and illegal drug that speeds growth and increases anaemia in the calves, producing more expensive white meat. Calves treated with 'clenbuterol' can be sold for slaughter at 12 to 13 weeks of age, rather than the standard 16 weeks. Even trace amounts of 'clenbuterol' can cause severe illness in humans, including increased heart rate, tremors, breathing difficulties, fever and even death.
In 1996 the EU voted to ban the VEAL crate across Europe, but the veal industry said they would suffer economically, so it will be phased out and removed in the year 2007 only. Yet the trade will continue to thrive in various other countries.
People who eat veal basically are eating the pale and tender meat of a very sick baby cow who was tortured to death. They are also eating antibiotics and hormones that kept the baby alive long after its body had given up. The meat is so white because there are NO nutrients in it. It is senseless food eaten by the senseless and savoured for its colour and chewability rather than any intrinsic merit.
Surely, if a person is paying soooo much money for the meal, he must want something in exchange: Apart from drugs and cancer????
Don't buy veal, and tell friends, neighbours and relatives why
Friday, January 02, 2004
English Girl
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An English girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
The one I asked for- the English girl!!"
"Oh, that," she said. "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl !!!"
Moral of the story: "Don't tempt a woman, they are too intelligent."
Scottish Girlfriend
A Scottish girlfriend is giving directions to her prospective boyfriend, who is coming to visit: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in Apartment 14 A . There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14 A . I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.
"Baby, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"
"Hamish Darling, you're not coming empty handed, are you?"
BAD NEWS ABOUT BEER
Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn't drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers : "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An English girl !!!" The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
The one I asked for- the English girl!!"
"Oh, that," she said. "Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl !!!"
Moral of the story: "Don't tempt a woman, they are too intelligent."
Scottish Girlfriend
A Scottish girlfriend is giving directions to her prospective boyfriend, who is coming to visit: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in Apartment 14 A . There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14 A . I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.
"Baby, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"
"Hamish Darling, you're not coming empty handed, are you?"
BAD NEWS ABOUT BEER
Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn't drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
Wednesday, December 31, 2003
Fruits Feast
A plane crash on an island, only three guys survived. They were captured by the cannibal tribe and brought before the chief.
The chief said: "I will let you live if you manage to pass two trials."
They got no other choice but to ask: "What will be the first trial?"
Chief said: "Go into the forest and bring me ten fruits of the same kind."
They thought: "That's easy." So three of them set off immediately.
The first guy came back with ten apples. The chief told him that he had to stuff the ten apples into his ass without even making a noise to pass the second trial. The first one went in fine, but when the second one went in, he couldn't help but to scream in pain. He was chop into pieces and dump into the cooking pot with the apples he brought.
The second guy came back with ten cherries, The chief told him that he had to stuff the ten cherries into his ass without even making a noise to pass the second trial. The first one went in fine, the second one also went in fine, everything went fine until the last one, then he couldn't help but to laugh out loud. He was chop into pieces and dump into the cooking pot with the cherries he brought.
The first guy met the second guy in heaven and asked: "You could have survived, but why do you have to laugh at the last moment?"
Second guy said: "I couldn't help it, because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."
Rubber Things
A young girl's car broke down in front of a farm in a stormy night; she got no choice but to take shelter at the farm for the night. The farmer was unwilling at first, but only agree to it at one condition: "Both my sons are at their young and innocent age right now, I will only agree to let you stay for the night only if you promise that you will not sneak into their room in the middle of the night."
The girl agrees to the condition and stay for the night. She can't help but to sneak into the farmer sons' room in the middle of the night.
She told the two young man: "I am going to give you two the best time of your life, but I don't want to be pregnant, so you two will have to wear these rubber things.
Fifty years later, the two brothers were sitting in front of the farm.
"Do you still remember the girl who came into our room on a stormy night thirty years ago?"
"Sure do! I really had the best time of my life."
"Do you care if she really get pregnant now?"
"No, why do you ask?"
Do you think it's about time we remove that rubber thing?"
Monkey Bar
An old man brought his pet monkey to a bar, he went and sit down at the bar counter and let the monkey loose.
The monkey run to the pool table, grab the white ball and swallows it.
The bartender was so angry that he chases the old man and his monkey out of the bar. A week later, the old man came back with the monkey.
The bartender give the monkey a bowl of peanuts to keep it occupied so that it would not create problem in his bar again. But after a while he can't help but to asks the old man: "I seem to notice that your monkey is doing some disgusting thing, why do he had to put every peanut into his ass hole first before he eat it?"
The old man answered: "You remember the white ball he swallow last week? He got a hard time ****ting it out, so now he will measure everything before he eat it."
Stock Exchange
A shop owner employed a new shopkeeper. One day, when the shop owner was not around, a customer came by looking for a bottle of kerosene. The shopkeeper went into the store and search, came back and said: "Sorry, sir. We just run out of kerosene this morning."
The customer left. After the shop owner came back, the shopkeeper informs him about the incident.
The shop owner was angry: "Why you never recommend something similar like the paint thinner? We still got a lot of paint thinner in our store."
Another day, when the shop owner was not around, a customer came by looking for a roll of toilet paper. The shopkeeper went into the store and search, came back and said: "Sorry, sir. We just run out of toilet paper this morning, would you like to get some sand paper instead?"
