Resting place

30 May 

You know how the government desperately wants you to have kids when they give you lots of stuff to celebrate the birth of your babies. we received 2 boxes full of things needed for baby life - a mommy bag, baby swaddlers, thermometers, napkins, clothes, pillows etc. they were very cutely designed and i really appreciate the thoughtfulness of the local province. of course, one box was for Linzy and the other for Minzy. they were nice enough to give 2 boxes of different things for us. i really hope i get to use them when Minzy is discharged.

also, we decided to split the flowers from charis into different pots, since we didn't have one that was big enough for the whole basket. we placed 1 in the kitchen, 1 in the living room and 2 along our 2nd floor corridor.

i really don't know how to keep plants and i hope they can last longer in their new pots. but it seems that some stalks were already withering. nampyeon kept saying that florists must be people who don't like flowers... because if they do, why would they pluck the flowers from their environment and shorten their life?

i guess it's because they didn't know that most of the people who receive flowers don't really know how to care for them... if not the flowers wouldn't have such a short life... well, at least there was a point in their life where they were most beautiful and most valuable, and they brought happiness to someone.


while organizing my things i came across the first ultrasound scan i had that had just 2 embryos. at first i kept thinking that Kinzy and Linzy were my original embryos and Minzy was the 3rd child brought about by Linzy. however i realised that it was not so. Linzy was actually the 3rd child brought about by Minzy, in fact. She was the weakest of the 3 with the lightest weight, and she had a hole in her heart. I remembered because the doctor looked in detail for a long long time at her hollow heart, on my right stomach. however, towards the last 2 months of pregnancy, she suddenly grew bigger than everyone else. i was told the baby on the right side was bigger as well. that was when the doctor suspected TTTS, since she was always about 30g heavier than Minzy. however, that 30g actually doesn't mean anything. it was just normal for twins to have different weight, as long as they are not too far off, and the weights are monitored closely for any disparity.

When Linzy was born, she was at 450g and Minzy at 430g. Minzy is actually our 2nd embryo. it was unfornate that the sister she brought out didn't survive with her. she must have wanted a sibling so much. the twins must have grieved when Kinzy passed on. they must have been distressed in my womb, when their dead sibling was just a membrane away.

knowing that the 2 embryos weren't the ones who went to heaven... i decided to change my picture so all of us could be together, forever, at least in this tiny space in our house.

this was the only photo i have where the triplets were captured together. i remembered how elated i was when i saw them all together. i had received a bunch of  20 other photos together with this, were each baby were scanned and printed for me everytime i went for ultrasound. this was the picture i wanted to post to announce my joy.

it's ok. mommy and daddy will always have the three of you pictured together, in our hearts.

Alone

27 May

I woke up in the morning and kept myself busy. I did laundry, changed my bedsheets while nampyeon made Day 1 tonic for me to drink. My babies were in a fresh room now.

My sister sent me confinement tonic and i had only started drinking yesterday. there were 2 other tonics before Day 1, to be drunk immediately after delivery. but i was already 2 weeks late. still, i drank as if i had just started confinement.

i sat in the kitchen and often stared dazedly at our backyard. it was filled with lush greenery, with people playing golf just beyond the fence. i wonder if Minzy will ever see this with me someday. we received letters addressed to my twins from the provincial offices congratulating us on the birth of Linzy and Minzy, and offering us birth packages and bonuses.

when you register your babies, they even gave presents such as baby books to congratulate you. i have 2 sets of these, but there's no one i can read to now.

i had presents from the hospital for Minzy yesterday, probably given by followers of christianity - given that the book contents had bible quotes and verses.

just looking at all these... i suddenly just felt very sorry for myself and for my babies. i had delivered but i had no babies to take home with me. i had no congratulations except the default packages generated from the provincial offices that triggers on birth registry. did they know Linzy is no longer with me? Kinzy wasn't even recognised at birth, since she passed away long before she was even born. did they know Minzy is struggling in NICU, and she can't see her parents more than once a week? would Minzy be able to embrace all her gifts in the end?

while many of the people around me advised minimising movements, not doing housework and generally spending time resting, i did not have the luxury to do that. i had no housekeeper, i had no confinement nanny. i had no babies. i didn't deserve any helpers at all. in between housework, i had to pump milk every 3 hours and take care of my meals myself. it takes about 50mins to pump each time, with preparation and washing of the parts. this means i had to wake up every 2-2.5hrs in fact, at night.

