4 May
Finally got to do a proper ultrasound for once. The doctors checked the length and weight of
growth of each baby and then told me that i seem to have a lot of waters (yang shui) in me, that
might have been causing the incessant contractions. They suggested to remove it via a needle,
but it would be done next week after some monitoring. I was sent back to my ward, but the
nurses suddenly told me that the doc wanted to see nampyeon separately.
Unfortunately nampyeon was out on an errand but he would try to get back before 5pm to see
the doc. Since it was a PH tomorrow, the doc highly insisted nampyeon to see her today.
As they say... it isn't always a good thing if your doc wants to see your guardian separately. And
true enough, when nampyeon came back he told me that our twins were experiencing TTTS and
we will need to move hospital the next day. There was only 2 doctors in Seoul who could treat it
and we should do it fast.
Showing posts with label bundang SNUH. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bundang SNUH. Show all posts
Monday, May 04, 2020
Friday, May 01, 2020
Leaking waters and blood
28 Apr
My eyelids were heavy throughout the day due to lack of sleep. The good thing was the latched pain on my rib suddenly disappearing and my nose unblocking miraculously. I was able to have much better sleep that day, though the trembles continue.
29 Apr
Doctor decided i could be put off Lavobar since i wasn't feeling the contractions anymore. The truth is there were probably contractions but it was too mild to notice and i just can't be bothered to track considering i was able to sleep properly for once. But i knew that when i touched my tummy, it was frequently hard - a clear sign of contraction.
I enjoyed my freedom from the med for only a few hours before i felt the waters drizzling out again, and the contractions started around 5pm. I was sent to be checked - I've never had so many things stuck up my vagina before. First it was some metal scoop (to see if cervix opened or if there's clots or stuff inside) then it was the internal ultrasound (to check length) and finally the fingers (to check cervix dilation). My cervix length was greatly reduced. The doctor didn't say exactly how much but I saw from the Ultrasound screen it was 0.98cm. They didn't say if it was bad or not but a simple google search tells me it's bad. The only thing i can do is to control my contractions now... I began to regret my earlier consent to take off Lavobar just for that few hrs of freedom. This time neither 32ml of Lavobar nor Magnesium Sulfate could save me. After 2hrs of being dripped with Lavobar then Mg, i was still feeling the contractions, altho the interval seems to have increased just very slightly. The doctor asked if i was able to sleep with this feeling - i said yes and i was returned to my ward with Mg drip at 50ml. Actually, my contractions weren't the issue. My leg was so bloated and numbed and my hands burned (side effects of Mg). I still had accelerated heartbeat and i was trembling from 32ml of Lavobar - those were way more distracting than the contractions. God forbid i ever try to steal a few hrs of freedom again.
That night, my contractions didn't stop and i kept leaking waters. Strangely i was peeing every 1-2hrs (Mg actually makes you want to pee less thus the necessity to monitor urine outflow), more frequent than usual. My pee kept waking me up in the night and it was coupled with watery poo (effect from the constipation med given or the drips). I had to wipe so badly each time i wish they could install a bidet. By this time i had alr given up measuring my urine amounts since i could somehow estimate the amount roughly. Can you imagine having to clean the measuring containers everytime you pee, and if there's poop it will be worse!??!? Nope, not gonna sacrifice my sleep for that....
30 Apr
I have leaked waters that can soak roughly a whole standard pad. It came out quite consistently, but the amount wasn't huge. The contractions didn't stop. However it seems that the nurses were unfazed as long as i wasn't leaking a huge chunk or having blood in my urine. I was weighed in the morning - a whopping 60kg!! That's about 7kg in 1 week since i came here?? Not sure whether it was good or not. I had my blood drawn again and my IV drips were all shifted to my left hand now. It seems better this way than to have both hands paralysed.
1 May
I started to see blood in my discharge.
It wasn't a lot but it was a little mass of blood clot found on my pad. Alerted the nurse and they said to let them know if it gets worse. From then on, about 2 or 3 droplets of fresh blood would appear in my discharge. Since it wasn't a continuous trickle it seems to be of no issue.
My eyelids were heavy throughout the day due to lack of sleep. The good thing was the latched pain on my rib suddenly disappearing and my nose unblocking miraculously. I was able to have much better sleep that day, though the trembles continue.
