Minzy's 보건 Surgery

 23 Sep

the nurse called to check if i want to continue bringing more fridged milk. minzy seems to be able to drink it but she kept choking, and her breathing was irregular after drinking bm. she had no problems with formula. i guess it just means that i should give up feeding her bm... T_T they also suggested bringing some toys to hang over her bed. i actually asked about that previously because i saw some babies with toys and plushies at their side. at 1 month of corrected age, she should already be playing like other babies, and having fun, but yet she was tied up in nicu. i wonder if this period will have a toll on her development later on. sighs. wish i could be with her more often... in any case, when minzy is awake, she tends to be more more bored now so it would be great to have something to look at when she wakes up.

28 Sep

it was her surgery today. we received the call for us to reach at 650am since her surgery was at 8am. gg... thank goodness we managed to get the driver to come early to send us. in a way, going there in a car was better than public transport because it took less than 40mins when there's no jam, and you can't really expect a jam when you're traveling at 6am o_o|||

we got out at 6am and reached just a little before 7am. the nurse in charged briefed us on the surgery - on complicated cases and things that could happen if the surgery doesn't go well. it is quite scary actually, to have multiple surgeries again if it doesn't go well. it takes a toll on minzy each time she goes through surgery, due to the anaesthesia applied and the recovery post-surgery. i really hope this will be the last time.

after the debrief, i went in to see minzy.

minzy was quietly sleeping, amidst the loud crying of the baby just next to her. her pacifier sucking was so cute to watch <333

and then she managed to poke her arms out... wow. she was grabbing my finger whenever i tickled her palm. those little hands!!! awwww...

the calmness didn't last very long. she soon started to fuss. oops. shouldn't have woken her. although she quickly calmed down after that and the whole pattern just kept restarting.

i could only see her for about 30mins before they start to prepare her for the surgery. she got woken up then and started fussing a lot. by the time the nurses was done, she was completely woken up and they wheeled her out while she had her eyes wide opened. she had this look of 'what's happening and what's all this around me'. nampyeon was quick enough to whip out his phone to record all these, just when minzy was wheeled out.

in the waiting room, minzy started to cry and struggle. it was almost as if she knows that something bad was gonna happen. or she felt insecure in this strange lands. there were some other kids in the room as well and all of them just started to cry together T_T 

the nurse rewrapped her so that her hands were held in, and she quietened down. btw they seem to have overdid the bandage on her right leg, it looks like a huge cast...

you can see this look of real worry on her face. omg. i can't bear to send her in, but it was time to go in... oh minzy.. i hope you'll pull through...

the surgery was about 3hrs inclusive of preparation and anaesthesia, so we went out to have lunch in the meantime. it was about 9am, and nothing much was opened. we went to hyehwa station and came back again so that i could pump while we waited for the shops to open.

we stopped at this cafe mong's for brunch, and although the place looks dirty and rundown, the food was great! we were the first customers, even before the employees reached. there was no one when we were there lololol. still it was a good wait~

brunch set with ricotta cheese salad.

the breaf was really good! it was crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside, and while they made it out of this huge oven, it gave off such a lovely smell.

when we returned at 11am, the surgery wasn't over yet. we waited for a bit before we were called in, and the surgeon spoke with us.

he told us that the surgery went well. the intestines that's supposed to be connected was twice the size of the original but that's normal and it could be stitched still. there were a lot of adhesion due to the dirty stuff that came out when her intestines burst previously, so they spent some time cleaning those up, which was why it took longer than expected. minzy will be put too sleep for a few days so she does not feel too uncomfortable, or too much pain, as there will be a lot of gas and such post-surgery. she also won't be able to eat, since the food passing through might get stuck while the stitched zones are being healed, so she will be given iv drips instead. she will still pass motion in any case.

i went in to see my little bubble... and i was so heartbroken. she was struggling and so full of life just this morning, but now she was totally still. even though it's due to the anaesthesia not wearing off yet... i was so so scared as she didn't look very alive. her right eye was half-closed - i wonder if she struggled till the end since she seemed so worried before T_T

she looked so drained of blood, so greyish. i hate to end of the post with such a sullen note. hope she will recover well, and not get under the knife anymore. heart surgery, eye surgery, intestines surgery... 4 surgeries is more than enough for a baby that's barely 5 months old. please don't torture her again... T_T

session with the prof!

