over the critical period!

3 June

it was a looong wait as we got startled at every phone call, thinking it might be from the NICU. we couldn't stay near the hospital because there was no one taking care of our FIL at night. in fact, there was one night where he broke out in sweat in the kitchen and he shouted for nampyeon weakly. thankfully i heard it and nampyeon was able to administer his insulin in time, as his blood sugar level was very low. we prayed that minzy would get through these few days.

Minzy didn't let us down. we called the hospital before our visit - since i had to be there for my post-delivery blood test - and was told Minzy was stabilizing. they were already reducing her blood pressure medicine.

we dropped by around 10+am for my blood test, and a post-consultation with my doctor-in-charge. i almost teared when the doctor asked how my baby was doing doing pre-analysis, but i held myself well. after he took down my concerns, we met with the main doctor. he had analysed my placenta and commented that the infection rate for both minzy and linzy wasn't high, and there was no link that suggests it led to the fungal infection minzy has now (as opposed to what the doctors at nicu had suggested). the infection rate was higher for minzy than linzy. still it doesn't mean that there was no link at all. he also took a sample of my vagina secretion for cancer test. he said that since i didn't tear my vagina during the delivery, my recovery was much faster, and i am now able to go back to my 'normal' life - confinement over, able to go into water, able to exercise etc.

it was all great news for me, but i was still feeling terrible at heart.

when we dropped by, minzy was blinking and her eyes shifted here and there. i was suddenly so excited - i thought she could see me when she looked like she was looking at me. in fact, nampyeon said that minzy's so small she probably wouldn't see anything even if she looked like she was looking at me. she was moving her right arm and leg this time, and i heaved a sigh of relief as there was a period of time we thought half of her might be paralysed. her ears were still bloated and so was the right side of her neck. this time, we noticed that she was generating a lot of saliva as she kept making saliva bubbles. it was actually very cute. her hands and feet was so tiny and it was making so much movements that i fell in love with minzy all over again. she was so, so cute. even nampyeon said that she was very cute (but then he's not sure if she will be pretty =_=). the nurse went to wipe it off gently and minzy struggled a little. she then used her finger to stroke minzy's forehead, saying that 'it's ok.. it's ok...'. i was so envious of the nurse. i want to touch minzy and tell her that it's ok (except that it's really not) as well. i want to hug her and hold her little hands T_T

there were 2 doctors who came in to check her bowel movements while i was there. there were 3 little poop (which by the way look like some bugs) in her PU bag and the doctors were using their gloved fingers to shift it away from the intestines. they pressed on the intestines a couple of times and i was worried minzy might be pained from all that organ touching. the nurse assured me that there it was not painful and it was ok to touch the intestines like that. okay.

since she was over the critical 3 day period, the doctors still commented that she would have to make it past 1 week for her to be really stable (even so, how stable could NICU babies be...). her infection was dropping and her blood pressure etc was all stabilizing. it was really good news. she was able to pass urine and faeces normally now. she still had slight bleeding in her brains, but the focus now was really the candida infection.

i was able to take a lot of videos and pictures of her now that she was doing better. i was so glad and happy. nampyeon took many more too - he even took zoomed-in videos of her hands and her feet moving individually XD

i couldn't bear to leave this cute little thing when our visit was over. we had a nice shabu lunch/dinner before heading home.

i didn't think we would finish those vege and that large pile of beansprout... but we did!

anyway... back at home... i thought i should also remember this. everytime they print the labels for my milk, i feel a sense of satisfaction as the days increase. Minzy started eating again today. She was day 24, and i hope she will have many many more happy days to come.

The cremation

26 May

It was midnight, just after i finished the zoom call with the girls. We tried moving the babies to our room so they could sleep with us for a night, but as soon as Linzy was in the room, water droplets formed around her face. It was just too warm for her. before i sent them back, i gave both my babies a kiss on their head. i wanted to hug them and put them to my heart, but they were so frail and so small, i was afraid i would break them.

We then moved all of them back to the fridge and ended up sitting in the kitchen writing letters to each of them and making origami tortoises. we wanted to stay by their side for just one last night, before we send them off in the morning. i placed the everland pandas by each of their side. they didn't have any toys at all so i thought it'd be good to put one with them. we tried to make their boxes as heartwarming as possible and placed in breastmilk as well. it was the least we could do for these babies.

come 8am, and it was time to depart for the crematorium. this time MIL and her brother, as well as her brother's wife, came along with us. nampyeon and i carried our babies boxes to the office and nampyeon registered the cremation - this time without any issues. Linzy was the first to be cremated (there was a fixed timing for registered and unregistered babies to be cremated). i touched her for the last time, and couldn't help but cried. it was so so hard to control, when i thought of how this little life suffered, and i was not able to see her in her final moments. there was regrets, and there was bitterness. i blamed myself again and again.