i wept by myself in the kitchen. nampyeon was busy handling csl stuff upstairs and he wasn't even able to have lunch with me nor help me with housework. whenever he was busy everything i asked or said irritated him so i could only do things by myself that day. i made this whole mess and it was no use feeling sorry for myself. i needed to be strong for Minzy. we made a quick trip to the hospital to send the diapers over that day since it arrived. on the way home, we stopped at the emart area for dinner.

unfortunately the wind was cold and my knees were hurting. i wasn't able to walk for very long and we had to eat quickly and get home quickly. when i went home to pump i realised that nampyeon had mistakenly sent the BM that contained the first squeeze (we collected all the first squeeze in a single pack). i told him to call the hospital and he suddenly got mad at me, saying that i should have packed the BM properly. i packed the BM, but he was the one who checked the second time and placed the leftovers in. he insisted i call to rectify the mistake but i was clearly not the one at fault.

i was so furious and upset that he blamed me for this when he was the one who didn't check properly. it was such a tiny everyday quarrel, but i burst into tears and cried so badly. i was so tired. i was tired of doing so many things by myself. i was not over my babies yet. i didn't have help. and he kept getting irritated and mad at me whenever i asked him to do something, to the point i couldn't even ask him for help anymore.

i know that nampyeon is as stressed as me, having to deal with both work and the babies paper matters, and a depressed wife. but i was hurt both mentally and physically. my legs and hands lost strength - they just couldn't work the same way as before. my heart, and my body is in pain. i had knee guards, ankle guards, elbow guard and wrist guards on myself. my boobs were hurting, i had ice packs on myself. my eyes were red and bulging from all the tears, and my head and stomach hurt.

i was sorry i had to burst out uncontrollably, to my stressed nampyeon. i was sorry he had to comfort me in the end. but i wanted so badly comfort. a place i can rest. a home i can return to. a family who needs me. people who could help me. i felt i had nothing, and i had nothing but pain.

Learning new things!

hmm, after the photobucket incident, i'm still contemplating on whether i should continue this blog. years of writing is wasted because stupid photobucket decide to suck money from their users and deactivate all my photo links. so if i do continue i'll have to upload a mess of photos to blogger, which doesn't seem to have any folder organisation. pwah..

but i do need somewhere to jot my memories, even if i do become lazy these days XD

but short update - i'm learning piano (started just 2 days ago) and golf (starting next week). i'm so excited!! here's my first golfing shoes and gloves. i would have loved to spend a longer time glossing over the products but i was kinda forced to pick one out in less than 10mins from our country club T_T love the shoe bag though lolol

 

i'm just scared that i'll do badly and then start to waste all the money there. having stayed near a golf course for well over 2 years, i had really wanted to swing those clubs at least once but since it's such an expensive sport, it's pretty hard to start it. i really like all those golfing bags i see at departmental stores though but the prices are too extravagant for a beginner like me!??!? if you're interested golf lessons are around 300k won a month for twice a week, for about 20min teaching each time and the rest of the 50mins as practice. however you need to rent the practice area for about 100k won/10times, with 70min duration each. you can however choose to pay an extra 40k for unlimited practice, but i'm not even sure if i'll come over on days without lessons since the place is a inaccessible to people without cars. it is said that you'll need to come at least 3 mths to fully know and play the game. so basically over 1k to learn golfing... @_@

and then i'm hopping over to piano later. it's a bit embarrassing to be one of the oldest there playing Mary had a Little Lamb while the young ones are on Mozart and Bach but nevermind, i can do it! nampyeon wanted to start a hobby together but we ended up taking lessons separately so i'm not sure if this still counts as doing something together.

the lessons i'm taking is about 150k won/mth, for a short 10-15mins teaching twice a week. but you can just come into the practice area anytime, any day for no extra charges. again, not that i'm likely to visit myself at any other times... i wish that it is within walking distance but i have no car! pwahhhh. i used to learn organ when i was little (like 4 or 5?!) but now my hands are no longer coordinated so it takes a bit of time to get used to playing with both hands. saddddd.

another 3 hours till my lesson later on so i'll probably start to organise all my trip photos and hopefully i'll be able to upload slowly to my blog... soon... x_x

170107 Konjiam Ski

since it's winter, we decided to give skiing a go before snow stops falling! so here we are at konjiam again. 00's friend ray was picking us up and meeting early, so we ran out without breakfast and i had to order it at the meeting place. for a random order, it was still yummy. mistakenly got an affogato ice cream instead of coffee though. whoops. there's always some surprises when you choose to order things with unique names.

i managed to go for more than 4 times this time!

