The cremation

26 May

It was midnight, just after i finished the zoom call with the girls. We tried moving the babies to our room so they could sleep with us for a night, but as soon as Linzy was in the room, water droplets formed around her face. It was just too warm for her. before i sent them back, i gave both my babies a kiss on their head. i wanted to hug them and put them to my heart, but they were so frail and so small, i was afraid i would break them.

We then moved all of them back to the fridge and ended up sitting in the kitchen writing letters to each of them and making origami tortoises. we wanted to stay by their side for just one last night, before we send them off in the morning. i placed the everland pandas by each of their side. they didn't have any toys at all so i thought it'd be good to put one with them. we tried to make their boxes as heartwarming as possible and placed in breastmilk as well. it was the least we could do for these babies.

come 8am, and it was time to depart for the crematorium. this time MIL and her brother, as well as her brother's wife, came along with us. nampyeon and i carried our babies boxes to the office and nampyeon registered the cremation - this time without any issues. Linzy was the first to be cremated (there was a fixed timing for registered and unregistered babies to be cremated). i touched her for the last time, and couldn't help but cried. it was so so hard to control, when i thought of how this little life suffered, and i was not able to see her in her final moments. there was regrets, and there was bitterness. i blamed myself again and again.

we were moved to the departure room, where we were separated from the cremation site behind a glass panel. Linzy was placed inside the crematorium, and the doors slid down. it took only 15seconds before i realised that i could no longer see her, or touch her. i couldn't say my goodbyes but cried for a long, long time.

we rested in a family room and waited while Linzy turned to ashes in the blazes. it took about 1hr before the cremation was completed and nampyeon went down to collect her ashes.

around 10am, we sent off Kinzy in the same way. i thought i had somehow controlled my feelings and even managed to whisper "잘 가요.." before i burst into tears again. I remembered Kinzy kicking healthily in our last ultrasound, and just a week after she was gone. and the ultrasounds that i saw of her after that... she was always crouching and squeezed in the corner. it pained me when i thought of how her last few moments. was she choking? was she crying for me? did she pass on the dream to nampyeon to ask us to save her? we would never know.

Kinzy took a little longer to complete. i guess the attendants listened to us and set a lower temperature for Kinzy as she was so so small. a strong blaze would have not left any ashes. it was fortunate we had remains of both of them. they were wrapped in paper and labeled. we placed them in a ziplock and carried them home. we contemplated burning our letters with them but in the end decided that we would put them in the urn together with the ashes, so our voices could be with them in the pigeon tin.

In a way it was as though something heavy was lifted off me. i wanted to be with them longer yet i was worried about the decay. i didn't want them to go looking too different from their final moments. but every time i see them i was in so much pain.

we had lunch with the people who came and i was surprised i could eat so much (probably because the food was good too).

after the hearty meal, we went home to prepare to see Minzy. since Minzy could eat again, we needed to send all the breastmilk collected for the past week for her.

We thought Minzy would be in a better state but it seems that she probably knew her sisters were sent off this morning. she was having a pretty difficult time. her face and body was awfully bloated, probably due to the water retention and the fact that she couldn't pee very well. her blood pressure was low and doctors had to give her medicine to raise it. she was battling with the candida infection and i'm not sure why but her stomach looked so black. the doctor told us that it was probably due to the accumulated waste inside her but i've never seen it so black. they also mentioned that the infection was probably passed to her at birth from me, and might even be due to the big diapers she was wearing. they asked us to get diapers for micro preemies. i can never understand why hospitals wouldn't have diapers for micro preemies....

anyway... Minzy's right arm was free from needles finally. i could finally see her little hands and fingers. it was so, so cute. she was moving her right arm and right leg (we wondered if her left side was ok as she was mainly moving her right arm and leg), as well as her little fingers. i desperately want to put my finger in her hands so she could hold it, but the nurses were the only ones who were able to touch her so freely. it was the first time her right arm was free of tape.

she opened her right eye ever so slightly while i was there and i was sure i saw a very tiny teardrop when she closed it again. was she in pain? was she sad? did she know her sisters left in the morning? it was so heartbreaking for me. i wanted to hold her and tell her it's ok... my brave child. i'm here. mommy's here. but she won't hear me. and i couldn't touch her.

that night, we placed Kinzy and Linzy's ashes in the urn and put the babies in our room, atop the airdresser. we would sleep with them till we find their burial site.