Duck Tales
A duck went into a provision store and asked: "Do you have any grapes?"
The shopkeeper answer: "No, we don't sell grapes here."
The next day, the duck came back again and asked: "Do you have any grapes?"
The shopkeeper answer: "No, we don't sell grapes here. How many times do I have to tell you? If you come and bother me again, I am going to nail your feet to the ground."
The next day, the duck came back again and asked: "Do you have any nails?"
The shopkeeper was surprised; he went into the store and search. He came back after a while and said: "I am sorry, sir. We happen to run out of nails this morning."
The duck said: " Then do you happen to have any grapes?"
Pretty Woman
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, then walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "That was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it ;I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies the husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife.
International Call
A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims, "I don't have any money but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
To that the man asks, "Anything?"
And the blonde says, "Yes, Anything!" With that the man says, "Follow me!" He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees." She does.
He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.
Then he says, "Go ahead, and take it out." With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!"
She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "Hello, mom?"
A plane crash on an island, only three guys survived. They were captured by the cannibal tribe and brought before the chief.
The chief said: "I will let you live if you manage to pass two trials."
They got no other choice but to ask: "What will be the first trial?"
Chief said: "Go into the forest and bring me ten fruits of the same kind."
They thought: "That's easy." So three of them set off immediately.
The first guy came back with ten apples. The chief told him that he had to stuff the ten apples into his ass without even making a noise to pass the second trial. The first one went in fine, but when the second one went in, he couldn't help but to scream in pain. He was chop into pieces and dump into the cooking pot with the apples he brought.
The second guy came back with ten cherries, The chief told him that he had to stuff the ten cherries into his ass without even making a noise to pass the second trial. The first one went in fine, the second one also went in fine, everything went fine until the last one, then he couldn't help but to laugh out loud. He was chop into pieces and dump into the cooking pot with the cherries he brought.
The first guy met the second guy in heaven and asked: "You could have survived, but why do you have to laugh at the last moment?"
Second guy said: "I couldn't help it, because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."
Rubber Things
A young girl's car broke down in front of a farm in a stormy night; she got no choice but to take shelter at the farm for the night. The farmer was unwilling at first, but only agree to it at one condition: "Both my sons are at their young and innocent age right now, I will only agree to let you stay for the night only if you promise that you will not sneak into their room in the middle of the night."
The girl agrees to the condition and stay for the night. She can't help but to sneak into the farmer sons' room in the middle of the night.
She told the two young man: "I am going to give you two the best time of your life, but I don't want to be pregnant, so you two will have to wear these rubber things.
Fifty years later, the two brothers were sitting in front of the farm.
"Do you still remember the girl who came into our room on a stormy night thirty years ago?"
"Sure do! I really had the best time of my life."
"Do you care if she really get pregnant now?"
"No, why do you ask?"
Do you think it's about time we remove that rubber thing?"
Monkey Bar
An old man brought his pet monkey to a bar, he went and sit down at the bar counter and let the monkey loose.
The monkey run to the pool table, grab the white ball and swallows it.
The bartender was so angry that he chases the old man and his monkey out of the bar. A week later, the old man came back with the monkey.
The bartender give the monkey a bowl of peanuts to keep it occupied so that it would not create problem in his bar again. But after a while he can't help but to asks the old man: "I seem to notice that your monkey is doing some disgusting thing, why do he had to put every peanut into his ass hole first before he eat it?"
The old man answered: "You remember the white ball he swallow last week? He got a hard time ****ting it out, so now he will measure everything before he eat it."
Stock Exchange
A shop owner employed a new shopkeeper. One day, when the shop owner was not around, a customer came by looking for a bottle of kerosene. The shopkeeper went into the store and search, came back and said: "Sorry, sir. We just run out of kerosene this morning."
The customer left. After the shop owner came back, the shopkeeper informs him about the incident.
The shop owner was angry: "Why you never recommend something similar like the paint thinner? We still got a lot of paint thinner in our store."
Another day, when the shop owner was not around, a customer came by looking for a roll of toilet paper. The shopkeeper went into the store and search, came back and said: "Sorry, sir. We just run out of toilet paper this morning, would you like to get some sand paper instead?"
Duck Tales
A duck went into a provision store and asked: "Do you have any grapes?"
The shopkeeper answer: "No, we don't sell grapes here."
The next day, the duck came back again and asked: "Do you have any grapes?"
The shopkeeper answer: "No, we don't sell grapes here. How many times do I have to tell you? If you come and bother me again, I am going to nail your feet to the ground."
The next day, the duck came back again and asked: "Do you have any nails?"
The shopkeeper was surprised; he went into the store and search. He came back after a while and said: "I am sorry, sir. We happen to run out of nails this morning."
The duck said: " Then do you happen to have any grapes?"
Pretty Woman
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, then walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "That was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it ;I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies the husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife.
International Call
A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims, "I don't have any money but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
To that the man asks, "Anything?"
And the blonde says, "Yes, Anything!" With that the man says, "Follow me!" He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees." She does.
He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.
Then he says, "Go ahead, and take it out." With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!"
She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "Hello, mom?"
