Minzy's 보건 Surgery

 23 Sep

the nurse called to check if i want to continue bringing more fridged milk. minzy seems to be able to drink it but she kept choking, and her breathing was irregular after drinking bm. she had no problems with formula. i guess it just means that i should give up feeding her bm... T_T they also suggested bringing some toys to hang over her bed. i actually asked about that previously because i saw some babies with toys and plushies at their side. at 1 month of corrected age, she should already be playing like other babies, and having fun, but yet she was tied up in nicu. i wonder if this period will have a toll on her development later on. sighs. wish i could be with her more often... in any case, when minzy is awake, she tends to be more more bored now so it would be great to have something to look at when she wakes up.

28 Sep

it was her surgery today. we received the call for us to reach at 650am since her surgery was at 8am. gg... thank goodness we managed to get the driver to come early to send us. in a way, going there in a car was better than public transport because it took less than 40mins when there's no jam, and you can't really expect a jam when you're traveling at 6am o_o|||

we got out at 6am and reached just a little before 7am. the nurse in charged briefed us on the surgery - on complicated cases and things that could happen if the surgery doesn't go well. it is quite scary actually, to have multiple surgeries again if it doesn't go well. it takes a toll on minzy each time she goes through surgery, due to the anaesthesia applied and the recovery post-surgery. i really hope this will be the last time.

after the debrief, i went in to see minzy.

minzy was quietly sleeping, amidst the loud crying of the baby just next to her. her pacifier sucking was so cute to watch <333

and then she managed to poke her arms out... wow. she was grabbing my finger whenever i tickled her palm. those little hands!!! awwww...

the calmness didn't last very long. she soon started to fuss. oops. shouldn't have woken her. although she quickly calmed down after that and the whole pattern just kept restarting.

i could only see her for about 30mins before they start to prepare her for the surgery. she got woken up then and started fussing a lot. by the time the nurses was done, she was completely woken up and they wheeled her out while she had her eyes wide opened. she had this look of 'what's happening and what's all this around me'. nampyeon was quick enough to whip out his phone to record all these, just when minzy was wheeled out.

in the waiting room, minzy started to cry and struggle. it was almost as if she knows that something bad was gonna happen. or she felt insecure in this strange lands. there were some other kids in the room as well and all of them just started to cry together T_T 

the nurse rewrapped her so that her hands were held in, and she quietened down. btw they seem to have overdid the bandage on her right leg, it looks like a huge cast...

you can see this look of real worry on her face. omg. i can't bear to send her in, but it was time to go in... oh minzy.. i hope you'll pull through...

the surgery was about 3hrs inclusive of preparation and anaesthesia, so we went out to have lunch in the meantime. it was about 9am, and nothing much was opened. we went to hyehwa station and came back again so that i could pump while we waited for the shops to open.

we stopped at this cafe mong's for brunch, and although the place looks dirty and rundown, the food was great! we were the first customers, even before the employees reached. there was no one when we were there lololol. still it was a good wait~

brunch set with ricotta cheese salad.

the bread was really good! it was crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside, and while they made it out of this huge oven, it gave off such a lovely smell.

when we returned at 11am, the surgery wasn't over yet. we waited for a bit before we were called in, and the surgeon spoke with us.

he told us that the surgery went well. the intestines that's supposed to be connected was twice the size of the original but that's normal and it could be stitched still. there were a lot of adhesion due to the dirty stuff that came out when her intestines burst previously, so they spent some time cleaning those up, which was why it took longer than expected. minzy will be put too sleep for a few days so she does not feel too uncomfortable, or too much pain, as there will be a lot of gas and such post-surgery. she also won't be able to eat, since the food passing through might get stuck while the stitched zones are being healed, so she will be given iv drips instead. she will still pass motion in any case.

i went in to see my little bubble... and i was so heartbroken. she was struggling and so full of life just this morning, but now she was totally still. even though it's due to the anaesthesia not wearing off yet... i was so so scared as she didn't look very alive. her right eye was half-closed - i wonder if she struggled till the end since she seemed so worried before T_T

she looked so drained of blood, so greyish. i hate to end of the post with such a sullen note. hope she will recover well, and not get under the knife anymore. heart surgery, eye surgery, intestines surgery... 4 surgeries is more than enough for a baby that's barely 5 months old. please don't torture her again... T_T

over the critical period!

3 June

it was a looong wait as we got startled at every phone call, thinking it might be from the NICU. we couldn't stay near the hospital because there was no one taking care of our FIL at night. in fact, there was one night where he broke out in sweat in the kitchen and he shouted for nampyeon weakly. thankfully i heard it and nampyeon was able to administer his insulin in time, as his blood sugar level was very low. we prayed that minzy would get through these few days.