29 Apr
Doctor decided i could be put off Lavobar since i wasn't feeling the contractions anymore. The truth is there were probably contractions but it was too mild to notice and i just can't be bothered to track considering i was able to sleep properly for once. But i knew that when i touched my tummy, it was frequently hard - a clear sign of contraction.
I enjoyed my freedom from the med for only a few hours before i felt the waters drizzling out again, and the contractions started around 5pm. I was sent to be checked - I've never had so many things stuck up my vagina before. First it was some metal scoop (to see if cervix opened or if there's clots or stuff inside) then it was the internal ultrasound (to check length) and finally the fingers (to check cervix dilation). My cervix length was greatly reduced. The doctor didn't say exactly how much but I saw from the Ultrasound screen it was 0.98cm. They didn't say if it was bad or not but a simple google search tells me it's bad. The only thing i can do is to control my contractions now... I began to regret my earlier consent to take off Lavobar just for that few hrs of freedom. This time neither 32ml of Lavobar nor Magnesium Sulfate could save me. After 2hrs of being dripped with Lavobar then Mg, i was still feeling the contractions, altho the interval seems to have increased just very slightly. The doctor asked if i was able to sleep with this feeling - i said yes and i was returned to my ward with Mg drip at 50ml. Actually, my contractions weren't the issue. My leg was so bloated and numbed and my hands burned (side effects of Mg). I still had accelerated heartbeat and i was trembling from 32ml of Lavobar - those were way more distracting than the contractions. God forbid i ever try to steal a few hrs of freedom again.
That night, my contractions didn't stop and i kept leaking waters. Strangely i was peeing every 1-2hrs (Mg actually makes you want to pee less thus the necessity to monitor urine outflow), more frequent than usual. My pee kept waking me up in the night and it was coupled with watery poo (effect from the constipation med given or the drips). I had to wipe so badly each time i wish they could install a bidet. By this time i had alr given up measuring my urine amounts since i could somehow estimate the amount roughly. Can you imagine having to clean the measuring containers everytime you pee, and if there's poop it will be worse!??!? Nope, not gonna sacrifice my sleep for that....
30 Apr
I have leaked waters that can soak roughly a whole standard pad. It came out quite consistently, but the amount wasn't huge. The contractions didn't stop. However it seems that the nurses were unfazed as long as i wasn't leaking a huge chunk or having blood in my urine. I was weighed in the morning - a whopping 60kg!! That's about 7kg in 1 week since i came here?? Not sure whether it was good or not. I had my blood drawn again and my IV drips were all shifted to my left hand now. It seems better this way than to have both hands paralysed.
1 May
I started to see blood in my discharge.
It wasn't a lot but it was a little mass of blood clot found on my pad. Alerted the nurse and they said to let them know if it gets worse. From then on, about 2 or 3 droplets of fresh blood would appear in my discharge. Since it wasn't a continuous trickle it seems to be of no issue.
Monday, April 27, 2020
Returning grief
It was week 22.
I couldn't sleep the whole night as my nose was clogged. I could barely notice the contractions going on since they were mild but i was pretty sure they were quite frequent. The doctors decided to take off my Magnesium sulfate iv drip since my contractions were irregular. While doing that they took a sample of my blood for a regular blood test from my feet (they couldn't draw it from my hands since both had drips and it would be inaccurate), then poked a new hole on my right arm to replace the 4days old hole on the left. I went to relieve myself and noticed a slight brown spotting but just went back to bed since it didn't seem serious.
After finally being able to sleep for about an hr, i felt something warm gushing from the underside. I got up and went to the toilet to check to find that my whole panty liner was soaked with brown discharge. I called the nurse from the toilet and they came to pick me up in a wheelchair and sent me to the delivery room to check. I had an internal ultrasound scan and the doc told me it was the waters from our first baby. I told her my contractions were getting regular but she sent me back to the ward and said to keep monitoring the water breakage. I was dripped with lavobar to stall the contractions but i was uneasy with the lack of information on my status. Thank goodness my doctor came to clarify with us about an hr later and told us that it was normal for the waters to break and the twins were not affected in any other way, nor was my cervix length. She also said that there may be blood discharge or i may see skin and even parts of the baby coming out but since my contractions were not painful wouldn't need to worry about the twins coming out anytime soon. I was put on 16ml of Lavobar to control the contractions.