Just a little improvement, probably.

23 May

We called the hospital to check on a few things as well as Minzy's weight. she was 480g, but the doctor told us it may be due to water retention. she wasn't able to pee very well after the surgery and that might have caused the weight gain. there was nothing we could do except to monitor the recovery for now.

nampyeon bought handsfree pump so that it is easier for me to pump outside of home. MIL bought me some clothes. she said that i can wear them as pajamas but it clearly looks big enough for pregnant people. i guess she must have prepped it for my pregnancy but had to change her words now that i am no longer pregnant.

we finally settled on the cremation date as well. nampyeon was dragging this for very long because he was worried that there won't be any ashes left if we cremate the babies. he didn't want them to turn into nothing and he wanted their remains to be with us. he even said that we should take their urn when we go traveling so that the babies could travel and be with us. however, Linzy was sleeping on her left side and it looked somewhat melted when i see her and i wasn't so sure if the babies could remain in their current state when we send them off. nevertheless, we had no choice but to wait for 26 May for the cremation, and pile on the ice packs around the babies in the meantime to delay the decay. we feel so bad they have to be in a fridge but there was no other place we could put them to preserve them properly T_T

24 May

i've not cooked for a very long time, and i decided to make myself breakfast today. there were leftover buns that FIL didn't eat so i went ahead to have them.

Minzy gained another 10g (490g) today. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be good or bad since it is mostly because of water retention again. her blood pressure was also fluctuating. it seems that as long as it isn't too extreme, it doesn't seem too dangerous? everything was explained in korean and i had a hard time understanding the context sometimes.

we decided to go out to yongin streets to have some proper food.

2 pretty good restaurants closed in yongin - tanoshimi (sushi place with lots of free sides) and santome (franchise ramen shop). my legs were hurting just from a 10min walk but thankfully nampyeon managed to find a mala/chee cheong fun place! unfortunately... they do not sell chee cheong fun anymore. still, they at least have siew mai and xiao long bao, and taiwanese pancake, which was good enough to satisfy my sg food cravings...

25 May

we received good news that Minzy has finally stabilised her blood pressure and was able to eat again (by that they mean to feed her breastmilk). there was temporary relief as we were able to send Kinzy and Linzy properly now. I was so worried that Minzy might be taken away by her sisters. I kept having this horrible feeling that maybe the cremation was fated to be delayed so the sisters could go together. thankfully this was not so. please please please save Minzy...

at night, blewky decided to have a call. to be honest i was not exactly in the best state to have a video call. as it started to near the cremation day, my mood got more and more sensitive and i ended up crying in the toilet as i thought about kinzy and linzy. however, i did miss my friends and i have not seen them for so, so long. i went ahead with the call on zoom with the excuse that i was in the toilet (which was true, i was doing my betadine bath just after pumping) and i didn't know how to use zoom (which was also true, it was the first time i was using it). one of my friends knew what was happening to me and helped brushed off questions that put me in a difficult situation.

it was really great to hear all of them again, really. i tried my best to be as normal as possible and left early to prepare for my final farewell and the cremation tomorrow. i was sleepy, yes, but i think it was probably a result of too much tears.

