6 June
we called the hospital to check for minzy's weight. she was at 610g and we were elated. though her infection was still there, her blood pressure was stabilizing and she was able to eat again.
that night... we had a short talk when we slept over Linzy's last moments.
of course i wasn't there to witness it, but nampyeon was near at least.
he was confused and still trying to absorb everything that happened. he was actually sleeping while i was giving birth, and was only notified that the delivery was over once everything was a done deal.
he got to nicu, and the doctors were trying to resuscitate linzy. both the twins were breathing and fine when they left the delivery room, but linzy heartbeat suddenly dropped when she was in nicu.
we realised this only after everything was over, when we started to check what people did when they had preterm deliveries. of course, the cases were far and few, but there were cases when a mom put her baby to her heart, and the baby turned from blue to pink, and eventually survived. there was also a case where nampyeon found, where one of the twin stopped breathing and the nurse suggested putting the baby next to its sibling, and miraculously, the living twin put his hand on his struggling sibling in a hugging action, and the sibling started breathing again.
there was of course not much scientific explanation for these happenings other than the babies feeling familiarity and warmth of where they previously belonged. perhaps in the twins' case - they were always together in the womb and the sudden separation left it struggling.
the thought didn't cross us because we were afraid that whatever we did would have harmed the babies. what if we wanted to hug the baby but instead of doing that, having the doctor resuscitate the baby would have helped it better? nampyeon was in a daze watching the doctors surround linzy, and one of them pressing his hands to her heart. but her heartbeat was zero, and the doctors told him that he should probably give up.
that was when he called me, as i was lying in the recovery area. my baby was dying on me and i was so far away. i couldn't do anything and neither could he. but when he recalled to me that night, he said that he should have probably went over and held linzy as she passed on. perhaps she would have felt her father's warmth as she went away, instead of being surrounded by strangers in a cold, glass incubator.
i teared when i heard his recount. i knew that while i was lying there after my delivery, i was not allowed visitors nor movement, and i could not have made it to linzy's final moments. to be honest, i didn't think that linzy would pass on. i thought she would have hung on, and waited for her mom to come see her. i knew that they wanted us to give up, but i didn't know that once the hand went off she would be gone forever. when i held her, i thought she was just sleeping. but she was gone, and they wouldn't have let me held her if she wasn't.
Showing posts with label linzy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label linzy. Show all posts
Saturday, June 06, 2020
Tuesday, May 26, 2020
The cremation
26 May
It was midnight, just after i finished the zoom call with the girls. We tried moving the babies to our room so they could sleep with us for a night, but as soon as Linzy was in the room, water droplets formed around her face. It was just too warm for her. before i sent them back, i gave both my babies a kiss on their head. i wanted to hug them and put them to my heart, but they were so frail and so small, i was afraid i would break them.
We then moved all of them back to the fridge and ended up sitting in the kitchen writing letters to each of them and making origami tortoises. we wanted to stay by their side for just one last night, before we send them off in the morning. i placed the everland pandas by each of their side. they didn't have any toys at all so i thought it'd be good to put one with them. we tried to make their boxes as heartwarming as possible and placed in breastmilk as well. it was the least we could do for these babies.
come 8am, and it was time to depart for the crematorium. this time MIL and her brother, as well as her brother's wife, came along with us. nampyeon and i carried our babies boxes to the office and nampyeon registered the cremation - this time without any issues. Linzy was the first to be cremated (there was a fixed timing for registered and unregistered babies to be cremated). i touched her for the last time, and couldn't help but cried. it was so so hard to control, when i thought of how this little life suffered, and i was not able to see her in her final moments. there was regrets, and there was bitterness. i blamed myself again and again.
we were moved to the departure room, where we were separated from the cremation site behind a glass panel. Linzy was placed inside the crematorium, and the doors slid down. it took only 15seconds before i realised that i could no longer see her, or touch her. i couldn't say my goodbyes but cried for a long, long time.
we rested in a family room and waited while Linzy turned to ashes in the blazes. it took about 1hr before the cremation was completed and nampyeon went down to collect her ashes.
around 10am, we sent off Kinzy in the same way. i thought i had somehow controlled my feelings and even managed to whisper "잘 가요.." before i burst into tears again. I remembered Kinzy kicking healthily in our last ultrasound, and just a week after she was gone. and the ultrasounds that i saw of her after that... she was always crouching and squeezed in the corner. it pained me when i thought of how her last few moments. was she choking? was she crying for me? did she pass on the dream to nampyeon to ask us to save her? we would never know.