22 Sep

after a month of not seeing minzy, we finally got a call that allowed us a visit. the nurse mentioned that minzy has been hospitalised for a pretty long time and they figured we would want to see her. so in the name of meeting the prof for a short update, they told us that we will be able to visit her as well. yay!!!

we went around 11am to see the prof and had a short debrief.

things seem to be going well - minzy was growing well, albeit on the short side at 40cm. other babies her age was around 50cm, so i guess she's gonna be short and cute little girl later on. she was 2.64kg and they were planning to have her surgery the following week, if all vitals goes well. the mri scan did show bleeding in her brain and some destroyed areas, but as usual, what it will affect - no one will know. however, the prof says that the area of bleed was considered small for a grade 4 bleed, and till now she doesn't seem to be displaying any obvious defect. hopefully, she will have a normal life... also, depending on her recovery from surgery, she could be discharged in about a month. minzy... fighting!!

when i went in, it seems that that day was a day for most of the parents to visit. there was also no time limitation. i was inside for almost an hour heheh.

here's minzy grabbing my finger to sleep.

she was irritated most of the time when she's awake but it seems that i managed to calm her down with a little bit of playing.

she even smiled at the end!

of cos that didn't last very long. she soon started kicking up a big fuss and the nurse says that she was hungry.

i brought fridged milk this time since she didn't like frozen milk, to see if it made any difference. however, she kept choking on her milk. i wonder if it's because breastmilk is always sticky...? poor little baby choked at least 5-6 times when she was drinking, and she couldn't even finish 10ml T_T. the rest had to go in by tube. 

i guess she saved me the trouble of visiting the hospital every 3 days to bring in fresh milk. but i wonder how i was gonna feed her my frozen milk when she comes home...!!! the nurse says that i could use a tube... but seeing how those tubes are tearing her nostrils apart, i doubt i'd wanna do that. guess i will have to slowly stop pumping...

after watching her finish her milk, i went out for nampyeon to take over. nampyeon got some interesting takes while he was there.

for some reason, her hands were out again. i thought they were inside when she finished her milk but seems that her struggling achieved results... usually she'd struggle and get frustrated when her hands are out.

i was watching this and my hp stopped streaming at the point when she opened her eyes very briefly, and she looked like she wanted a hug. but actually it's just a passing moment of her flailing her arms... still she looks very cute XDD

while flailing her free arms, she managed to pluck out her respirator tubes...

nampyeon called for the nurse, who swaddled her to prevent her from plucking out the tubes again. and almost immediately... she fell asleep. ^_^|||

guess we'll only get to see you next week! that will be the final phase for minzy, hopefully!

A month of not seeing minzy

We got updates every few days, since we weren't able to see minzy now with the ban setting in. however, there was also some strike going on so information was slower than before. we were actually curious about the MRI results although we've already some expectations in mind. for some reason the nurses weren't very willing to call us. when they did after some pursuing, we finally understood - a lot of parents weren't very happy because the workers went on strike, while their babies were still in nicu. it seem to show a lack of responsibility. 

that actually didn't occur to me. the nurses actually still went on their daily duties, they just shortened the staff for areas that were not so important - such as calling the parents for updates XD well, i guess the safety of the babies still come first... if you're curious, the strike happened because there was some law passed to make medicine degrees easier, so that there will be more caregivers. due to the virus, there was just a shortage of such people especially in the rural areas. although it was passed for a good cause, it still didn't make sense to let underqualified people become doctors... it will just be an increase in quantity but not quality in the end.

in any case, we got updates as follows:

30 Aug

2.08kg. Minzy moved back to the heavier respirator as her breathing wasn't regular so they decided to move her back T_T

2 Sep

2.15kg. Change in respirator to the lighter one again since she has stabilized. usually the changes are done consistently so that the babies are trained to be used to the decrease in oxygen flow. if not they will constantly be reliant on the respirators...

5-6 Sep

2.27kg. the nurses told us that minzy could finish the whole 25ml milk bottle when she was given formula, but kept rejecting when it was breastmilk. it made sense, because there's a plasticky taste when breastmilk gets defrost, after it's frozen. breastmilk tastes the best when it's just right out of the boob i guess - but nothing beats the taste of formula milk. 

9 sep

2.41kg. they tried mixing bm and formula to deceive her tongue. it seems to work. they informed us that her surgery to put back her intestines will be done at the end of the month - which means we'll be able to see her soon! still, that's almost a month away. i asked when moms will be allowed in to get trained in taking care of babies, but that's only done 3 days before the discharge. sighs. well, i tried....

11 sep

the nurses actually FORGOT to tell us that something important happened on the 5 sep night. minzy had difficulty breathing after finishing her milk, and her heart stopped. they resuscitated her but the blood test afterwards showed some inflammation. usually it happens when babies are not in the best condition, or after surgery. my poor minzy!!! omg. i guess this is why SIDS happens. in a way i guess i should be glad she's in the nicu... wouldn't want to know what might happen had she been home...T_T

when

today's minzy's 4th month after birth, and her 10th day by her corrected age. she was supposed to come out on the 1st of sep. nothing can be said to be lucky for preemies actually. no celebrations.. no human touch.. lots of needles, surgeries, tubes down her nose and her mouth.. lots of tears. and now, with covid, we can't even visit her. it's already been 2.5weeks since i last seen her. i miss her so much.

staying at home... pumping every 3hours... eating junk food here and there. whoever says that junk food makes you happy? it doesn't. i feel worse the more i ate. i'm alone about 90% of the time. yesterday, a mosquito buzzed near my ear and i couldn't even get myself to sleep in my bedroom, so i moved to another room. but the crickets' cries were so loud and i kept jumping at every insect-like sound. i slept by myself and for the first time, i was scared.