we were moved to the departure room, where we were separated from the cremation site behind a glass panel. Linzy was placed inside the crematorium, and the doors slid down. it took only 15seconds before i realised that i could no longer see her, or touch her. i couldn't say my goodbyes but cried for a long, long time.

we rested in a family room and waited while Linzy turned to ashes in the blazes. it took about 1hr before the cremation was completed and nampyeon went down to collect her ashes.

around 10am, we sent off Kinzy in the same way. i thought i had somehow controlled my feelings and even managed to whisper "잘 가요.." before i burst into tears again. I remembered Kinzy kicking healthily in our last ultrasound, and just a week after she was gone. and the ultrasounds that i saw of her after that... she was always crouching and squeezed in the corner. it pained me when i thought of how her last few moments. was she choking? was she crying for me? did she pass on the dream to nampyeon to ask us to save her? we would never know.

Kinzy took a little longer to complete. i guess the attendants listened to us and set a lower temperature for Kinzy as she was so so small. a strong blaze would have not left any ashes. it was fortunate we had remains of both of them. they were wrapped in paper and labeled. we placed them in a ziplock and carried them home. we contemplated burning our letters with them but in the end decided that we would put them in the urn together with the ashes, so our voices could be with them in the pigeon tin.

In a way it was as though something heavy was lifted off me. i wanted to be with them longer yet i was worried about the decay. i didn't want them to go looking too different from their final moments. but every time i see them i was in so much pain.

we had lunch with the people who came and i was surprised i could eat so much (probably because the food was good too).

after the hearty meal, we went home to prepare to see Minzy. since Minzy could eat again, we needed to send all the breastmilk collected for the past week for her.

We thought Minzy would be in a better state but it seems that she probably knew her sisters were sent off this morning. she was having a pretty difficult time. her face and body was awfully bloated, probably due to the water retention and the fact that she couldn't pee very well. her blood pressure was low and doctors had to give her medicine to raise it. she was battling with the candida infection and i'm not sure why but her stomach looked so black. the doctor told us that it was probably due to the accumulated waste inside her but i've never seen it so black. they also mentioned that the infection was probably passed to her at birth from me, and might even be due to the big diapers she was wearing. they asked us to get diapers for micro preemies. i can never understand why hospitals wouldn't have diapers for micro preemies....

anyway... Minzy's right arm was free from needles finally. i could finally see her little hands and fingers. it was so, so cute. she was moving her right arm and right leg (we wondered if her left side was ok as she was mainly moving her right arm and leg), as well as her little fingers. i desperately want to put my finger in her hands so she could hold it, but the nurses were the only ones who were able to touch her so freely. it was the first time her right arm was free of tape.

she opened her right eye ever so slightly while i was there and i was sure i saw a very tiny teardrop when she closed it again. was she in pain? was she sad? did she know her sisters left in the morning? it was so heartbreaking for me. i wanted to hold her and tell her it's ok... my brave child. i'm here. mommy's here. but she won't hear me. and i couldn't touch her.

that night, we placed Kinzy and Linzy's ashes in the urn and put the babies in our room, atop the airdresser. we would sleep with them till we find their burial site.

190920 Fiona Fringe Roll

i bought this fringe roll sheet because there was a 50% discount at Olive & Young. It was just 3k won for 10pcs. cheappppp.

Each piece is individually packed and feels kinda like a wet tissue, only smaller. it can cover only half a medium size roll.

Anyway this is how my fringe looks like naturally. I had it permed twice? But i think everything was cut off so it is as good as being unpermed. It's so long and i always have difficulty trying to roll it.

 So here's me all dressed up with the roll. hurhur.

After approximately 5 mins, you can remove the roll but I just left it on while applying lipstick and this is how it looks. It's kinda wet and a little hard. and you can already see that my fringe has curled and has been shortened by 30%.

But the sheet is still wet and i thought i might just reuse it for the left and right side of my hair. lolol. You can probably use it for various other parts of your hair that requires curling?

and the final outlook. It looks half decent but that's just the beginning of the day. The moist dries up pretty fast (10-15mins?). use a hair dryer if you're in a rush but i was just afraid it might 'blow' the style away. and since i was reusing the sheet for other parts i didn't really need to dry it.

 OK i'm ready to go out! The weather in Korea is about 26degrees and not so humid. I think the most important factor in maintaining the fringe is probably humidity. i find that my fringe dies almost immediately after stepping out the door in singapore.