Minzy's surgery

21 May

The doctor called nampyeon urgently yesterday, saying that Minzy needed immediate surgery as the medicine wasn't closing up the open vessel. Nampyeon happened to be in the hospital just then since he was delivering the colostrum, and he signed the papers to agree to the surgery.

even though the doctor told us that it was one of the simplest surgery for preemies, we still couldn't help but worry. the lightest baby he had ever operated on was only 500g but Minzy was 490g and she dropped to 460g in the morning of the surgery. the vessel either has to be cut off or tied up, depending on whichever is feasible once the doctor opens her up. the worst thing that could happen is a big scar that would remain with her for life. nampyeon thought that surgery was also the best option as the medicine given to close the vessels were not good for the baby and the surgery may help to stop the brain bleeding as well. the doctor was saying how we would not be able to see her after the surgery and we should do so before the surgery today. we had to be there by 9am to see her, since the surgery was at 10am.

we woke up early and went to see Minzy. she had a new needle on her left hand to prep for the surgery. i ached at how this little baby have to go under the knife when she's barely 500g. i told her to be strong and that i would come see her after her surgery ends. the doctor says it will take at most 3 hours.

while waiting, we decided to walk around hyehwa and have lunch. i was actually glad that i came out to see Minzy, since this gave me a chance to finally have a breath of fresh air outside. it was probably the first time i was out having a 'date' with nampyeon since i was hospitalised.

we rested at a tart cafe, had great food at witch's kitchen and i even managed to buy myself harry potter collaboration accessories from OST.

i felt a little guilty for being happy for once but i was also relieved that my mood could be lifted from such simple things. the only thing that was inconvenient was having to pump every 3 hours and i ended up doing it at the restaurant. thankfully it was dimly lit and there was only 2 other tables with guests so i could do it unnoticed.

we went back around 2pm as nampyeon said the surgery was at 11am. we didn't receive any calls and were pretty worried so we decided to just head back and check ourselves. thankfully the surgery went well! the doctor said that Minzy's blood pressure was stable throughout and she would only need to focus on recovery now. there was big patch on the left side of her body where she was cut that has a tube connected to it to drain the carbon dioxide accumulated during surgery, and the needle on her left hand drained 'dirtied' blood. it would be removed as soon as the things that were supposed to come out and cleaned up. the doctor says she won't be able to eat for a few days depending on her condition, and she was safe for now. she was sleeping and her left hand occasionally twitched. Minzy is such a strong, strong baby. mommy is proud.

outside, we met a mom whose twins were scheduled for the same surgery just after Minzy. she gave birth at 23+6 weeks, the same as me, but her twins weighed more than 600g. she mentioned that the heavier weight was because they weren't able to pee properly. she looked like she was the same age as me but she was 50 years old! we assured her that since Minzy's surgery went well, her twins would have no trouble, and chatted a little on how we both delivered way earlier than expected. she was only hospitalised for 4-5days and her lungs filled with water when she was given magnesium, thus she had to deliver since the drips didn't work. being in the same unfortunate situation, it actually felt quite nice to have someone in a similar situation and being able to talk about it casually.

however, Minzy's trials were not over. nampyeon told me that while her brain bleeding stopped, it was actually in stage 4 and we would have to brace ourselves for possibility of cerebral palsy in the future, which can only be determined when she turns one or two. additionally, she still has a fungal (candida) infection that's not resolved, and would have to be on antibiotics. babies on antibiotics are not really a great thing because they might turn immune to it in the future since they are given the drugs when they are so young.

i think, heaven is punishing my baby for the sins i committed...

Delayed cremation

20 May

Nampyeon woke up in the wee hours to turn on the air con and bed warmer in our room. He wanted chance for us to sleep with the babies, in our main bed room. But it was already pump time by then and we had to leave house past 930 for the cremation, and i wasn't falling asleep again after i was woken up. 'It's ok,' he said 'they will at least be able to view their parent's room.

before leaving the house, i went to touch Kinzy and Linzy's head for the first time. As expected, the bodies were hard, but it was still human skin. Linzy's face was smooth and felt like a real baby to the touch. i longed to carry and kiss her but i was afraid i would mess up her clothes or break her arms... they were just too fragile.

we packed and got to the cremation grounds. there was another funeral going on and a huge crowd there. someone cried in front of the coffin box badly. i was so affected i tried to control my tears. we were marching through with 2 little coffins. i'm sure everyone could figure out that they weren't just normal boxes.

as usual, nothing ever goes according to plan. the person in charge told us that there was a problem with Linzy's name. it was registered as baby 2 in the death certificate, but since we registered her birth with an actual name, the 2 names should be matching. they would not cremate her and we had to bring both of them back home in the end.