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Love And Friendship
There was this guy who loved two gals at the same time but he didn't know which one he loved more. Someone taught him. Ask yourself this question and answer it honestly :
"When you are happy, which gal would you want to share your happiness with?" The one you think of is someone you love.
Ask yourself another question and answer it honestly :
"When you are sad, which gal you want to share your burden with?" The one you think of is also someone you love.
If you think of the same gal when you are happy & sad, that's the most perfect. But if you don't think of the same gal, I would advise you to chose the one you are willing to share your sadness with.
In life, there are more sorrows than happiness. There are too many people that u meet that u can share your happiness with, not necessary your lover. If you live your life happily, you can also enjoy it alone.
In sadness, however, there are not many people willing to share your burden with you. If you are willing to tell someone your happiness, I am sure that person has got to be someone close & an understanding person to you. But it shouldn't stop there. If that person only thinks of you when she is happy, but looks for someone else when she is sad, this lover is too unstable, she doesn't treat you as someone she can spend the rest of her life with.
Of course, I will be very happy if I am the first person to share her happiness. But, if she is sad, I will be too willing to stay by her side & ease her pain. Only then, will I believe that I hold a very important position in her heart.
If you are sad, who comes to your mind first?
********************
Friendship is a strange thing. We find ourselves telling each other the deepest details of our lives... things we don't even share with the families who raised us.
But what is a friend? A confidant? A shoulder to cry on? An ear to listen? A heart to feel? A friend is all these ... and more. No matter where we met, no matter how long we've been together... I call you friend.
A word so small, yet so large in feeling, a word filled with emotion, a word overflowing with love. Truly great things come in small packages.
Once the package of friendship has been opened, it can never be closed.
It is a constant book always waiting... waiting to be read... and enjoyed.
We may have our disagreements... we may have our disappointments ...we may argue ...we may have concern for one another...friendship is a unique bond that lasts through all tribulations. A part of each of us goes into our friendships ...
our humor ... our experiences... our tears. Friendships are foundations... necessary for life... and love. Friends .. you and me ... you brought another friend and then we were three ... we started our group ...our circle of friends...
there is no beginning .. there is no end.
There was this guy who loved two gals at the same time but he didn't know which one he loved more. Someone taught him. Ask yourself this question and answer it honestly :
"When you are happy, which gal would you want to share your happiness with?" The one you think of is someone you love.
Ask yourself another question and answer it honestly :
"When you are sad, which gal you want to share your burden with?" The one you think of is also someone you love.
If you think of the same gal when you are happy & sad, that's the most perfect. But if you don't think of the same gal, I would advise you to chose the one you are willing to share your sadness with.
In life, there are more sorrows than happiness. There are too many people that u meet that u can share your happiness with, not necessary your lover. If you live your life happily, you can also enjoy it alone.
In sadness, however, there are not many people willing to share your burden with you. If you are willing to tell someone your happiness, I am sure that person has got to be someone close & an understanding person to you. But it shouldn't stop there. If that person only thinks of you when she is happy, but looks for someone else when she is sad, this lover is too unstable, she doesn't treat you as someone she can spend the rest of her life with.
Of course, I will be very happy if I am the first person to share her happiness. But, if she is sad, I will be too willing to stay by her side & ease her pain. Only then, will I believe that I hold a very important position in her heart.
If you are sad, who comes to your mind first?
********************
Friendship is a strange thing. We find ourselves telling each other the deepest details of our lives... things we don't even share with the families who raised us.
But what is a friend? A confidant? A shoulder to cry on? An ear to listen? A heart to feel? A friend is all these ... and more. No matter where we met, no matter how long we've been together... I call you friend.
A word so small, yet so large in feeling, a word filled with emotion, a word overflowing with love. Truly great things come in small packages.
Once the package of friendship has been opened, it can never be closed.
It is a constant book always waiting... waiting to be read... and enjoyed.
We may have our disagreements... we may have our disappointments ...we may argue ...we may have concern for one another...friendship is a unique bond that lasts through all tribulations. A part of each of us goes into our friendships ...
our humor ... our experiences... our tears. Friendships are foundations... necessary for life... and love. Friends .. you and me ... you brought another friend and then we were three ... we started our group ...our circle of friends...
there is no beginning .. there is no end.
Monday, December 29, 2003
Love Letter
This is a love letter from a boy to a girl....
However,the girl's father does not like him and want them to stop the relationship...... So, the boy wrote this letter to the little girl.
1 "The great love that I have for you
2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you
3 grows every day. When I see you,
4 I do not even like your face;
5 the one thing that I want to do is to
6 look at other girls. I never wanted to
7 marry you. Our last conversation
8 was very boring and has not
9 made me look forward to seeing you again.
10 You think only of yourself
11 If we were married, I know that I would find
12 life very difficult, and I would have no
13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
14 to give, but it is not something that
15 I want to give to you. No one is more
16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
17 able to care for me and help
18 I sincerely want you to understand that
19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
20 if you think this the end. Do not try
21 to answer this. Your letters are full of
22 things that do not interest me. You have no
23 true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that
25 I am still your boyfriend."
So bad..... However, the boy told the girl before to "READ BETWEEN THE LINES", meaning only toread 1.3.5.7.9.11.13......So...
Please read it again!....it's so smart n sweet...Interesting right??