I thought i was over my lost baby but suddenly all the emotions kept coming back to me. Was i going to see my lost child in 1 piece at the end? Was it going to keep decomposing inside? I felt painful when i think about how the baby must have felt inside when it was living its last moments and began tearing.
I had the hardest night that day after I moved to this ward. Coupled with the returning grief, i was unable to breathe properly as though something was latched on my right rib. My nose was stuck due to the dry air and dried blood inside. I was trembling and my heart was racing due to the drip. I probably only slept 1 hr because everytime i felt like i was falling asleep, i needed to pee and i had to go through the whole getting myself to sleep phase again.
I couldn't sleep the whole night as my nose was clogged. I could barely notice the contractions going on since they were mild but i was pretty sure they were quite frequent. The doctors decided to take off my Magnesium sulfate iv drip since my contractions were irregular. While doing that they took a sample of my blood for a regular blood test from my feet (they couldn't draw it from my hands since both had drips and it would be inaccurate), then poked a new hole on my right arm to replace the 4days old hole on the left. I went to relieve myself and noticed a slight brown spotting but just went back to bed since it didn't seem serious.
After finally being able to sleep for about an hr, i felt something warm gushing from the underside. I got up and went to the toilet to check to find that my whole panty liner was soaked with brown discharge. I called the nurse from the toilet and they came to pick me up in a wheelchair and sent me to the delivery room to check. I had an internal ultrasound scan and the doc told me it was the waters from our first baby. I told her my contractions were getting regular but she sent me back to the ward and said to keep monitoring the water breakage. I was dripped with lavobar to stall the contractions but i was uneasy with the lack of information on my status. Thank goodness my doctor came to clarify with us about an hr later and told us that it was normal for the waters to break and the twins were not affected in any other way, nor was my cervix length. She also said that there may be blood discharge or i may see skin and even parts of the baby coming out but since my contractions were not painful wouldn't need to worry about the twins coming out anytime soon. I was put on 16ml of Lavobar to control the contractions.
I thought i was over my lost baby but suddenly all the emotions kept coming back to me. Was i going to see my lost child in 1 piece at the end? Was it going to keep decomposing inside? I felt painful when i think about how the baby must have felt inside when it was living its last moments and began tearing.
I had the hardest night that day after I moved to this ward. Coupled with the returning grief, i was unable to breathe properly as though something was latched on my right rib. My nose was stuck due to the dry air and dried blood inside. I was trembling and my heart was racing due to the drip. I probably only slept 1 hr because everytime i felt like i was falling asleep, i needed to pee and i had to go through the whole getting myself to sleep phase again.
Sunday, April 26, 2020
Settling down
23 - 26 Apr
The next few days were repetitive. I was on drips but i wasn't sad anymore. I was able to laugh and talk with the nurses and i thought my pain had been driven away. I was able to forget about my lost child and i didn't cry for a long time. One of the nurses said that she was surprised that i was cheery because they had been told that i had a weak heart. Sure, the nurses screwed up a few times with the mistakes made in my needle change but i was unfazed.
I had clogged nose and nosebleeds but it was bearable. I was also swelling like a balloon with all the drips, unable to move comfortably around.
There was a day when I couldn't pass motion properly and the sides of my stomach hurt. The doctors found accumulated waters inside via ultrasound but they sent me for MRI as they suspected appendicitis inflammation. It actually got better after I was able to pass motion but i still went through the scanning just to have a peace of mind. Thankfully, nothing was found but we had to pay about 450 for the scan. it was a momentary scare but everything was fine eventually and the pain didn't come back again.
Anyways, i had nampyeon with me, good food, great environment and i was happy for a while. I appreciated the medical system they had here which allowed me to view my schedule, my hospitalization costs, my blood test results and i could even pick my food for the next day. I grew to like the place.
The initialization page. you can scan the wrist tag to log in conveniently (via NFC).
Picking my food for the next day
All the medicine I was given for the day
My blood test results
Hospitalization expenses to-date
I love how they had a variety of food and gave drinks in many of the meals. I was finally able to break free of korean food and have bread for breakfast!