my mind was too blank to think of anything. nampyeon had to go back to the hospital again to retrieve the correct death certificate for Linzy. we would have to take care of our babies for another few days.

proceeding with the funeral was so agonizing. just yesterday, we were supposed to receive our urn for the ashes but both the seller and the delivery person didn't know where the package was and nampyeon had to keep calling the both of them to insist that we needed the urn by yesterday. the seller eventually made a new one for us and dispatched it to us that night, and much to our surprise, the other urn that we had ordered had actually reached us yesterday as well, but we wondered why no one knew.

this was the 2nd time the cremation was delayed - first it was due to my sudden breastfeeding, and then it was because of my english names, and now it's because of the names on the death cert. i guess heaven wants me to spend more time with Kinzy and Linzy.

we went home and placed them in the fridge again. it was not a great place to be again, and nampyeon tried to place ice packs and dehumidifier inside to delay the decay, as they were already starting to change. hopefully they will remain fine till their cremation day. i noticed that there was a syringe with my breastmilk inside and nampyeon said it was for them to taste before they were cremated. he had switched on lullabies for them while they were in the fridge so they wouldn't be too lonely there. i was surprised at how thoughtful nampyeon was. i guess i won't have to worry about my corpse when i pass on.

we had chatted previously about when we would pass away, and nampyeon wanted a combined burial with me and our babies. i love the idea. at least we wouldn't be lonely when we had to go, he was already looking into family burial site, when he searched for one for our babies. the urn that he had bought prevented decay of the skeletal remains via removal of air inside and replacement with nitrogen. it was about 800+ sgd and nampyeon says that we could place our remains inside, together with Kinzy and Linzy later on. hopefully Minzy won't have to be with us, if she eventually grows up and starts her own family. he even joked about whether anyone would help put us together inside when we passed on. even if we don't have kids to help us... we could always get a lawyer to help i guess.

when nampyeon left for the hospital, i started to cry again. he hugged me before leaving and told me he loves me. i felt so bad he had to see me in tears because i know he hurt too. and i didn't want him to hurt. there were times i had sudden bouts of tears flowing out but i quickly wiped them off when i knew nampyeon is near. i don't want him to see me suffering and thinking that he can't do anything about it again. it really wasn't his fault he has to deal with such an emotional wife. it has been so long since he last blogged and i just happen to see it. i'm so sorry my love. i do want us to be happy from now on. i want to try and let go and be stronger. i know that he knows, whenever he holds my head and hug me. whenever he holds my hand when we sleep. whenever he tells me he loves me. i guess writing these blog posts reminded me of my pain again. i hope it will eventually be a way out - to write about my pain to relieve myself, instead of burdening people with my pain. this blog has almost no viewership so it is actually quite the perfect place.

i hope that if people with the same pain happen to see my posts, they would feel encouraged when i get well again. they would know that they are not the only ones who had to lose their babies, after being blessed with the initial good news. they are not the only ones cursed with bad pregnancy. if they have early contractions or preterm babies, they would know what they had to go through.

life just has a strange way of presenting obstacles and i just have to get through this. i've always told myself that pain is always temporary. perhaps it hurt just for the 2 seconds when the needle goes in, but after 3seconds, the pain is no longer there. because it's temporary, you just have to get through it and win it. it's not a 2 seconds pain for me now. it might be 2 weeks, 2 months, but i will get through it. the lullaby plays downstairs but when it's over, perhaps my tears will stop too. i'm willing it.

A hoard of bad news

19 May

My boobs were hurting, so we made another trip to Oketani that day at 10am. Turns out there was an appointment with the professor in charge of NICU matters, so we quickly got over as soon as we were done, at 1130am.