This is a love letter from a boy to a girl....
However,the girl's father does not like him and want them to stop the relationship...... So, the boy wrote this letter to the little girl.
1 "The great love that I have for you
2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you
3 grows every day. When I see you,
4 I do not even like your face;
5 the one thing that I want to do is to
6 look at other girls. I never wanted to
7 marry you. Our last conversation
8 was very boring and has not
9 made me look forward to seeing you again.
10 You think only of yourself
11 If we were married, I know that I would find
12 life very difficult, and I would have no
13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
14 to give, but it is not something that
15 I want to give to you. No one is more
16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
17 able to care for me and help
18 I sincerely want you to understand that
19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
20 if you think this the end. Do not try
21 to answer this. Your letters are full of
22 things that do not interest me. You have no
23 true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that
25 I am still your boyfriend."
So bad..... However, the boy told the girl before to "READ BETWEEN THE LINES", meaning only toread 1.3.5.7.9.11.13......So...
Please read it again!....it's so smart n sweet...Interesting right??
Sunday, December 28, 2003
Why Men Lie
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the river.
When he cried out, an angel appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water,
and he needed it to make his living.
The angel went down into the water and reappeared with
a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the angel asked. "No." The woodcutter replied.
The angel again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" he asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The angel again went down and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the angel asked.
"Yes." The woodcutter answered.
The angel was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the angel again appeared and asked him,
"Why are you crying?"
"Oh, my wife has fallen into the water!"
So the angel went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the he asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The angel was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied,
"Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story and we're sticking with it!
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the river.
When he cried out, an angel appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water,
and he needed it to make his living.
The angel went down into the water and reappeared with
a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the angel asked. "No." The woodcutter replied.
The angel again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" he asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The angel again went down and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the angel asked.
"Yes." The woodcutter answered.
The angel was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.
When he cried out, the angel again appeared and asked him,
"Why are you crying?"
"Oh, my wife has fallen into the water!"
So the angel went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the he asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The angel was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied,
"Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story and we're sticking with it!
Thursday, December 25, 2003
Testing
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he succesfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blindman who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses How should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer.
HAVE YOU GOT THE ANSWER???
Juz open mouth and ask lor, aiyoh so simple.
if u got this wrong...pls go and flush yourself in the toilet bowl.
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he succesfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blindman who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses How should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer.
HAVE YOU GOT THE ANSWER???
Juz open mouth and ask lor, aiyoh so simple.
if u got this wrong...pls go and flush yourself in the toilet bowl.
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Dark In Here
A housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"
A housewife takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"
Sunday, December 21, 2003
LOTR (Hokkien Version)
So the new Lord of the Rings movie is coming out and you want to impress some Ah Lian, you're trying to buaya by being able to explain the whole complicated plot with all the funny sounding names and words. You want to seem like you've actually read all 3 books, but - damn suay - even The New Paper is too 'cheem' for you. Neh'mine! Dun scared! Here is our easy to understand guide to J.R.R. Tolkein's trilogy, written specially in the conversational style of Ah Bengs, so you can memorize:
THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING
Last time got this short-short person with si-beh hairy legs called Bilbo, lor. He, hor, got this ring that last time belong to some monster.
But then, hor, one day suay-suay the monster want it back, and send his kah kiah to Bilbo's house to settle, lah.
But the ring, hor, acherly can make people very powderful. But then, hor, if you wear too long will also kena sai. Si beh hiong one, so better faster go and destroy it, lor.
So Bilbo's nephew Frodo. Aiyah, dun ask me why their name all so funny, can or not? You ask me, I ask who?
Anyway, Frodo and some peng yew kena arrow to go and destroy the ring.
But donno why also, they must do it in the monster's home, which is at the end of New Zealand there.
So they walk and walk and walk across New Zealand, lah. And then along the way, got monster chase them, got people want to hoot them, some of them dieded, all sorts of thing, lah.
At the end, Frodo and Sam, his pooi-pooi friend who I think so is a bit ah quah, got separated from the rest.
THE TWO TOWERS
Frodo and Sam meet up with this thing called Gollum, who look like he take too much Slim 10 like that.
At the same time, hor, the other friends get into some powderful hooting session, where, wah lau eh, even the trees can do gongfu one. They all fight over what, I also donno, but quite kan cheong, lah.
THE RETURN OF THE KING
In the end, Frodo and his peng yew all win leow, lah. Arbuthen?
- This condensed version of J.R.R. Tolkein's Lord of the Rings trilogy was brought to you courtesy of the Coxford Singlish Dictionary.
So the new Lord of the Rings movie is coming out and you want to impress some Ah Lian, you're trying to buaya by being able to explain the whole complicated plot with all the funny sounding names and words. You want to seem like you've actually read all 3 books, but - damn suay - even The New Paper is too 'cheem' for you. Neh'mine! Dun scared! Here is our easy to understand guide to J.R.R. Tolkein's trilogy, written specially in the conversational style of Ah Bengs, so you can memorize:
THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING
Last time got this short-short person with si-beh hairy legs called Bilbo, lor. He, hor, got this ring that last time belong to some monster.
But then, hor, one day suay-suay the monster want it back, and send his kah kiah to Bilbo's house to settle, lah.