I was growing and with all the swelling, I was slowly putting on weight again. There were still times when I didn't have much appetite and I could barely finish half of what was served for every meal, but at least I ate for the most part.
Additionally, nampyeon was there by my side. he'd shave apples for me. he'd help my my stay comfortable by bringing pillows for me. he would set up monitors so i could stream shows to watch. he'll put lotions on my cracked legs and arms. he'd bathed me because i wasn't able to do so with my hands in IV drips, and he'll lift me up whenever I need the loo, and i went so very often (every 2hrs or less). he'll buy snacks for me, order pizza, toast and stuff. he'd tell me he loves me everyday and give me hugs. everything he did was the reason i was so reliant on him. i came to realise that he was genuinely caring about me and nothing else, and i was so, so grateful everyday i married the right man. through pregnancy, you can really see a man for what he is. sure, sometimes he'd be a jerk and disappear but i know now that he just has a different way of relieving his stress. i love him and he was my only source of comfort. i can't imagine being in the ward without him anymore.
Staring at the same ceiling wasn't so bad after all. but peace didn't last very long, as usual.
The next few days were repetitive. I was on drips but i wasn't sad anymore. I was able to laugh and talk with the nurses and i thought my pain had been driven away. I was able to forget about my lost child and i didn't cry for a long time. One of the nurses said that she was surprised that i was cheery because they had been told that i had a weak heart. Sure, the nurses screwed up a few times with the mistakes made in my needle change but i was unfazed.
I had clogged nose and nosebleeds but it was bearable. I was also swelling like a balloon with all the drips, unable to move comfortably around.
There was a day when I couldn't pass motion properly and the sides of my stomach hurt. The doctors found accumulated waters inside via ultrasound but they sent me for MRI as they suspected appendicitis inflammation. It actually got better after I was able to pass motion but i still went through the scanning just to have a peace of mind. Thankfully, nothing was found but we had to pay about 450 for the scan. it was a momentary scare but everything was fine eventually and the pain didn't come back again.
Anyways, i had nampyeon with me, good food, great environment and i was happy for a while. I appreciated the medical system they had here which allowed me to view my schedule, my hospitalization costs, my blood test results and i could even pick my food for the next day. I grew to like the place.
The initialization page. you can scan the wrist tag to log in conveniently (via NFC).
Picking my food for the next day
All the medicine I was given for the day
My blood test results
Hospitalization expenses to-date
I love how they had a variety of food and gave drinks in many of the meals. I was finally able to break free of korean food and have bread for breakfast!
I was growing and with all the swelling, I was slowly putting on weight again. There were still times when I didn't have much appetite and I could barely finish half of what was served for every meal, but at least I ate for the most part.
Additionally, nampyeon was there by my side. he'd shave apples for me. he'd help my my stay comfortable by bringing pillows for me. he would set up monitors so i could stream shows to watch. he'll put lotions on my cracked legs and arms. he'd bathed me because i wasn't able to do so with my hands in IV drips, and he'll lift me up whenever I need the loo, and i went so very often (every 2hrs or less). he'll buy snacks for me, order pizza, toast and stuff. he'd tell me he loves me everyday and give me hugs. everything he did was the reason i was so reliant on him. i came to realise that he was genuinely caring about me and nothing else, and i was so, so grateful everyday i married the right man. through pregnancy, you can really see a man for what he is. sure, sometimes he'd be a jerk and disappear but i know now that he just has a different way of relieving his stress. i love him and he was my only source of comfort. i can't imagine being in the ward without him anymore.
Staring at the same ceiling wasn't so bad after all. but peace didn't last very long, as usual.
Wednesday, April 22, 2020
In isolation
Being mentally broken and unable to think straight i begged the doctor to let me go home.
They had come in and told me the contractions might be happening due to my first loss, but
the twins had no intention of coming out and i shouldn't be worried. At that point of time i
really believed that my emotional torture might have aggravated my contractions. I called
nampyeon and begged him to take me out of this hell, and assured him there would be a higher
probability of me lasting till wk 25 at home than in this hell. I couldn't make a solid assessment,
i was so wallowed in self pity i began blaming my twins for causing this. They took my first
baby's life away and i was standing on a thin eggshell now. I couldn't find a reason for myself to
keep holding on.