Kinzy took a little longer to complete. i guess the attendants listened to us and set a lower temperature for Kinzy as she was so so small. a strong blaze would have not left any ashes. it was fortunate we had remains of both of them. they were wrapped in paper and labeled. we placed them in a ziplock and carried them home. we contemplated burning our letters with them but in the end decided that we would put them in the urn together with the ashes, so our voices could be with them in the pigeon tin.
In a way it was as though something heavy was lifted off me. i wanted to be with them longer yet i was worried about the decay. i didn't want them to go looking too different from their final moments. but every time i see them i was in so much pain.
we had lunch with the people who came and i was surprised i could eat so much (probably because the food was good too).
after the hearty meal, we went home to prepare to see Minzy. since Minzy could eat again, we needed to send all the breastmilk collected for the past week for her.
We thought Minzy would be in a better state but it seems that she probably knew her sisters were sent off this morning. she was having a pretty difficult time. her face and body was awfully bloated, probably due to the water retention and the fact that she couldn't pee very well. her blood pressure was low and doctors had to give her medicine to raise it. she was battling with the candida infection and i'm not sure why but her stomach looked so black. the doctor told us that it was probably due to the accumulated waste inside her but i've never seen it so black. they also mentioned that the infection was probably passed to her at birth from me, and might even be due to the big diapers she was wearing. they asked us to get diapers for micro preemies. i can never understand why hospitals wouldn't have diapers for micro preemies....
anyway... Minzy's right arm was free from needles finally. i could finally see her little hands and fingers. it was so, so cute. she was moving her right arm and right leg (we wondered if her left side was ok as she was mainly moving her right arm and leg), as well as her little fingers. i desperately want to put my finger in her hands so she could hold it, but the nurses were the only ones who were able to touch her so freely. it was the first time her right arm was free of tape.
she opened her right eye ever so slightly while i was there and i was sure i saw a very tiny teardrop when she closed it again. was she in pain? was she sad? did she know her sisters left in the morning? it was so heartbreaking for me. i wanted to hold her and tell her it's ok... my brave child. i'm here. mommy's here. but she won't hear me. and i couldn't touch her.
that night, we placed Kinzy and Linzy's ashes in the urn and put the babies in our room, atop the airdresser. we would sleep with them till we find their burial site.
It was midnight, just after i finished the zoom call with the girls. We tried moving the babies to our room so they could sleep with us for a night, but as soon as Linzy was in the room, water droplets formed around her face. It was just too warm for her. before i sent them back, i gave both my babies a kiss on their head. i wanted to hug them and put them to my heart, but they were so frail and so small, i was afraid i would break them.
We then moved all of them back to the fridge and ended up sitting in the kitchen writing letters to each of them and making origami tortoises. we wanted to stay by their side for just one last night, before we send them off in the morning. i placed the everland pandas by each of their side. they didn't have any toys at all so i thought it'd be good to put one with them. we tried to make their boxes as heartwarming as possible and placed in breastmilk as well. it was the least we could do for these babies.
come 8am, and it was time to depart for the crematorium. this time MIL and her brother, as well as her brother's wife, came along with us. nampyeon and i carried our babies boxes to the office and nampyeon registered the cremation - this time without any issues. Linzy was the first to be cremated (there was a fixed timing for registered and unregistered babies to be cremated). i touched her for the last time, and couldn't help but cried. it was so so hard to control, when i thought of how this little life suffered, and i was not able to see her in her final moments. there was regrets, and there was bitterness. i blamed myself again and again.