But the ring, hor, acherly can make people very powderful. But then, hor, if you wear too long will also kena sai. Si beh hiong one, so better faster go and destroy it, lor.
So Bilbo's nephew Frodo. Aiyah, dun ask me why their name all so funny, can or not? You ask me, I ask who?
Anyway, Frodo and some peng yew kena arrow to go and destroy the ring.
But donno why also, they must do it in the monster's home, which is at the end of New Zealand there.
So they walk and walk and walk across New Zealand, lah. And then along the way, got monster chase them, got people want to hoot them, some of them dieded, all sorts of thing, lah.
At the end, Frodo and Sam, his pooi-pooi friend who I think so is a bit ah quah, got separated from the rest.
THE TWO TOWERS
Frodo and Sam meet up with this thing called Gollum, who look like he take too much Slim 10 like that.
At the same time, hor, the other friends get into some powderful hooting session, where, wah lau eh, even the trees can do gongfu one. They all fight over what, I also donno, but quite kan cheong, lah.
THE RETURN OF THE KING
In the end, Frodo and his peng yew all win leow, lah. Arbuthen?
- This condensed version of J.R.R. Tolkein's Lord of the Rings trilogy was brought to you courtesy of the Coxford Singlish Dictionary.
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
Girlfriends
A young wife sat on a sofa in Bukit Timah on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter.
"Don't forget your girlfriends," she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. "They'll be more important
as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you'll have, you are still going to need girlfriends. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them. And
remember that "girlfriends" are not only your friends, but your sisters, your daughters, and other relatives too. You'll need other women. Women always do."
'What a funny piece of advice,' the young woman thought.
'Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake, a grownup, not a young girl who needs girlfriends! Surely my husband and the family we'll start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!'
But she listened to her Mother; she kept contact with her girlfriends and made more each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, girlfriends are the mainstays of her life. After 50
years of living in this world, here is what I know about girlfriends:
Girlfriends bring you chicken curry and scrub your bathroom when you need help.
Girlfriends keep your children and keep your secrets.
Girlfriends give advice when you ask for it. Sometimes you take it, sometimes you don't.
Girlfriends don't always tell you that you're right, but they're usually honest.
Girlfriends still love you, even when they don't agree with your choices.
Girlfriends laugh with you, and you don't need canned jokes to start the laughter.
Girlfriends pull you out of jams.
Girlfriends help you get out of bad relationships.
Girlfriends help you look for a new apartment, help you pack, and help you move.
Girlfriends will give a party for your son or daughter when they get married or have a baby, in whichever order that comes!
Girlfriends are there for you, in an instant and when the hard times come.
Girlfriends will drive through blizzards, rainstorms, hail, heat, and gloom of night to get to you when your hour of need is desperate.
Girlfriends listen when you lose a job or a friend.
Girlfriends listen when your children break your heart.
Girlfriends listen when your parents' minds and bodies fail.
Girlfriends cry with you when someone you loved dies.
Girlfriends support you when the men in your life let you down.
Girlfriends help you pick up the pieces when men pack up and go.
Girlfriends rejoice at what makes you happy, and are ready to go out and kill what makes you unhappy.
Times passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Love waxes and wanes.
Hearts break.
Careers end.
Jobs come and go.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favours.
Men don't call when they say they will.
BUT girlfriends are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley, and you have to walk it for yourself, your girlfriends will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your
behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you. Or come in and carry you out.
My daughter, sisters, mother, sisters-in-law, mother-in-law, aunties, nieces, cousins, extended family, and friends
bless my life! The world wouldn't be the same without them, and neither would I.
When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day, we need each other still.
not really true... but just publish anyway.
A young wife sat on a sofa in Bukit Timah on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her Mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter.
"Don't forget your girlfriends," she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. "They'll be more important
as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you'll have, you are still going to need girlfriends. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them. And
remember that "girlfriends" are not only your friends, but your sisters, your daughters, and other relatives too. You'll need other women. Women always do."
'What a funny piece of advice,' the young woman thought.
'Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake, a grownup, not a young girl who needs girlfriends! Surely my husband and the family we'll start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!'
But she listened to her Mother; she kept contact with her girlfriends and made more each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her Mom really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, girlfriends are the mainstays of her life. After 50
years of living in this world, here is what I know about girlfriends:
Girlfriends bring you chicken curry and scrub your bathroom when you need help.
Girlfriends keep your children and keep your secrets.
Girlfriends give advice when you ask for it. Sometimes you take it, sometimes you don't.
Girlfriends don't always tell you that you're right, but they're usually honest.
Girlfriends still love you, even when they don't agree with your choices.
Girlfriends laugh with you, and you don't need canned jokes to start the laughter.
Girlfriends pull you out of jams.
Girlfriends help you get out of bad relationships.
Girlfriends help you look for a new apartment, help you pack, and help you move.
Girlfriends will give a party for your son or daughter when they get married or have a baby, in whichever order that comes!
Girlfriends are there for you, in an instant and when the hard times come.
Girlfriends will drive through blizzards, rainstorms, hail, heat, and gloom of night to get to you when your hour of need is desperate.
Girlfriends listen when you lose a job or a friend.
Girlfriends listen when your children break your heart.