The following news that came was not pleasing. Minzy doesn't seem to be doing so well. There is an enlarged blood vessel that was supposed to close up upon delivery that connects to the lungs, but doesn't due to preterm birth. It is said to be a common issue with preterm babies. It causes blood to be delivered more than usual, with the excess flowing into the lungs. The solution was to treat it with antibiotics/drugs in the hopes it will close up by itself, but the first round hasn't been successful and has caused much stress to the body. This is also linked to the bleeding in brain. At this stage, the bleeding is not considered mild, but may have a 50% chance of Minzy having slow development issues later on. Upon verification, nampyeon seems to have asked if it will affect the intelligence, but the prof affirmed that it will more likely affect the muscle movements. If the artery doesn't close up, surgery will have to be performed.

We weren't so worried about the scar from the surgery (it will definitely leave a very big one across the back). I'm actually more worried if Minzy will have a normal life later on from the brain hemorrhage. I wondered if it was too much to beg her not to go.

After the update, I went over to see Minzy for our once a week visit. I was finally able to see her clearly with the humidity gone. She had drips on her right hand and it was bundled so much you can't see her palm. A heartbeat monitor was attached to her right waist, and her left hand. The nurse came by to inject breastmilk into the feeding tube down her mouth and occasionally she would move her tongue, as if drinking the milk. She has a newly punctured IV on her left leg and i could see a blot of blood on it. Her eye cast has been removed and she frowned so slightly when the nurse proceeded to measure her stomach and change her diapers. She has a small mass of wire attached to her tummy as well. I'm not sure what that was. She waved her right hand up and down. How could she move that hand when it was so bundled, and punctured with IV.

I was so beyond grief I started to cry. How could this little body be able to tolerate all the drips and tubes. 2 IV drips, changeable every 3-4days. Not being able to move. Forced to sleep the whole day. Blood drawn out of the lungs. Antibiotics feeding. Stress on the body. Pain whenever the nurse touches her. And what if she has to go through surgery, at 490g? How could she take it? I went through the same hell, at a notch lower, and 1 month was all I could endure. She doesn't even have anyone around her. I had nampyeon all the time. How could a little baby be so strong. So strong, but so painful to see that I hated myself so much. Will Minzy ever get out of this hell..?

Another nurse came by to take her x-ray and I left the room. Blood was draining from my face and I felt slightly faintish. I went to the waiting room, and swapped with nampyeon since only one guardian could go in at a time. i hugged nampyeon and i couldn't stop crying. it was so hard to control my tears. but nampyeon had to see Minzy so i let go. i told him to take photos because i couldn't. i want to remember Minzy's pain. i want to remind myself that i caused this.

We skipped lunch since i barely have any appetite and collected Kinzy and Linzy. i was suddenly wide awake when i saw the bill. 8days in the morgue and it amounted to about 700+sgd. the fees for 'taking care' of bodies were much higher than live ones. i was almost amused at this odd turnout.

We reached home about 3pm, and i was long overdue for pumping since the last time i did was at oketani, at 10am. my boobs were hurting. but nampyeon and i managed to rest Kinzy and Linzy in our kimchi fridge before i started pumping. it was a weird place to deposit them but it had a fair share of space and was colder than our room would be. we would take them out to sleep in our rooms later in the night.

my mother-in-law had bought ribs and eunhwasam chef prepared about 9person's share of calbi stew for both me and nampyeon. i knew i would cry if someone told me it's ok and i did after my meal, when my MIL reached out to console me again. When my FIL came in and i saw him for the first time since i got discharged, i couldn't help but be reminded of my despair again and my tears just wouldn't stop. i felt like such a wuss but it was just so hard to control. everyone was telling me that i needed to recuperate faster and stop crying, that it was ok because i am still young. but they don't know the guilt i felt inside because i caused the death of my babies. it wasn't ok, i wasn't ok.

i went upstairs while my MIL and sister-in-law chatted with FIL for a bit. i needed to stop crying and be stronger. it wouldn't change anything even if i kept crying.