we were moved to the departure room, where we were separated from the cremation site behind a glass panel. Linzy was placed inside the crematorium, and the doors slid down. it took only 15seconds before i realised that i could no longer see her, or touch her. i couldn't say my goodbyes but cried for a long, long time.
we rested in a family room and waited while Linzy turned to ashes in the blazes. it took about 1hr before the cremation was completed and nampyeon went down to collect her ashes.
around 10am, we sent off Kinzy in the same way. i thought i had somehow controlled my feelings and even managed to whisper "잘 가요.." before i burst into tears again. I remembered Kinzy kicking healthily in our last ultrasound, and just a week after she was gone. and the ultrasounds that i saw of her after that... she was always crouching and squeezed in the corner. it pained me when i thought of how her last few moments. was she choking? was she crying for me? did she pass on the dream to nampyeon to ask us to save her? we would never know.
Kinzy took a little longer to complete. i guess the attendants listened to us and set a lower temperature for Kinzy as she was so so small. a strong blaze would have not left any ashes. it was fortunate we had remains of both of them. they were wrapped in paper and labeled. we placed them in a ziplock and carried them home. we contemplated burning our letters with them but in the end decided that we would put them in the urn together with the ashes, so our voices could be with them in the pigeon tin.
In a way it was as though something heavy was lifted off me. i wanted to be with them longer yet i was worried about the decay. i didn't want them to go looking too different from their final moments. but every time i see them i was in so much pain.
we had lunch with the people who came and i was surprised i could eat so much (probably because the food was good too).
after the hearty meal, we went home to prepare to see Minzy. since Minzy could eat again, we needed to send all the breastmilk collected for the past week for her.
We thought Minzy would be in a better state but it seems that she probably knew her sisters were sent off this morning. she was having a pretty difficult time. her face and body was awfully bloated, probably due to the water retention and the fact that she couldn't pee very well. her blood pressure was low and doctors had to give her medicine to raise it. she was battling with the candida infection and i'm not sure why but her stomach looked so black. the doctor told us that it was probably due to the accumulated waste inside her but i've never seen it so black. they also mentioned that the infection was probably passed to her at birth from me, and might even be due to the big diapers she was wearing. they asked us to get diapers for micro preemies. i can never understand why hospitals wouldn't have diapers for micro preemies....
anyway... Minzy's right arm was free from needles finally. i could finally see her little hands and fingers. it was so, so cute. she was moving her right arm and right leg (we wondered if her left side was ok as she was mainly moving her right arm and leg), as well as her little fingers. i desperately want to put my finger in her hands so she could hold it, but the nurses were the only ones who were able to touch her so freely. it was the first time her right arm was free of tape.
she opened her right eye ever so slightly while i was there and i was sure i saw a very tiny teardrop when she closed it again. was she in pain? was she sad? did she know her sisters left in the morning? it was so heartbreaking for me. i wanted to hold her and tell her it's ok... my brave child. i'm here. mommy's here. but she won't hear me. and i couldn't touch her.
that night, we placed Kinzy and Linzy's ashes in the urn and put the babies in our room, atop the airdresser. we would sleep with them till we find their burial site.
Wednesday, May 20, 2020
Delayed cremation
20 May
Nampyeon woke up in the wee hours to turn on the air con and bed warmer in our room. He wanted chance for us to sleep with the babies, in our main bed room. But it was already pump time by then and we had to leave house past 930 for the cremation, and i wasn't falling asleep again after i was woken up. 'It's ok,' he said 'they will at least be able to view their parent's room.
before leaving the house, i went to touch Kinzy and Linzy's head for the first time. As expected, the bodies were hard, but it was still human skin. Linzy's face was smooth and felt like a real baby to the touch. i longed to carry and kiss her but i was afraid i would mess up her clothes or break her arms... they were just too fragile.
we packed and got to the cremation grounds. there was another funeral going on and a huge crowd there. someone cried in front of the coffin box badly. i was so affected i tried to control my tears. we were marching through with 2 little coffins. i'm sure everyone could figure out that they weren't just normal boxes.