Girlfriends listen when your parents' minds and bodies fail.
Girlfriends cry with you when someone you loved dies.
Girlfriends support you when the men in your life let you down.
Girlfriends help you pick up the pieces when men pack up and go.
Girlfriends rejoice at what makes you happy, and are ready to go out and kill what makes you unhappy.
Times passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Love waxes and wanes.
Hearts break.
Careers end.
Jobs come and go.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favours.
Men don't call when they say they will.
BUT girlfriends are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley, and you have to walk it for yourself, your girlfriends will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your
behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you. Or come in and carry you out.
My daughter, sisters, mother, sisters-in-law, mother-in-law, aunties, nieces, cousins, extended family, and friends
bless my life! The world wouldn't be the same without them, and neither would I.
When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day, we need each other still.
not really true... but just publish anyway.
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Birth Numbers
Your birth date describes who we are, what we are good at and what our inborn abilities are. It also points to what we have to learn and the challenges we are facing.
To figure out your Birth Number, add all the numbers in the birth date together, like in the example, until there is only one digit. A Birth Number does not prevent you from being anything you want to be, it will just color your choice differently and give you a little insight.
Example : March 20, 1950
3 + 20 + 1950 = 1973 = 1 + 9 + 7 + 3 = 20 = 2 + 0 = 2
2 is the Birth Number to read for the birth date
in the example.
Your number is _____,
1 THE ORIGINATOR
2 THE PEACEMAKER
3 THE LIFE OF THE PARTY
4 THE CONSERVATIVE
5 THE NONCONFORMIST
6 THE ROMANTIC
7 THE INTELLECTUAL
8 THE BIG SHOT
9 THE PERFORMER
1 - THE ORIGINATOR
1 's are originals. Coming up with new ideas and executing them is natural. Having things their own way is another trait that gets them as being stubborn and arrogant. 1's are extremely honest and do well to learn some diplomacy skills. They like to take the initiative and are often leaders or bosses, as they like to be the best. Being self-employed is definitely helpful for them. Lesson to learn: Others' ideas might be just as good or better and to stay open minded.
Famous 1's: Tom Hanks, Robert Redford, Hulk Hogan, Carol Burnett, Wynona Judi, Nancy Reagan, Raquel Welch
2 - THE PEACEMAKER
2's are the born diplomats. They are aware of others' needs and moods and often think of others before themselves. Naturally analytical and very intuitive they don't like to be alone. Friendship and companionship is very important and can lead them to be successful in life, but on the other hand they'd rather be alone than in an uncomfortable
relationship. Being naturally shy they should learn to boost their self-esteem and express themselves freely and seize the moment and not put things off.
Famous 2's: President Bill Clinton, Madonna, Whoopee Goldberg, Thomas Edison, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
3 - THE LIFE OF THE PARTY
3's are idealists. They are very creative, social, charming, romantic, and easygoing. They start many things, but don't always see them through. They like others to be happy and go to great lengths to achieve it. They are very popular and idealistic. They should learn to see the world from a more realistic point of view.
Famous 3's: Alan Alda, Ann Launders, Bill Cosby, Melanie Griffith, Salvador Dali, Jodi Foster
4 - THE CONSERVATIVE
4's are sensible and traditional. The like order and routine. They only act when they fully understand what they are expected to do. They like getting their hands dirty and working hard. They are attracted to the outdoors and feel an affinity with nature. They are prepared to wait and can be stubborn and persistent. They should learn to be more flexible and to be nice to themselves.
Famous 4's: Neil Diamond, Margaret Thatcher, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tina Turner, Paul Hogan, Oprah Winfrey
5 - THE NONCONFORMIST
5's are the explorers. Their natural curiosity, risk taking, and enthusiasm often land them in hot water. They need diversity, and don't like to be stuck in a rut. The whole world is their school and they see a learning possibility in every situation. The questions never stop. They are well advised to look before they take action and make sure they have all the facts before jumping to conclusions.
Famous 5's: Abraham Lincoln, Charlotte Bronte, Jessica Walter, Vincent Van Gogh, Bette Midler, Helen Keller and Mark Hamil.
6 - THE ROMANTIC
6's are idealistic and need to feel useful to be happy. A strong family connection is important to them. Their actions influence their decisions. They have a strong urge to take care of others and to help. They are very loyal and make great teachers. They like art or music. They make loyal friends who take the friendship seriously. 6's should learn to differentiate between what they can change and what they cannot.
Famous 6's: Albert Einstein, Jane Seymour, John Denver, Meryl Streep, Christopher Columbus, Goldie
Hawn
7 - THE INTELLECTUAL
7's are the searchers. Always probing for hidden information, they find it difficult to accept things at face value. Emotions don't sway their decisions. Questioning everything in life, they don't like to be questioned themselves. They're never off to a fast start, and their motto is slow and steady wins the race. They come across as philosophers & being very knowledgeable, and sometimes as loners. They are technically inclined and make great researchers uncovering information. They like secrets. They live in their own world and should learn what is acceptable and what not in the world at large.