I was indoor most of the time so there's no wind. i went to Express Bus terminal to shop and had some good food with nampyeon. The fish cuisine at the NC shopping mall about 1 bus stop away from the terminal is so super delicious. YUMMMMMs.

and then i took the bus home. during the day i kept sweeping my hair to the side because it kinda affect my vision and makes my eyes ticklish but i guess it uh kinda holds up for a good 10hrs? i'd think if my fringe is shorter it would do a better job. at the end of the day it wasn't so hard anymore and felt like my natural fringe with a slight bounce at the top. oh and it was so warm in our bus i almost died since i was wearing furry clothes.

for 3k won, it's definitely a good buy. i think i'll get it if i don't want to take my electronic curler and for like short trips.... if my fringe is shorter. still don't really want to cut it!

170113 Jun Ki Launch

i get to see lee jun ki again!!
he's back to advertise for resident evil with milla jovovich.
even though he's in a minor role this time, it doesn't matter, i will still watch out for him. and of cos, i'm at co-ex specially for him!

the place was already super crowded by the time it was nearing the premieres. i actually don't really like to wait a long time so i came in just 15mins or so before the premieres to squeeze with the people. there were people who didn't even know what was happening squeezing together, and in front of me. it was so irritating. they didn't even move off after being told off by one of the lady who waited longer than me. in any case, after much nudging and pushing for over 30mins, the guests finally appeared! so here's my very short take on my idol.

after they moved to the red carpet the crowd also followed and we basically walked round and round the area till we get a super short glimpse, while being chased away by the security guards constantly to keep moving.

anyway after i had my eye-fill, we went for lunch with giro. this is actually a combination of canteen food and buffet. you can pick all the dishes you want, as much as you as long as it can fit in your tray for just a minimum amount. i think it was 7 or 8k, can't remember.

took a little tour around the marvel shops near the event area before we headed off.

and that marks my 2nd time seeing dear junki-ssi. love love.

170107 Konjiam Ski

since it's winter, we decided to give skiing a go before snow stops falling! so here we are at konjiam again. 00's friend ray was picking us up and meeting early, so we ran out without breakfast and i had to order it at the meeting place. for a random order, it was still yummy. mistakenly got an affogato ice cream instead of coffee though. whoops. there's always some surprises when you choose to order things with unique names.

i managed to go for more than 4 times this time!

we even went for the expert course. not bad! i'm starting to get the hang, and falling less often. but i still look awkward. skiing is still a strenuous and expensive activity so i really don't see myself doing it frequent anyway. while the guys went for further rounds i stayed at the side and built some little icemen.

you can't see the icemen? neither can i.

went for dinner after that with seong jun, ray and his workplace friends, who treated us. i basically have no idea what haejangguk is and his friend mistakenly ordered a share for me... so... uh...

i just drank the soup and didn't really eat any of the stuff inside. did try, but it was just weird. (basically it's all intestines).

i kinda missed the last time we were here for free staying at one of the rooms and just going for spa during summer, and we had convenience food for dinner. it was a lazy day but still enjoyable. i remembered we had like 2-3 rooms to ourselves. perhaps mr kong will get another voucher this summer...

170101 No Brand Shop

on the final day of 2016, i celebrated with 00 by going to the pancake place we went to like a few years ago~

the place is so awesome we totally got a room to ourselves. didn't want to leave. and for some reason i lost the photo of my pancake. bleahs. we had makgolli too. it was nice to drink with dear alone (",) he is getting weak to alcohol, one makgolli fried him like an octopus.

the next day we hung out with JH. went to giheung for this awesome tofu jjige with lots of side dishes, each set is less than 8000 won.

feeling full, but there's always room for desserts? just nearby was a TO the DIFFERENT cafe, which features desserts from over 32 (or 36?) different countries. yum! it is said that eki likes the cafe so much she bought every single thing they have there to test.

after that we took a trip to NO BRAND SHOP! because everything is cheap when there's no brand. wait, isn't NO BRAND a sort of brand in itself? the label 'NO BRAND' is a brand right?! whatever.

neat cafeteria at the end of your shopping haul. but you need to pay for the disposable cups to get the free coffee. nice play at creating a 'free' illusion.

went back home after the trip.

btw we passed by baskin robbins. recognise this cake from goblin? i so want to try it, but the weather is really not appropriate.

161220 Hongdae

had lunch at semaeul sikdang as i wanted to try the dwaengjang there (on the right). however, it is a little salty for my taste, and the kimchi stew is still the best (right)

also wanted to visit onepiee cafe and to shop around as well, so we went to hongdae today.

the queue in is pretty crazy so we only dropped by the gift shop and went off.

there's a castella shop that smelt so good just near the cafe! waited for the cheese version, which came out in less than 15mins.

walked around the area looking for dinner place, but there's long queues everywhere and i wasn't very hungry. passed by a bbq place that's featured in jealousy incarnate!

eventually settled on a stew place. i can't remember the name of the place, as usual, but we ordered a soup and chicken. it wasn't too bad. there's also dokboggi as side dish, but it was really spicy.

after that we headed home.