Minzy didn't let us down. we called the hospital before our visit - since i had to be there for my post-delivery blood test - and was told Minzy was stabilizing. they were already reducing her blood pressure medicine.

we dropped by around 10+am for my blood test, and a post-consultation with my doctor-in-charge. i almost teared when the doctor asked how my baby was doing doing pre-analysis, but i held myself well. after he took down my concerns, we met with the main doctor. he had analysed my placenta and commented that the infection rate for both minzy and linzy wasn't high, and there was no link that suggests it led to the fungal infection minzy has now (as opposed to what the doctors at nicu had suggested). the infection rate was higher for minzy than linzy. still it doesn't mean that there was no link at all. he also took a sample of my vagina secretion for cancer test. he said that since i didn't tear my vagina during the delivery, my recovery was much faster, and i am now able to go back to my 'normal' life - confinement over, able to go into water, able to exercise etc.

it was all great news for me, but i was still feeling terrible at heart.

when we dropped by, minzy was blinking and her eyes shifted here and there. i was suddenly so excited - i thought she could see me when she looked like she was looking at me. in fact, nampyeon said that minzy's so small she probably wouldn't see anything even if she looked like she was looking at me. she was moving her right arm and leg this time, and i heaved a sigh of relief as there was a period of time we thought half of her might be paralysed. her ears were still bloated and so was the right side of her neck. this time, we noticed that she was generating a lot of saliva as she kept making saliva bubbles. it was actually very cute. her hands and feet was so tiny and it was making so much movements that i fell in love with minzy all over again. she was so, so cute. even nampyeon said that she was very cute (but then he's not sure if she will be pretty =_=). the nurse went to wipe it off gently and minzy struggled a little. she then used her finger to stroke minzy's forehead, saying that 'it's ok.. it's ok...'. i was so envious of the nurse. i want to touch minzy and tell her that it's ok (except that it's really not) as well. i want to hug her and hold her little hands T_T

there were 2 doctors who came in to check her bowel movements while i was there. there were 3 little poop (which by the way look like some bugs) in her PU bag and the doctors were using their gloved fingers to shift it away from the intestines. they pressed on the intestines a couple of times and i was worried minzy might be pained from all that organ touching. the nurse assured me that there it was not painful and it was ok to touch the intestines like that. okay.

since she was over the critical 3 day period, the doctors still commented that she would have to make it past 1 week for her to be really stable (even so, how stable could NICU babies be...). her infection was dropping and her blood pressure etc was all stabilizing. it was really good news. she was able to pass urine and faeces normally now. she still had slight bleeding in her brains, but the focus now was really the candida infection.

i was able to take a lot of videos and pictures of her now that she was doing better. i was so glad and happy. nampyeon took many more too - he even took zoomed-in videos of her hands and her feet moving individually XD

i couldn't bear to leave this cute little thing when our visit was over. we had a nice shabu lunch/dinner before heading home.

i didn't think we would finish those vege and that large pile of beansprout... but we did!

anyway... back at home... i thought i should also remember this. everytime they print the labels for my milk, i feel a sense of satisfaction as the days increase. Minzy started eating again today. She was day 24, and i hope she will have many many more happy days to come.

Resting place

30 May 

You know how the government desperately wants you to have kids when they give you lots of stuff to celebrate the birth of your babies. we received 2 boxes full of things needed for baby life - a mommy bag, baby swaddlers, thermometers, napkins, clothes, pillows etc. they were very cutely designed and i really appreciate the thoughtfulness of the local province. of course, one box was for Linzy and the other for Minzy. they were nice enough to give 2 boxes of different things for us. i really hope i get to use them when Minzy is discharged.

also, we decided to split the flowers from charis into different pots, since we didn't have one that was big enough for the whole basket. we placed 1 in the kitchen, 1 in the living room and 2 along our 2nd floor corridor.

i really don't know how to keep plants and i hope they can last longer in their new pots. but it seems that some stalks were already withering. nampyeon kept saying that florists must be people who don't like flowers... because if they do, why would they pluck the flowers from their environment and shorten their life?

i guess it's because they didn't know that most of the people who receive flowers don't really know how to care for them... if not the flowers wouldn't have such a short life... well, at least there was a point in their life where they were most beautiful and most valuable, and they brought happiness to someone.


while organizing my things i came across the first ultrasound scan i had that had just 2 embryos. at first i kept thinking that Kinzy and Linzy were my original embryos and Minzy was the 3rd child brought about by Linzy. however i realised that it was not so. Linzy was actually the 3rd child brought about by Minzy, in fact. She was the weakest of the 3 with the lightest weight, and she had a hole in her heart. I remembered because the doctor looked in detail for a long long time at her hollow heart, on my right stomach. however, towards the last 2 months of pregnancy, she suddenly grew bigger than everyone else. i was told the baby on the right side was bigger as well. that was when the doctor suspected TTTS, since she was always about 30g heavier than Minzy. however, that 30g actually doesn't mean anything. it was just normal for twins to have different weight, as long as they are not too far off, and the weights are monitored closely for any disparity.