Famous 7's: William Shakespeare, Lucille Ball, Michael Jackson, Joan Baez,Princess Diana
8 - THE BIG SHOT
8's are the problem solvers. They are professional, blunt and to the point, have good judgment and are decisive. They have grand plans and like to live the good life. They take charge of people. They view people objectively. They let you know in no uncertain terms that they are the boss. They should learn to exude their decisions on their own needs rather than on what others want.
Famous 8's: Edgar Cayce, Barbra Streisand, George Harrison, Jane Fonda, Pablo Picasso, Aretha Franklin, Nostrodamus
9 - THE PERFORMER
9's are natural entertainers. They are very caring and generous, giving away their last dollar to help. With their charm, they have no problem making friends and nobody is a stranger to them. They have so many different personalities that people around them have a hard time understanding them. They are like chameleons, ever changing and blending in. They have tremendous luck, but also can suffer from extremes in fortune and mood. To be successful,
they need to build a loving foundation.
Famous 9's: Albert Schweitzer, Shirley MacLaine, Harrison Ford, Jimmy Carter, Elvis Presley
Your birth date describes who we are, what we are good at and what our inborn abilities are. It also points to what we have to learn and the challenges we are facing.
To figure out your Birth Number, add all the numbers in the birth date together, like in the example, until there is only one digit. A Birth Number does not prevent you from being anything you want to be, it will just color your choice differently and give you a little insight.
Example : March 20, 1950
3 + 20 + 1950 = 1973 = 1 + 9 + 7 + 3 = 20 = 2 + 0 = 2
2 is the Birth Number to read for the birth date
in the example.
Your number is _____,
1 THE ORIGINATOR
2 THE PEACEMAKER
3 THE LIFE OF THE PARTY
4 THE CONSERVATIVE
5 THE NONCONFORMIST
6 THE ROMANTIC
7 THE INTELLECTUAL
8 THE BIG SHOT
9 THE PERFORMER
1 - THE ORIGINATOR
1 's are originals. Coming up with new ideas and executing them is natural. Having things their own way is another trait that gets them as being stubborn and arrogant. 1's are extremely honest and do well to learn some diplomacy skills. They like to take the initiative and are often leaders or bosses, as they like to be the best. Being self-employed is definitely helpful for them. Lesson to learn: Others' ideas might be just as good or better and to stay open minded.
Famous 1's: Tom Hanks, Robert Redford, Hulk Hogan, Carol Burnett, Wynona Judi, Nancy Reagan, Raquel Welch
2 - THE PEACEMAKER
2's are the born diplomats. They are aware of others' needs and moods and often think of others before themselves. Naturally analytical and very intuitive they don't like to be alone. Friendship and companionship is very important and can lead them to be successful in life, but on the other hand they'd rather be alone than in an uncomfortable
relationship. Being naturally shy they should learn to boost their self-esteem and express themselves freely and seize the moment and not put things off.
Famous 2's: President Bill Clinton, Madonna, Whoopee Goldberg, Thomas Edison, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
3 - THE LIFE OF THE PARTY
3's are idealists. They are very creative, social, charming, romantic, and easygoing. They start many things, but don't always see them through. They like others to be happy and go to great lengths to achieve it. They are very popular and idealistic. They should learn to see the world from a more realistic point of view.
Famous 3's: Alan Alda, Ann Launders, Bill Cosby, Melanie Griffith, Salvador Dali, Jodi Foster
4 - THE CONSERVATIVE
4's are sensible and traditional. The like order and routine. They only act when they fully understand what they are expected to do. They like getting their hands dirty and working hard. They are attracted to the outdoors and feel an affinity with nature. They are prepared to wait and can be stubborn and persistent. They should learn to be more flexible and to be nice to themselves.
Famous 4's: Neil Diamond, Margaret Thatcher, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tina Turner, Paul Hogan, Oprah Winfrey
5 - THE NONCONFORMIST
5's are the explorers. Their natural curiosity, risk taking, and enthusiasm often land them in hot water. They need diversity, and don't like to be stuck in a rut. The whole world is their school and they see a learning possibility in every situation. The questions never stop. They are well advised to look before they take action and make sure they have all the facts before jumping to conclusions.
Famous 5's: Abraham Lincoln, Charlotte Bronte, Jessica Walter, Vincent Van Gogh, Bette Midler, Helen Keller and Mark Hamil.
6 - THE ROMANTIC
6's are idealistic and need to feel useful to be happy. A strong family connection is important to them. Their actions influence their decisions. They have a strong urge to take care of others and to help. They are very loyal and make great teachers. They like art or music. They make loyal friends who take the friendship seriously. 6's should learn to differentiate between what they can change and what they cannot.
Famous 6's: Albert Einstein, Jane Seymour, John Denver, Meryl Streep, Christopher Columbus, Goldie
Hawn
7 - THE INTELLECTUAL
7's are the searchers. Always probing for hidden information, they find it difficult to accept things at face value. Emotions don't sway their decisions. Questioning everything in life, they don't like to be questioned themselves. They're never off to a fast start, and their motto is slow and steady wins the race. They come across as philosophers & being very knowledgeable, and sometimes as loners. They are technically inclined and make great researchers uncovering information. They like secrets. They live in their own world and should learn what is acceptable and what not in the world at large.