Nampyeon came up to talk to me and i poured out my worries. what if we were making a mistake trying to keep Minzy alive? nampyeon told me that if he was Minzy born disabled, he would still want to keep living. perhaps this is Minzy now - she wanted to live even when she's subjected to the pain. but what if Minzy can never be a normal child like others - will she still be happy? nampyeon said that disabled people who were born with disabilities don't really know what they have lost since they have never had it. On the other hand, if you had your hands and legs when you were born and they were taken from you - that's when you know what you lost and you would be much more unhappy than people who were born without it. As long as Minzy's intelligence remains intact, it doesn't matter if she has muscle problems - all she needs to be is happy afterwards. As parents, we might look at her with pain at every step, but as Minzy, she would still want to fight for her life. it would be too cruel to give up on her right now - we will just have to leave it to her and help her fight for her right to life. there's just another week till we have a more definite conclusion on what her long-term repercussions would be, so we shouldn't worry about it for now.

at around 1230am after our 2nd bedroom was cold enough we took Kinzy and Linzy upstairs. i dressed them in the fairy dresses i made and we played a neverending loop of baby lullabies to them.

it would be the first and last time i was mothering my babies. they felt rubbery and limp through my disposable gloves. Linzy had a certain weight to her head. when i unfolded Linzy she was actually wrapped with a small baby yukata and had a little diaper on her. she had small eyes, lips and nose and she actually resembled me. Kinzy lost so much liquid she was almost flat. i hurt, but i controlled myself and we even managed to take pictures with them.

my husband placed ice packs around to lower the temperature in the hopes they would decay slower, and we left the lullabies for them to accompany them through the night. the cremation was due the next day.

Post-birth... breastmilk production.

13 May 

My journey with the triplets isn't over yet.

My body reminded me that there was still something I could do for Minzy, even when she is struggling at this moment. For premature births, the moms usually had breastmilk just a week after but it seems mine came that day. I had pains in my breasts and we decided to see if the hospital could help the next day, since we were supposed to go collect Kinzy and Linzy.

14 May

My breasts got harder and painful as the day goes by. We left house at 930am and thought if my breastmilk production really have started, I would be able to extract and pass it to the hospital then and there. However, it wasn't so easy. We couldn't get a consultation with the doctor because there was no prior reservation made and we got sent to the emergency area.

The doctor at the emergency area couldn't do anything either, and even cussed at the fact the gynaes sent me there. In between we got a call saying the official birth certs for our twins couldn't be processed because my name was spelt in English in the documents, and we would have to get a new set with my name spelt in Korean. We waited several hours just to get a consultation with the doctors to change this name. Isn't it weird that I couldn't get the doctors when I was in pain, but I can meet them because of paper matters? Nevertheless after we got our papers we proceeded to check out.

Apparently even when my prof initially told me there cases like mine were one of many, the doctors still could make mistakes with the papers and diagnosis. Somehow we were only supposed to get documents of the twins but the doctors processed it as triplets. Unfortunately since Kinzy passed away before birth, she wasn't counted as a legit birth here and shouldn't be given an official birth cert. The receptionist cussed again because they could not even process such simple matters. Deep down I was already hating the hospital more and more for not doing even things like this properly.

With all the time wasted, nampyeon had to cancel cremation and collection of our babies. We only managed to settle things around 4pm and headed home after that.

We got a call with regards to Minzy that day. Like all premature babies, she would lost weight for the first few days, probably 10g a day. She was born with a hole in her heart, and ultrasounds revealed that she had an enlarged arteriole connecting to her heart, which makes more blood flows to the lungs. They would have to monitor this and draw out blood in her lungs regularly so she does not choke from it. In most cases, the hole seals up slowly but if it is too enlarged she would have to go through a surgery. I pray that it does not end up that way... i can't imagine a baby at 450g having to be sliced up along her back T_T

Just in case, we also managed to get the breastmilk pumps, pads and sealed packs from Spectra that day. I was quite sure that my milk had started forming though the nurses said at least a week will be needed. Perhaps my body knew that Minzy needed this right now.

15 May

We managed to schedule a session with Oketani, a boob specialist that Jackie had recommended me. I spent about 40mins there for my first session, being squeezed and nipped and crushed in both boobs painfully the whole time. It turns out that milk production had started and clots were forming, hence explaining why my boobs were hard and painful to the touch. Being so tiny, Minzy only needed 2cc-5cc of milk per day and extra milk in the pack would be discarded. I could pump around 30-40cc each time, which was way more than enough that would be discarded anyway. After the session, we made our way to SNUH to deliver the freshly-squeezed milk. It was a rainy day, and it was so cold and windy outside.