as usual, nothing ever goes according to plan. the person in charge told us that there was a problem with Linzy's name. it was registered as baby 2 in the death certificate, but since we registered her birth with an actual name, the 2 names should be matching. they would not cremate her and we had to bring both of them back home in the end.
my mind was too blank to think of anything. nampyeon had to go back to the hospital again to retrieve the correct death certificate for Linzy. we would have to take care of our babies for another few days.
proceeding with the funeral was so agonizing. just yesterday, we were supposed to receive our urn for the ashes but both the seller and the delivery person didn't know where the package was and nampyeon had to keep calling the both of them to insist that we needed the urn by yesterday. the seller eventually made a new one for us and dispatched it to us that night, and much to our surprise, the other urn that we had ordered had actually reached us yesterday as well, but we wondered why no one knew.
this was the 2nd time the cremation was delayed - first it was due to my sudden breastfeeding, and then it was because of my english names, and now it's because of the names on the death cert. i guess heaven wants me to spend more time with Kinzy and Linzy.
we went home and placed them in the fridge again. it was not a great place to be again, and nampyeon tried to place ice packs and dehumidifier inside to delay the decay, as they were already starting to change. hopefully they will remain fine till their cremation day. i noticed that there was a syringe with my breastmilk inside and nampyeon said it was for them to taste before they were cremated. he had switched on lullabies for them while they were in the fridge so they wouldn't be too lonely there. i was surprised at how thoughtful nampyeon was. i guess i won't have to worry about my corpse when i pass on.
we had chatted previously about when we would pass away, and nampyeon wanted a combined burial with me and our babies. i love the idea. at least we wouldn't be lonely when we had to go, he was already looking into family burial site, when he searched for one for our babies. the urn that he had bought prevented decay of the skeletal remains via removal of air inside and replacement with nitrogen. it was about 800+ sgd and nampyeon says that we could place our remains inside, together with Kinzy and Linzy later on. hopefully Minzy won't have to be with us, if she eventually grows up and starts her own family. he even joked about whether anyone would help put us together inside when we passed on. even if we don't have kids to help us... we could always get a lawyer to help i guess.
when nampyeon left for the hospital, i started to cry again. he hugged me before leaving and told me he loves me. i felt so bad he had to see me in tears because i know he hurt too. and i didn't want him to hurt. there were times i had sudden bouts of tears flowing out but i quickly wiped them off when i knew nampyeon is near. i don't want him to see me suffering and thinking that he can't do anything about it again. it really wasn't his fault he has to deal with such an emotional wife. it has been so long since he last blogged and i just happen to see it. i'm so sorry my love. i do want us to be happy from now on. i want to try and let go and be stronger. i know that he knows, whenever he holds my head and hug me. whenever he holds my hand when we sleep. whenever he tells me he loves me. i guess writing these blog posts reminded me of my pain again. i hope it will eventually be a way out - to write about my pain to relieve myself, instead of burdening people with my pain. this blog has almost no viewership so it is actually quite the perfect place.
i hope that if people with the same pain happen to see my posts, they would feel encouraged when i get well again. they would know that they are not the only ones who had to lose their babies, after being blessed with the initial good news. they are not the only ones cursed with bad pregnancy. if they have early contractions or preterm babies, they would know what they had to go through.
life just has a strange way of presenting obstacles and i just have to get through this. i've always told myself that pain is always temporary. perhaps it hurt just for the 2 seconds when the needle goes in, but after 3seconds, the pain is no longer there. because it's temporary, you just have to get through it and win it. it's not a 2 seconds pain for me now. it might be 2 weeks, 2 months, but i will get through it. the lullaby plays downstairs but when it's over, perhaps my tears will stop too. i'm willing it.