That day, nampyeon came in for the daily visit and gave me a wake-up call. I was gonna be shifted to a normal ward where there was no restrictions on visitors. However he warned me that it would be more dangerous since people would be flowing in and out, and i wouldn't have the detailed care i was supposed to get in this high risk ward. Tbh i didn't really care that i was whining like a child. Nampyeon told me that i wasn't the only one alone in this ward - there were several other mothers who were there without support as well. I came to realise just what a weak-ass i was and felt ashamed. If the other moms could do it, why couldn't i? Why did i have to drag nampyeon into my woes too when i should have handled it myself? I was suddenly afraid that nampyeon would see me as a baggage and i thought maybe it would be best to remain in the high risk ward after all. But I also knew that i couldn't do it because the loss of our first bothered me so much i didn't have the mental capacity to think properly anymore. i just wasn't strong enough.
It was too late anyway. I was arranged to switch ward and another mom's name had been placed on my quarters. I regretted a while. There was a nurse who consoled and gave me solace at this ward, and tried to make my stay comfortable while i was deep in wallow. She hugged me and told me i would be welcome back anytime.
We were first allocated to a 5person ward which seemed messy and crowded. Thankfully the 2 person ward was cleared at the same time so i moved there instead. I had a nice window view with a broad corner. There was a even a monitor with tv programs and information on myself (my schedule, medicine, food, test results etc). Nampyeon couod sleep on the pull-up chair beside me. For the first time in a while i could actually smile. I felt relieved and comfortable and no longer stressed about being alone and subjected to all the pains. I could even pick what i want to eat for all my subsequent meals through the monitor's health system. I actually was relieved that in spite of my clouded view i made the decision to move. The doctors came later on and noticed that i was much brighter and didn't insist on getting discharged. I finally felt like i was able to recuperate better here now.
That day, nampyeon came in for the daily visit and gave me a wake-up call. I was gonna be shifted to a normal ward where there was no restrictions on visitors. However he warned me that it would be more dangerous since people would be flowing in and out, and i wouldn't have the detailed care i was supposed to get in this high risk ward. Tbh i didn't really care that i was whining like a child. Nampyeon told me that i wasn't the only one alone in this ward - there were several other mothers who were there without support as well. I came to realise just what a weak-ass i was and felt ashamed. If the other moms could do it, why couldn't i? Why did i have to drag nampyeon into my woes too when i should have handled it myself? I was suddenly afraid that nampyeon would see me as a baggage and i thought maybe it would be best to remain in the high risk ward after all. But I also knew that i couldn't do it because the loss of our first bothered me so much i didn't have the mental capacity to think properly anymore. i just wasn't strong enough.
It was too late anyway. I was arranged to switch ward and another mom's name had been placed on my quarters. I regretted a while. There was a nurse who consoled and gave me solace at this ward, and tried to make my stay comfortable while i was deep in wallow. She hugged me and told me i would be welcome back anytime.
We were first allocated to a 5person ward which seemed messy and crowded. Thankfully the 2 person ward was cleared at the same time so i moved there instead. I had a nice window view with a broad corner. There was a even a monitor with tv programs and information on myself (my schedule, medicine, food, test results etc). Nampyeon couod sleep on the pull-up chair beside me. For the first time in a while i could actually smile. I felt relieved and comfortable and no longer stressed about being alone and subjected to all the pains. I could even pick what i want to eat for all my subsequent meals through the monitor's health system. I actually was relieved that in spite of my clouded view i made the decision to move. The doctors came later on and noticed that i was much brighter and didn't insist on getting discharged. I finally felt like i was able to recuperate better here now.
Tuesday, April 21, 2020
Our 3 year anniversary
21 Weeks
This was probably the first time i took an ambulance. Nampyeon quickly packed up in the morning and i was wheeled and shuffled to Bundang SNUH, a 10mins drive away. The admission and testing area was chaotic upon our arrival - there were many patients bundled around waiting to get tested so they could be hospitalised. I had to go through a heart test, xray, blood test and urine test before i got assigned to a ward. They changed my needles since it was expiring today as well as the drip i was on to their packaging (the contents were the same... was it even necessary zzz). I was by myself for the whole day till about 3-4pm where nampyeon came in for a while and then went off to get dinner for me.