we even went for the expert course. not bad! i'm starting to get the hang, and falling less often. but i still look awkward. skiing is still a strenuous and expensive activity so i really don't see myself doing it frequent anyway. while the guys went for further rounds i stayed at the side and built some little icemen.

you can't see the icemen? neither can i.

went for dinner after that with seong jun, ray and his workplace friends, who treated us. i basically have no idea what haejangguk is and his friend mistakenly ordered a share for me... so... uh...

i just drank the soup and didn't really eat any of the stuff inside. did try, but it was just weird. (basically it's all intestines).

i kinda missed the last time we were here for free staying at one of the rooms and just going for spa during summer, and we had convenience food for dinner. it was a lazy day but still enjoyable. i remembered we had like 2-3 rooms to ourselves. perhaps mr kong will get another voucher this summer...

170101 No Brand Shop

on the final day of 2016, i celebrated with 00 by going to the pancake place we went to like a few years ago~

the place is so awesome we totally got a room to ourselves. didn't want to leave. and for some reason i lost the photo of my pancake. bleahs. we had makgolli too. it was nice to drink with dear alone (",) he is getting weak to alcohol, one makgolli fried him like an octopus.

the next day we hung out with JH. went to giheung for this awesome tofu jjige with lots of side dishes, each set is less than 8000 won.

feeling full, but there's always room for desserts? just nearby was a TO the DIFFERENT cafe, which features desserts from over 32 (or 36?) different countries. yum! it is said that eki likes the cafe so much she bought every single thing they have there to test.

after that we took a trip to NO BRAND SHOP! because everything is cheap when there's no brand. wait, isn't NO BRAND a sort of brand in itself? the label 'NO BRAND' is a brand right?! whatever.

neat cafeteria at the end of your shopping haul. but you need to pay for the disposable cups to get the free coffee. nice play at creating a 'free' illusion.

went back home after the trip.

btw we passed by baskin robbins. recognise this cake from goblin? i so want to try it, but the weather is really not appropriate.

161228 Katana Yongin

we decided to have the shoot at yongin, in the middle of the night since there probably wouldn't be a lot of people. and i wanted to do it before the really horrible cold winter came. to be honest, it wasn't really a good choice anyway (since up till now i still haven't gotten my final edited photos).

it was almost a hit and run thing and there were crazy people passing by. like cars (it's a market street, cars are not supposed to come in!). but since there's no one, we decided to park our van there anyway. and crazy teenagers walking around. the weather was cold, why don't they just go home!!!

i had to like cower in the car, then wait for the guys to finish setting up, run out and pose for a good 5 mins before running back to the car to de-freeze. it was a good thing we parked the van nearby. the weather was already winter, who was i kidding!!! it was below 0degrees. i must have been nuts.

we shot at 3 different places before i totally became olaf.

we started the shoot around 11plus and it ended up around 4am. snow came FIERCELY right when we ended. woah.

after that we went for a supper-breakfast, and i just couldn't stop shaking. katana doesn't even need snow, why did i shoot it in winter. i guess that's why she's in SUICIDE squad.

BAD DECISION, girl. BAD DECISION.

161224 Bonjour Beer

i'm taking a space travel back to 2016 to recall what i did.
so it was christmas and we didn't do much. it snowed a lot though.

i was so bored i started messing with dear's hair. PPAP PINEAPPLE PAPA.

at night we went to have a drink at bonjour beer since i haven't been there before, with taesun.

ordered grapefruit beer, which is surprisingly refreshing. good to know we have such cozy drinking places in yongin~!

161128 Caribbean Everland

so guess where we're going in the middle of winter... WATER PARK.
hahah with the grace of mr manyong, we got some free tickets enough for the whole team to go, but in the end only 5 of us went, which is still fun!

had some food before we went in. it's expensive, so always remember to eat before you come...

and here we are!

hahah look at mr kong and ark coming down the slides. hehe. love the big slides!

and we're going down too~!!

lazing around the lazy pool..

after going around the lazy pool twice and the slide for like 5 times.. and more saunas, we changed and headed for everland.

we're at everland! on the cable car. that's ark at the back. hahah.

of cos, t-express is something we shouldn't miss here. we caught some animal shows as well. there's a christmas twist to some of the shows we've watched before.

we then had a few snacks and it was soon night time. christmas night at everland!

and there's a santa claus just near the exit!! JH felt embarrassed and didn't join in here. we have no full group photo!!! T_T

but it's ok, i just need my dear's face. lovelove.

and finally dinner outside of everland..~