Famous 7's: William Shakespeare, Lucille Ball, Michael Jackson, Joan Baez,Princess Diana
8 - THE BIG SHOT
8's are the problem solvers. They are professional, blunt and to the point, have good judgment and are decisive. They have grand plans and like to live the good life. They take charge of people. They view people objectively. They let you know in no uncertain terms that they are the boss. They should learn to exude their decisions on their own needs rather than on what others want.
Famous 8's: Edgar Cayce, Barbra Streisand, George Harrison, Jane Fonda, Pablo Picasso, Aretha Franklin, Nostrodamus
9 - THE PERFORMER
9's are natural entertainers. They are very caring and generous, giving away their last dollar to help. With their charm, they have no problem making friends and nobody is a stranger to them. They have so many different personalities that people around them have a hard time understanding them. They are like chameleons, ever changing and blending in. They have tremendous luck, but also can suffer from extremes in fortune and mood. To be successful,
they need to build a loving foundation.
Famous 9's: Albert Schweitzer, Shirley MacLaine, Harrison Ford, Jimmy Carter, Elvis Presley
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
You're Paine! Fighting can solve anything and get
you you're way in life! nobody better cross
your path!
Which FFX-2 Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
A Story Of A Little Girl
Her hair was up in a ponytail
Her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
And she couldn't wait to go.
But her mommy tried to tell her,
That she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
If she went to school alone.
But she was not afraid;
She knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
Of why he wasn't there today.
But still her mother worried,
And that was why once again,
She tried to keep her daughter home.
But the little girl went to school,
Eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees
A dad who never calls.
There were daddies along the wall in back,
For everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
Anxious in their seats.
One by one the teacher called,
A student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
As seconds slowly passed.
At last the teacher called her name,
Every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
For a man who wasn't there.
Where's her daddy at?"
She heard a boy call out.
She probably doesn't have one,"
Another dared to shout.
And from somewhere near the back,
She heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad,
Too busy to waste his day."
The words did not offend her,
As she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher,
Who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back,
Slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
Came words incredibly unique.
My Daddy couldn't be here,
Because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
Since this is such a special day.
And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
And how much he loves me so.
He loved to tell me stories
He taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
And taught me to fly a kite.
We used to share fudge sundaes,
And ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him,
I'm not standing here alone.
Cause my daddy's always with me,
Even though we are apart
I know because he told me,
He'll forever be in my heart"
With that, her little hand reached up,
And lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
Beneath her favorite dress.
And from somewhere in the crowd of dads,
Her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
Who was wise beyond her years.
For she stood up for the love
of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
Doing what was right.
And when she dropped her hand back down,
Staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
But its message clear and loud.
I love my daddy very much,
He's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here,
But heaven's just too far.
You see he was a fireman
And died just this past year
When airplanes hit the towers
And taught Americans to fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes,
It's like he never went away."
And then she closed her eyes,
And saw him there that day.
And to her mother's amazement,
She witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
All starting to close their eyes.
Who knows what they saw before them,
Who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
They saw him at her side.
"I know you're with me Daddy,"
To the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
Of those once filled with doubt.
Not one in that room could explain it,
For each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
Was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.
And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
That heaven is never too far
They say it takes a minute to find a special person,
an hour to appreciate them,
a day to love them,
but then an entire life to forget them.
Her hair was up in a ponytail
Her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
And she couldn't wait to go.
But her mommy tried to tell her,
That she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
If she went to school alone.
But she was not afraid;
She knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
Of why he wasn't there today.
But still her mother worried,
And that was why once again,
She tried to keep her daughter home.
But the little girl went to school,
Eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees
A dad who never calls.
There were daddies along the wall in back,
For everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
Anxious in their seats.
One by one the teacher called,
A student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
As seconds slowly passed.
At last the teacher called her name,
Every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
For a man who wasn't there.
Where's her daddy at?"
She heard a boy call out.
She probably doesn't have one,"
Another dared to shout.
And from somewhere near the back,
She heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad,
Too busy to waste his day."
The words did not offend her,
As she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher,
Who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back,
Slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
Came words incredibly unique.
My Daddy couldn't be here,
Because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
Since this is such a special day.
And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
And how much he loves me so.
He loved to tell me stories
He taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
And taught me to fly a kite.
We used to share fudge sundaes,
And ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him,
I'm not standing here alone.
Cause my daddy's always with me,
Even though we are apart
I know because he told me,
He'll forever be in my heart"
With that, her little hand reached up,
And lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
Beneath her favorite dress.
And from somewhere in the crowd of dads,
Her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
Who was wise beyond her years.
For she stood up for the love
of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
Doing what was right.
And when she dropped her hand back down,
Staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
But its message clear and loud.
I love my daddy very much,
He's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here,
But heaven's just too far.
You see he was a fireman
And died just this past year
When airplanes hit the towers
And taught Americans to fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes,
It's like he never went away."
And then she closed her eyes,
And saw him there that day.
And to her mother's amazement,
She witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
All starting to close their eyes.
Who knows what they saw before them,
Who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
They saw him at her side.
"I know you're with me Daddy,"
To the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
Of those once filled with doubt.
Not one in that room could explain it,
For each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
Was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.
And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
That heaven is never too far
They say it takes a minute to find a special person,
an hour to appreciate them,
a day to love them,
but then an entire life to forget them.
Monday, December 08, 2003
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