Nampyeon woke up in the wee hours to turn on the air con and bed warmer in our room. He wanted chance for us to sleep with the babies, in our main bed room. But it was already pump time by then and we had to leave house past 930 for the cremation, and i wasn't falling asleep again after i was woken up. 'It's ok,' he said 'they will at least be able to view their parent's room.
before leaving the house, i went to touch Kinzy and Linzy's head for the first time. As expected, the bodies were hard, but it was still human skin. Linzy's face was smooth and felt like a real baby to the touch. i longed to carry and kiss her but i was afraid i would mess up her clothes or break her arms... they were just too fragile.
we packed and got to the cremation grounds. there was another funeral going on and a huge crowd there. someone cried in front of the coffin box badly. i was so affected i tried to control my tears. we were marching through with 2 little coffins. i'm sure everyone could figure out that they weren't just normal boxes.
as usual, nothing ever goes according to plan. the person in charge told us that there was a problem with Linzy's name. it was registered as baby 2 in the death certificate, but since we registered her birth with an actual name, the 2 names should be matching. they would not cremate her and we had to bring both of them back home in the end.
my mind was too blank to think of anything. nampyeon had to go back to the hospital again to retrieve the correct death certificate for Linzy. we would have to take care of our babies for another few days.
proceeding with the funeral was so agonizing. just yesterday, we were supposed to receive our urn for the ashes but both the seller and the delivery person didn't know where the package was and nampyeon had to keep calling the both of them to insist that we needed the urn by yesterday. the seller eventually made a new one for us and dispatched it to us that night, and much to our surprise, the other urn that we had ordered had actually reached us yesterday as well, but we wondered why no one knew.
this was the 2nd time the cremation was delayed - first it was due to my sudden breastfeeding, and then it was because of my english names, and now it's because of the names on the death cert. i guess heaven wants me to spend more time with Kinzy and Linzy.
we went home and placed them in the fridge again. it was not a great place to be again, and nampyeon tried to place ice packs and dehumidifier inside to delay the decay, as they were already starting to change. hopefully they will remain fine till their cremation day. i noticed that there was a syringe with my breastmilk inside and nampyeon said it was for them to taste before they were cremated. he had switched on lullabies for them while they were in the fridge so they wouldn't be too lonely there. i was surprised at how thoughtful nampyeon was. i guess i won't have to worry about my corpse when i pass on.
we had chatted previously about when we would pass away, and nampyeon wanted a combined burial with me and our babies. i love the idea. at least we wouldn't be lonely when we had to go, he was already looking into family burial site, when he searched for one for our babies. the urn that he had bought prevented decay of the skeletal remains via removal of air inside and replacement with nitrogen. it was about 800+ sgd and nampyeon says that we could place our remains inside, together with Kinzy and Linzy later on. hopefully Minzy won't have to be with us, if she eventually grows up and starts her own family. he even joked about whether anyone would help put us together inside when we passed on. even if we don't have kids to help us... we could always get a lawyer to help i guess.
when nampyeon left for the hospital, i started to cry again. he hugged me before leaving and told me he loves me. i felt so bad he had to see me in tears because i know he hurt too. and i didn't want him to hurt. there were times i had sudden bouts of tears flowing out but i quickly wiped them off when i knew nampyeon is near. i don't want him to see me suffering and thinking that he can't do anything about it again. it really wasn't his fault he has to deal with such an emotional wife. it has been so long since he last blogged and i just happen to see it. i'm so sorry my love. i do want us to be happy from now on. i want to try and let go and be stronger. i know that he knows, whenever he holds my head and hug me. whenever he holds my hand when we sleep. whenever he tells me he loves me. i guess writing these blog posts reminded me of my pain again. i hope it will eventually be a way out - to write about my pain to relieve myself, instead of burdening people with my pain. this blog has almost no viewership so it is actually quite the perfect place.
i hope that if people with the same pain happen to see my posts, they would feel encouraged when i get well again. they would know that they are not the only ones who had to lose their babies, after being blessed with the initial good news. they are not the only ones cursed with bad pregnancy. if they have early contractions or preterm babies, they would know what they had to go through.
life just has a strange way of presenting obstacles and i just have to get through this. i've always told myself that pain is always temporary. perhaps it hurt just for the 2 seconds when the needle goes in, but after 3seconds, the pain is no longer there. because it's temporary, you just have to get through it and win it. it's not a 2 seconds pain for me now. it might be 2 weeks, 2 months, but i will get through it. the lullaby plays downstairs but when it's over, perhaps my tears will stop too. i'm willing it.