A new update to Minzy - she has started eating 'normally'. I'm actually not sure what that means but I guess food is being processed within her, and it would be a good time for them to drip in breastmilk.

16 May

I went for my 2nd BM session today. It was still a painful 40mins but my boobs felt less swelled and hard after the massage. The children's hospital wasn't opened that day and we had to take a detour to get to the NICU for our milk delivery.

We had both good and bad news. Linzy was gaining weight, which was a pretty good sign since premature babies usually lose weight for quite a while before gaining. Being the tiniest baby there already, it would be terrible if she loses beyond 400g. The bad news was that there was bleeding in her brains. It hasn't reached a bad state and I just hope that with all the new nutrients in my BM, it would help Minzy overcome this. I miss my baby and I long to see and touch her, but on the other hand I was so so afraid that if anything goes wrong with her, I really don't know what I would do.

It has been just 5 days since I gave birth and I am slowly losing all the birth weight, standing at 47kg now. My body is starting to ache and I am not sure if it's because I showered twice and did housework, or if it's just normal post-birth. I've been waking up every 2.5hrs for my pumping session and my vision has started getting blurry. I still have blood discharge but it doesn't hurt anymore when I pee/shit. I seem to be free of constipation, passing motion in the day and night - I wonder if this is a gift my triplets sent me. Beyond that, I guess it will still take some more time before my health is nursed back to normal again. I still have extra belly layers to remind me of my pregnancy, that probably won't go away for a while.

We have scheduled for the cremation to be next week and will collect Kinzy and Linzy on Tuesday. My heart aches whenever I think of them lying in the cold morgue with only towels bundled around, in a paper box. Even though it will pain me, I long to see them and dress them up, and see them off properly. I want them to be reborn sooner, to a better mother and a better world. I haven't bought any baby stuff yet.. which was a good thing since it would have constantly reminded me of them, but I do have at least 1 triplet set that remains - a gift from Cheil hospital.

My babies..

My triplets

12 May

I woke up at 5am suddenly feeling emptied. It was the time when checks were routinely made. I could no longer hear my babies heartbeat. My stomach had shrunk. I only had a needle on me and it wasn't hurting. I wasn't trembling and my hands didn't burn. I was feeling very slight contractions from post-birth and i felt blood discharging every now and then, but i was finally free of all physical pains. I was even sad to see the last nurtrient drip removed from me and i shocked myself with the thoughts of wanting the drips to just remain. I had 2 blood tests that day but curiously, the pain of the needles didn't seem so fearful after all. It was ok if they decide to poke me more. It was ok.

I could finally see Minzy that day. Her eyes were covered and her head wrapped up, but i could see her small body splayed out. She had a tube down her mouth and drips attached here and there but she seemed to be sleeping fine. My heart ached when i saw all the drips around her and i hated myself for passing my pain onto her small body. She probably knew I was in pain and wanted to help me rid them. She, and her sisters, had sacrificed themselves for me. I wept at this feeble-looking body, who was so much stronger than me.

Her incubator was all humid and i couldn't see her properly but she moved every now and then, just like she had when we looked at the babies through ultrasound. The environment mimicked a mom's womb, but the nurses said she wouldn't be able to hear me. Nevertheless i spoke softly to her and hoped she would be brave and fight through this. She was the smallest baby there at 450g but so far she seemed stable but it would be too soon to be happy yet. I prayed that she would be stronger than me. I prayed that she would pull through and let me carry her in my arms, and i would eternally shower all my love on her.

I noticed that there was a board with all the babies listed in NICU. There were so many names that had only baby 1 or baby 2, showing that only 1 of the twins survived amongst the many deliveries. Some of the twins weren't in the same ward but at least many twins did survive together. While I had kept thinking that many people seem to have a smooth pregnancy, it wasn't so after all. Bringing a life into this world... is really no easy feat.