I realised that i was warded at the high risk mom area where visitors were only allowed for 2hrs a day at fixed times. I was reassessed and assigned 1 more needle because the new med (magnesium sulphate) could not be dripped together with antibotics. I had to monitor my urine flow by measuring them everytime i use the toilet, and record all my intakes and outputs. I was not trembling since Lavobar was off but my hands burned when the drip came on, and i couldn't move my hands properly because the new needles were poked near the joints. With one needle on each hand, it was tough to do anything properly without help.
Nampyeon came in with my dinner but was told he had to leave since it wasn't visiting times yet. I was severely weak emotionally and physically and started crying with self-pity, and the nurses eventually allowed him to have dinner with me before i got worse. I realised i had been so reliant on nampyeon that i wasn't able to handle this new situation by myself. I was alone, i had no support and i was in pain all over. I couldn't sleep the whole night - my contractions were frequent, i had a clogged nose from bleeding and dried air. My hands burned with the drip. Whenever i thought i could fall asleep, i needed to pee and had to wash all the measuring basin while in the toilet. My legs were numb from the swelling, and my heart felt blocked, making me harder to breathe (side effects of magnesium). The bed was hard and no matter how many positions i changed i couldn't get comfortable without my back, butt or my srm getting numb. When i return to my bed i was no longer sleepy and had to go through the clogged nose and burning pain again to make myself sleep. It was so so difficult to fall asleep. I tried to look for a nurse but at 3am there wasn't anyone in sight and i didn't know where the emergency button was at. I hung on and cried until 5am when the nurses made their rounds and i got reassessed for my contractions.
I was dripped with Lavobar and magnesium this time. The contractions got better and i was so tired i managed to sleep for a good hour at the end at 7am the next day. It was the longest and the worse day of my life. And it was our 3 year anniversary that day.
This was probably the first time i took an ambulance. Nampyeon quickly packed up in the morning and i was wheeled and shuffled to Bundang SNUH, a 10mins drive away. The admission and testing area was chaotic upon our arrival - there were many patients bundled around waiting to get tested so they could be hospitalised. I had to go through a heart test, xray, blood test and urine test before i got assigned to a ward. They changed my needles since it was expiring today as well as the drip i was on to their packaging (the contents were the same... was it even necessary zzz). I was by myself for the whole day till about 3-4pm where nampyeon came in for a while and then went off to get dinner for me.
I realised that i was warded at the high risk mom area where visitors were only allowed for 2hrs a day at fixed times. I was reassessed and assigned 1 more needle because the new med (magnesium sulphate) could not be dripped together with antibotics. I had to monitor my urine flow by measuring them everytime i use the toilet, and record all my intakes and outputs. I was not trembling since Lavobar was off but my hands burned when the drip came on, and i couldn't move my hands properly because the new needles were poked near the joints. With one needle on each hand, it was tough to do anything properly without help.
Nampyeon came in with my dinner but was told he had to leave since it wasn't visiting times yet. I was severely weak emotionally and physically and started crying with self-pity, and the nurses eventually allowed him to have dinner with me before i got worse. I realised i had been so reliant on nampyeon that i wasn't able to handle this new situation by myself. I was alone, i had no support and i was in pain all over. I couldn't sleep the whole night - my contractions were frequent, i had a clogged nose from bleeding and dried air. My hands burned with the drip. Whenever i thought i could fall asleep, i needed to pee and had to wash all the measuring basin while in the toilet. My legs were numb from the swelling, and my heart felt blocked, making me harder to breathe (side effects of magnesium). The bed was hard and no matter how many positions i changed i couldn't get comfortable without my back, butt or my srm getting numb. When i return to my bed i was no longer sleepy and had to go through the clogged nose and burning pain again to make myself sleep. It was so so difficult to fall asleep. I tried to look for a nurse but at 3am there wasn't anyone in sight and i didn't know where the emergency button was at. I hung on and cried until 5am when the nurses made their rounds and i got reassessed for my contractions.
I was dripped with Lavobar and magnesium this time. The contractions got better and i was so tired i managed to sleep for a good hour at the end at 7am the next day. It was the longest and the worse day of my life. And it was our 3 year anniversary that day.