Tuesday, May 19, 2020
A hoard of bad news
19 May
My boobs were hurting, so we made another trip to Oketani that day at 10am. Turns out there was an appointment with the professor in charge of NICU matters, so we quickly got over as soon as we were done, at 1130am.
The following news that came was not pleasing. Minzy doesn't seem to be doing so well. There is an enlarged blood vessel that was supposed to close up upon delivery that connects to the lungs, but doesn't due to preterm birth. It is said to be a common issue with preterm babies. It causes blood to be delivered more than usual, with the excess flowing into the lungs. The solution was to treat it with antibiotics/drugs in the hopes it will close up by itself, but the first round hasn't been successful and has caused much stress to the body. This is also linked to the bleeding in brain. At this stage, the bleeding is not considered mild, but may have a 50% chance of Minzy having slow development issues later on. Upon verification, nampyeon seems to have asked if it will affect the intelligence, but the prof affirmed that it will more likely affect the muscle movements. If the artery doesn't close up, surgery will have to be performed.
We weren't so worried about the scar from the surgery (it will definitely leave a very big one across the back). I'm actually more worried if Minzy will have a normal life later on from the brain hemorrhage. I wondered if it was too much to beg her not to go.
After the update, I went over to see Minzy for our once a week visit. I was finally able to see her clearly with the humidity gone. She had drips on her right hand and it was bundled so much you can't see her palm. A heartbeat monitor was attached to her right waist, and her left hand. The nurse came by to inject breastmilk into the feeding tube down her mouth and occasionally she would move her tongue, as if drinking the milk. She has a newly punctured IV on her left leg and i could see a blot of blood on it. Her eye cast has been removed and she frowned so slightly when the nurse proceeded to measure her stomach and change her diapers. She has a small mass of wire attached to her tummy as well. I'm not sure what that was. She waved her right hand up and down. How could she move that hand when it was so bundled, and punctured with IV.
I was so beyond grief I started to cry. How could this little body be able to tolerate all the drips and tubes. 2 IV drips, changeable every 3-4days. Not being able to move. Forced to sleep the whole day. Blood drawn out of the lungs. Antibiotics feeding. Stress on the body. Pain whenever the nurse touches her. And what if she has to go through surgery, at 490g? How could she take it? I went through the same hell, at a notch lower, and 1 month was all I could endure. She doesn't even have anyone around her. I had nampyeon all the time. How could a little baby be so strong. So strong, but so painful to see that I hated myself so much. Will Minzy ever get out of this hell..?
Another nurse came by to take her x-ray and I left the room. Blood was draining from my face and I felt slightly faintish. I went to the waiting room, and swapped with nampyeon since only one guardian could go in at a time. i hugged nampyeon and i couldn't stop crying. it was so hard to control my tears. but nampyeon had to see Minzy so i let go. i told him to take photos because i couldn't. i want to remember Minzy's pain. i want to remind myself that i caused this.
We skipped lunch since i barely have any appetite and collected Kinzy and Linzy. i was suddenly wide awake when i saw the bill. 8days in the morgue and it amounted to about 700+sgd. the fees for 'taking care' of bodies were much higher than live ones. i was almost amused at this odd turnout.
We reached home about 3pm, and i was long overdue for pumping since the last time i did was at oketani, at 10am. my boobs were hurting. but nampyeon and i managed to rest Kinzy and Linzy in our kimchi fridge before i started pumping. it was a weird place to deposit them but it had a fair share of space and was colder than our room would be. we would take them out to sleep in our rooms later in the night.
my mother-in-law had bought ribs and eunhwasam chef prepared about 9person's share of calbi stew for both me and nampyeon. i knew i would cry if someone told me it's ok and i did after my meal, when my MIL reached out to console me again. When my FIL came in and i saw him for the first time since i got discharged, i couldn't help but be reminded of my despair again and my tears just wouldn't stop. i felt like such a wuss but it was just so hard to control. everyone was telling me that i needed to recuperate faster and stop crying, that it was ok because i am still young. but they don't know the guilt i felt inside because i caused the death of my babies. it wasn't ok, i wasn't ok.
i went upstairs while my MIL and sister-in-law chatted with FIL for a bit. i needed to stop crying and be stronger. it wouldn't change anything even if i kept crying.