When Linzy was born, she was at 450g and Minzy at 430g. Minzy is actually our 2nd embryo. it was unfornate that the sister she brought out didn't survive with her. she must have wanted a sibling so much. the twins must have grieved when Kinzy passed on. they must have been distressed in my womb, when their dead sibling was just a membrane away.

knowing that the 2 embryos weren't the ones who went to heaven... i decided to change my picture so all of us could be together, forever, at least in this tiny space in our house.

this was the only photo i have where the triplets were captured together. i remembered how elated i was when i saw them all together. i had received a bunch of  20 other photos together with this, were each baby were scanned and printed for me everytime i went for ultrasound. this was the picture i wanted to post to announce my joy.

it's ok. mommy and daddy will always have the three of you pictured together, in our hearts.

A date once in a while

28 May

Since the cremation, we've had piano music switched on for the babies when they were alone in the room. Previously we played disney music from here:

they went on for 6-8hours so it could usually last through the night. we played normal lullabies as well:

I played kpop piano music and some songs were actually pretty upbeat so i wasn't so sad when i hear them.

but that morning i decided that i was straying too far from baby music and decided to go back to lullabies, after my pumping session.

wrong choice.

it brought back memories of days before the cremation, and of the cremation itself, and i started tearing again, while lying in bed. unfortunately nampyeon had to come in after that and caught me in the act. he asked me why i was sad again, and said that Kinzy and Linzy were fortunate to have a mom who remembers.

but they were not... i was responsible for their passing. there was no way to forget. even so, i couldn't let the memories tie me down. jackie told me that breastmilk contains hormones, and i wasn't supposed to pass the pessimistic hormones to Minzy.

i was looking at redecorating our rooms to make space for Minzy when she comes home, and nampyeon suggested visiting ikea. we wanted to buy more wardrobes as well - nampyeon says i just have too many clothes and they were all over the place (that is so not true.. i do stack my stuff neatly). thank goodness there was one at giheung, which was just 15mins away by taxi. we decided to head out and take a look at furniture. we came out around 4pm, which was a little late so we only took a quick tour before settling our dinner at the bistro. due to the virus, there was no queue at the bistro and there was barely any people (but there was still people).

there was a new mall just opposite ikea and nampyeon wanted to visit that. before that we stopped at ikea's pump area. ever since i had to pump, i took interest in looking at the different pumping areas different places have to offer. i had been pumping at home and the hospital, so i was mildly intrigued with the cute design ikea has for the feeding room.

i think it's nice that owners try to make the feeding room as welcoming and as homely as possible for both moms and kids. it makes the whole experience friendly and relaxing.

anyway we went over to the opposite mall and we regretted coming so late...

the mall had so so so many furniture shops and huge, unique cafes! this one totally caught our attention and we couldn't help stopping here for a quick rest. (actually my legs were already hurting from the 1hr walk around ikea)

they have this ferrero puff at only 1.8k won. a total must-try. the red velvet coconut cookie was pretty nice too (but not very red velvety)

it was actually quite nice to watch the little fishes swim by while having a drink. we started to think about what the fishes must be thinking as they swim in the tank... they were pretty much the same as us in quarantine since there's nothing for them to do in that fixed area except to move, eat, shit and sleep. fishes like goldfish with only a 5secs memory would probably not get tired of this life, since everything they do for the interval of 5secs was new to them?

the cafe wasn't fully built, as 40% of the tanks were still empty and not opened up. we will definitely come back again!

we didn't finish exploring the mall, but there were 2 other huge cafes at the basement - the teddy cafe and the harry potter fan cafe.

the teddy cafe has huge bears in different superhero costumes and you could sit with bears for your tea time.

decided to take a selfie with the super big bear in front of the cafe. thank goodness for masks because i look so terrible.

lastly we took a stroll in harry potter cafe. there's magic show at 2 set times (1.30pm and 4.30pm, but we've already missed the last timing). wonder what performance is done...

unfortunately i think the cafe has much to improve on. there's so much more they could do! i guess it's still not fully set up since we still see a lot of empty and big spaces. perhaps we'll try their pizza next time.

my leg was in a super bad state by this time and i was limping so we couldn't explore further. the good thing is the mall was close to our neighbourhood so we could just come back next time. before leaving, here's a photo of the waiting area just outside toilet -

it's definitely a furniture mall...