i wake up, and i feel homesick all day. i miss singapore. i miss my mom, my sis. i miss minzy. i miss the food there. i miss being able to just take an elevator down to get my food, or to be able to walk to a shopping complex nearby. i miss everything my mom cooked. anything is better than 1 meal a day here, with snacks here and there. i feel so malnutritioned i wonder if my breastmilk is even fit for minzy. i wonder if i will be able to even make proper food for her next time. 

my body doesn't feel the same anymore. i can't fist my palms properly. i suffer from neckache, backache, my knees hurt when i bend and my arms are weak. i'm not sure if it's because i'm not sleeping properly.. or if i keep getting clogged ducts, but it hasn't fully recover since delivery. my hands tremble when i exert strength. i feel so weak, helpless and dependent on others. my boobs hurt... my hairs keep falling. i keep getting triggered emotionally by every single thing. i can't control my tears and i feel so sorry for myself. 

i wonder if it will be the same when minzy comes home. will i be happier with a little human by my side? will i be frustrated and helpless, not knowing how to care for her? i don't want to be a bad mother. i'm scared and i have no help. i wish my mom was here. 

i realise i'm still just a little kid inside. i never knew i could be so homesick. i never knew i was so powerless. i wonder when i can grow up. i wonder when i can get a hug. when will someone pat me and tell me everything's gonna be ok..

Last visit

19 Aug

the doctor called to let us know that Minzy will be getting her MRI scan and will need to be anaesthesized before that. usually mri scans are done just before babies get discharged. i wonder why minzy's was done so soon. in any case... she was about 1.85kg, still far from her surgery weight... she was also only drinking 22cc. just nice since i'm only producing 25 per boob T_T they also told us that they have downgraded her respirator to the smaller one so hopefully she will take that well.

22 Aug

Not much difference, she grew 10g to 1.95kg. Maybe when we see her she would be 2kg!

23 Aug

Due to the church-spread covid in korea... our hospitals raised their social distancing level and ban visitors from visiting NICU. a message was sent to our registered numbers on the 21st saying that it will be implemented from monday (24th) onwards. 

i sent it to nampyeon hoping that i had read it wrongly. but it was true. so we quickly called the hospital to verify and told them we would be coming down on sunday for a last visit T_T just before the ban sets in.

we carried one whole luggage of breastmilk over (about 2 weeks worth) since we wouldn't be able to visit once a week anymore (but our space and ice pack was limited so we couldn't carry more). when we reached, nampyeon went in first since it was time for me to pump.

minzy was sleeping so so soundly when he was there. the one good thing since she got out of the box was our freedom to touch (and disturb her). so nampyeon disturbed her.

a cute little yawn

she does like grabbing fingers / scratching hands. i love it when her little hand escapes from her swaddle and she puts it on her face like that.

she gave a little smile at the end! it's a smile right?

when i went in, she was very very much awake.

or rather she looks like she was in shock or surprised. her face was like that from the moment i entered. it was so funny.

the nurse told me that i could carry her after that and i held her for the first time in my arms. unfortunately i couldn't take photos of my first hug of her, but i slowly managed to hold her with just one arm. she was only 2kg, so light, so it was possible with one arm. she looked at me with such shocked, big eyes. however, she started struggling after a while and i wondered if it was because i held her uncomfortably though the nurse said it was ok. my neck got tired after a while and because she was struggling so much i was afraid i would drop her and i placed her back in the incubator. by then she already had one arm out.

not sure why but she started crying and i could see tears T_T poor minzy. her voice was much louder than before and she cried intermittently. i didn't really know what to do except to pat and coo her.

eventually the nurse came and change her diapers and re-wrapped her so she had no more arm sticking out. but she was still sticking out her tongue and making funny faces.

it looked really cute and funny but i sure hope she isn't in pain or anything...! this is the last time i was gonna see her for a long, long time. i hope she doesn't forget me... T_T

since we came all the way to seoul, we thought we might as well do a little shopping and eat some good food. we headed to the express bus terminal and ate at a teppanyaki place. the noodles were so asian! i like it because it reminded me of sg food.

went to get waffles and bubble tea from the basement supermarket as well. it was cold and not so good. sad. the alley forever does not have the crushed crunchy milk tea i want to try. why...

i pumped twice at the nursing room here (at shinsegae shopping mall). it was so big and posh!! spot the tripp trapp chairs there... wow!

there's even a playground just next to the nursing room. it's a kids floor so they've everything moms need~

however, everything was expensive here. still, there was this baby drool cape that i really like, where you could customize the embroidered writing on it. so i got one for minzy. nevermind it's about 50bucks for a piece of cloth that babies are supposed to get their saliva on... it's still pretty!!

after 1.5hrs spent in the nursing room, 4hrs of journey back and forth, we really don't have much time. so we headed home after that. even nursing rooms are closed at 8pm so we couldn't really linger any longer.