Nampyeon came up to talk to me and i poured out my worries. what if we were making a mistake trying to keep Minzy alive? nampyeon told me that if he was Minzy born disabled, he would still want to keep living. perhaps this is Minzy now - she wanted to live even when she's subjected to the pain. but what if Minzy can never be a normal child like others - will she still be happy? nampyeon said that disabled people who were born with disabilities don't really know what they have lost since they have never had it. On the other hand, if you had your hands and legs when you were born and they were taken from you - that's when you know what you lost and you would be much more unhappy than people who were born without it. As long as Minzy's intelligence remains intact, it doesn't matter if she has muscle problems - all she needs to be is happy afterwards. As parents, we might look at her with pain at every step, but as Minzy, she would still want to fight for her life. it would be too cruel to give up on her right now - we will just have to leave it to her and help her fight for her right to life. there's just another week till we have a more definite conclusion on what her long-term repercussions would be, so we shouldn't worry about it for now.
at around 1230am after our 2nd bedroom was cold enough we took Kinzy and Linzy upstairs. i dressed them in the fairy dresses i made and we played a neverending loop of baby lullabies to them.
it would be the first and last time i was mothering my babies. they felt rubbery and limp through my disposable gloves. Linzy had a certain weight to her head. when i unfolded Linzy she was actually wrapped with a small baby yukata and had a little diaper on her. she had small eyes, lips and nose and she actually resembled me. Kinzy lost so much liquid she was almost flat. i hurt, but i controlled myself and we even managed to take pictures with them.
my husband placed ice packs around to lower the temperature in the hopes they would decay slower, and we left the lullabies for them to accompany them through the night. the cremation was due the next day.
My boobs were hurting, so we made another trip to Oketani that day at 10am. Turns out there was an appointment with the professor in charge of NICU matters, so we quickly got over as soon as we were done, at 1130am.
The following news that came was not pleasing. Minzy doesn't seem to be doing so well. There is an enlarged blood vessel that was supposed to close up upon delivery that connects to the lungs, but doesn't due to preterm birth. It is said to be a common issue with preterm babies. It causes blood to be delivered more than usual, with the excess flowing into the lungs. The solution was to treat it with antibiotics/drugs in the hopes it will close up by itself, but the first round hasn't been successful and has caused much stress to the body. This is also linked to the bleeding in brain. At this stage, the bleeding is not considered mild, but may have a 50% chance of Minzy having slow development issues later on. Upon verification, nampyeon seems to have asked if it will affect the intelligence, but the prof affirmed that it will more likely affect the muscle movements. If the artery doesn't close up, surgery will have to be performed.
We weren't so worried about the scar from the surgery (it will definitely leave a very big one across the back). I'm actually more worried if Minzy will have a normal life later on from the brain hemorrhage. I wondered if it was too much to beg her not to go.
After the update, I went over to see Minzy for our once a week visit. I was finally able to see her clearly with the humidity gone. She had drips on her right hand and it was bundled so much you can't see her palm. A heartbeat monitor was attached to her right waist, and her left hand. The nurse came by to inject breastmilk into the feeding tube down her mouth and occasionally she would move her tongue, as if drinking the milk. She has a newly punctured IV on her left leg and i could see a blot of blood on it. Her eye cast has been removed and she frowned so slightly when the nurse proceeded to measure her stomach and change her diapers. She has a small mass of wire attached to her tummy as well. I'm not sure what that was. She waved her right hand up and down. How could she move that hand when it was so bundled, and punctured with IV.