The cremation

26 May

It was midnight, just after i finished the zoom call with the girls. We tried moving the babies to our room so they could sleep with us for a night, but as soon as Linzy was in the room, water droplets formed around her face. It was just too warm for her. before i sent them back, i gave both my babies a kiss on their head. i wanted to hug them and put them to my heart, but they were so frail and so small, i was afraid i would break them.

We then moved all of them back to the fridge and ended up sitting in the kitchen writing letters to each of them and making origami tortoises. we wanted to stay by their side for just one last night, before we send them off in the morning. i placed the everland pandas by each of their side. they didn't have any toys at all so i thought it'd be good to put one with them. we tried to make their boxes as heartwarming as possible and placed in breastmilk as well. it was the least we could do for these babies.

come 8am, and it was time to depart for the crematorium. this time MIL and her brother, as well as her brother's wife, came along with us. nampyeon and i carried our babies boxes to the office and nampyeon registered the cremation - this time without any issues. Linzy was the first to be cremated (there was a fixed timing for registered and unregistered babies to be cremated). i touched her for the last time, and couldn't help but cried. it was so so hard to control, when i thought of how this little life suffered, and i was not able to see her in her final moments. there was regrets, and there was bitterness. i blamed myself again and again.

we were moved to the departure room, where we were separated from the cremation site behind a glass panel. Linzy was placed inside the crematorium, and the doors slid down. it took only 15seconds before i realised that i could no longer see her, or touch her. i couldn't say my goodbyes but cried for a long, long time.

we rested in a family room and waited while Linzy turned to ashes in the blazes. it took about 1hr before the cremation was completed and nampyeon went down to collect her ashes.

around 10am, we sent off Kinzy in the same way. i thought i had somehow controlled my feelings and even managed to whisper "잘 가요.." before i burst into tears again. I remembered Kinzy kicking healthily in our last ultrasound, and just a week after she was gone. and the ultrasounds that i saw of her after that... she was always crouching and squeezed in the corner. it pained me when i thought of how her last few moments. was she choking? was she crying for me? did she pass on the dream to nampyeon to ask us to save her? we would never know.

Kinzy took a little longer to complete. i guess the attendants listened to us and set a lower temperature for Kinzy as she was so so small. a strong blaze would have not left any ashes. it was fortunate we had remains of both of them. they were wrapped in paper and labeled. we placed them in a ziplock and carried them home. we contemplated burning our letters with them but in the end decided that we would put them in the urn together with the ashes, so our voices could be with them in the pigeon tin.

In a way it was as though something heavy was lifted off me. i wanted to be with them longer yet i was worried about the decay. i didn't want them to go looking too different from their final moments. but every time i see them i was in so much pain.

we had lunch with the people who came and i was surprised i could eat so much (probably because the food was good too).

after the hearty meal, we went home to prepare to see Minzy. since Minzy could eat again, we needed to send all the breastmilk collected for the past week for her.

We thought Minzy would be in a better state but it seems that she probably knew her sisters were sent off this morning. she was having a pretty difficult time. her face and body was awfully bloated, probably due to the water retention and the fact that she couldn't pee very well. her blood pressure was low and doctors had to give her medicine to raise it. she was battling with the candida infection and i'm not sure why but her stomach looked so black. the doctor told us that it was probably due to the accumulated waste inside her but i've never seen it so black. they also mentioned that the infection was probably passed to her at birth from me, and might even be due to the big diapers she was wearing. they asked us to get diapers for micro preemies. i can never understand why hospitals wouldn't have diapers for micro preemies....

anyway... Minzy's right arm was free from needles finally. i could finally see her little hands and fingers. it was so, so cute. she was moving her right arm and right leg (we wondered if her left side was ok as she was mainly moving her right arm and leg), as well as her little fingers. i desperately want to put my finger in her hands so she could hold it, but the nurses were the only ones who were able to touch her so freely. it was the first time her right arm was free of tape.

she opened her right eye ever so slightly while i was there and i was sure i saw a very tiny teardrop when she closed it again. was she in pain? was she sad? did she know her sisters left in the morning? it was so heartbreaking for me. i wanted to hold her and tell her it's ok... my brave child. i'm here. mommy's here. but she won't hear me. and i couldn't touch her.

that night, we placed Kinzy and Linzy's ashes in the urn and put the babies in our room, atop the airdresser. we would sleep with them till we find their burial site.