I was so beyond grief I started to cry. How could this little body be able to tolerate all the drips and tubes. 2 IV drips, changeable every 3-4days. Not being able to move. Forced to sleep the whole day. Blood drawn out of the lungs. Antibiotics feeding. Stress on the body. Pain whenever the nurse touches her. And what if she has to go through surgery, at 490g? How could she take it? I went through the same hell, at a notch lower, and 1 month was all I could endure. She doesn't even have anyone around her. I had nampyeon all the time. How could a little baby be so strong. So strong, but so painful to see that I hated myself so much. Will Minzy ever get out of this hell..?
Another nurse came by to take her x-ray and I left the room. Blood was draining from my face and I felt slightly faintish. I went to the waiting room, and swapped with nampyeon since only one guardian could go in at a time. i hugged nampyeon and i couldn't stop crying. it was so hard to control my tears. but nampyeon had to see Minzy so i let go. i told him to take photos because i couldn't. i want to remember Minzy's pain. i want to remind myself that i caused this.
We skipped lunch since i barely have any appetite and collected Kinzy and Linzy. i was suddenly wide awake when i saw the bill. 8days in the morgue and it amounted to about 700+sgd. the fees for 'taking care' of bodies were much higher than live ones. i was almost amused at this odd turnout.
We reached home about 3pm, and i was long overdue for pumping since the last time i did was at oketani, at 10am. my boobs were hurting. but nampyeon and i managed to rest Kinzy and Linzy in our kimchi fridge before i started pumping. it was a weird place to deposit them but it had a fair share of space and was colder than our room would be. we would take them out to sleep in our rooms later in the night.
my mother-in-law had bought ribs and eunhwasam chef prepared about 9person's share of calbi stew for both me and nampyeon. i knew i would cry if someone told me it's ok and i did after my meal, when my MIL reached out to console me again. When my FIL came in and i saw him for the first time since i got discharged, i couldn't help but be reminded of my despair again and my tears just wouldn't stop. i felt like such a wuss but it was just so hard to control. everyone was telling me that i needed to recuperate faster and stop crying, that it was ok because i am still young. but they don't know the guilt i felt inside because i caused the death of my babies. it wasn't ok, i wasn't ok.
i went upstairs while my MIL and sister-in-law chatted with FIL for a bit. i needed to stop crying and be stronger. it wouldn't change anything even if i kept crying.
Nampyeon came up to talk to me and i poured out my worries. what if we were making a mistake trying to keep Minzy alive? nampyeon told me that if he was Minzy born disabled, he would still want to keep living. perhaps this is Minzy now - she wanted to live even when she's subjected to the pain. but what if Minzy can never be a normal child like others - will she still be happy? nampyeon said that disabled people who were born with disabilities don't really know what they have lost since they have never had it. On the other hand, if you had your hands and legs when you were born and they were taken from you - that's when you know what you lost and you would be much more unhappy than people who were born without it. As long as Minzy's intelligence remains intact, it doesn't matter if she has muscle problems - all she needs to be is happy afterwards. As parents, we might look at her with pain at every step, but as Minzy, she would still want to fight for her life. it would be too cruel to give up on her right now - we will just have to leave it to her and help her fight for her right to life. there's just another week till we have a more definite conclusion on what her long-term repercussions would be, so we shouldn't worry about it for now.
at around 1230am after our 2nd bedroom was cold enough we took Kinzy and Linzy upstairs. i dressed them in the fairy dresses i made and we played a neverending loop of baby lullabies to them.
it would be the first and last time i was mothering my babies. they felt rubbery and limp through my disposable gloves. Linzy had a certain weight to her head. when i unfolded Linzy she was actually wrapped with a small baby yukata and had a little diaper on her. she had small eyes, lips and nose and she actually resembled me. Kinzy lost so much liquid she was almost flat. i hurt, but i controlled myself and we even managed to take pictures with them.
my husband placed ice packs around to lower the temperature in the hopes they would decay slower, and we left the lullabies for them to accompany them through the night. the cremation was due the next day.