I was discharged around 2pm that day.. This is the first and last selfie I have of myself, to commemorate my entire experience, and the living quarters I was at.

Before going home, nampyeon asked if i wanted to see Kinzy, our first loss. We went over to the funeral area and the undertaker took her out for us to see.

Kinzy was in a huge, elegant paper box (same size as her sister Linzy). She was bundled with such thick towels i thought she would be big but after unlayering at least 10times i saw that she was only palm-sized. The undertaker advised not to see but i would only feel regret if i didn't see her now. I started sobbing when i finally saw her. She looked like a glob of jelly and i could only make out what seemed to be her eye sockets. She had a little human form but her face was not fully developed. I was reminded of how i always saw her crouched and squeezed in a corner whenever we did ultrasounds. It pained me and i tears came flowing out again. We bundled her again and left for home after.

I came home to a messy state, as expected. However I was slightly glad that I could distract myself with all the re-organizing. I even managed to make clothes for Kinzy and Linzy. I wanted to send them off looking pretty, not naked like that. They had deserved so much more and there was nothing I could do for them anymore. If they were alive, surely they would grow up wearing even prettier things, smiling for me. When they leave, they would be pretty fairies, just like nampyeon's dream.

Nampyeon's birthday

11 May

I was sent to the monitoring room again and monitored till 2am. The nurses increased the dosage of both drugs to 50ml each but it didn't get any better. The interval was still 5mins and the pain didn't get any weaker. But i was so tired that i feel asleep during one of the 5mins interval and even had a weird dream where i was experiencing earthquake while lying on the bed. I asked what was happening and realised the whole room was moving, and i stepped out to a place that looks like a desert with mechanical disposal. People were lined up and i was told to do the same but I got hungry and declared that I'm pregnant and i would eat now. The next moment i was exploring school canteens and i woke up because the contraction pains came on again. The nurses noticed i slept and told me the contractions may be happening because I'm too tired and i wasn't able to sleep properly so they sent me back to the ward for some sleep. I told them that the contractions were still painful and the interval was still the same but they advised me to rest anyway. Back in my ward, the contractions kept me awake and i struggled till 5am when the nurse next came in for checks, to which i was sent back to the monitoring room again since i wasn't getting any better.

I learnt that i should have told the nurses my pain level was more than 4/10. At 4, it was a level where it could be settled by painkillers so i chose that point. Since it wasn't a high rating the nurses attended to another patient and left me hanging. They increased the drug level but of cos it didn't help at all. The pains were significantly different from the previous contractions i felt. Normally there's a soft vibration that spreads out and causes a menstrual sting at the end, but this time there was no build up. The menstrual sting was about 2-3times stronger than what i normally felt and stayed for about 1.5mins each time. The pain came on every 3-5mins and adjusting my sleeping position didn't help at all. This should actually have been an 8 or 9 on the pain radar.

The nurses came in to inject a drug on my butt around 630am saying that it would help the babies to breathe better later on, and i think they probably caught on that my contractions weren't normal. Just about 30mins after... i felt something popped out beneath. It felt like a bubble had just burst out. I called for the nurses who panicked when they saw what came out and quickly held it back up my vagina. I couldn't see anything but somehow i felt that my first baby might have came out. I was actually very calm at that point of time in comparison with the nurses who came in after. I was being wheeled to the surgery room, shifted to the surgery table and examined there. I don't know what they did below as there was a cloth covering my view but my lower back seemed to be hinged by the bad birth-giving position and i was in a very uncomfortable placement. The contractions kept coming on at the same interval and level, but the doctor seemed to think it was ok. She told me that the baby who passed on came out and i will be brought back to be monitored for my contractions again, and that the twins were safe.

However it didn't seem that way when the professor stepped in to find me in the monitoring room later. He went on a bout of scolding fest, asking why there weren't fetal heartrate monitor on me, and why i was even sent back to me monitored when my contractions didn't stop. He asked the doctors (at this point i couldn't really tell who were the nurses and who were the nurses actually) if i was examined by ultrasound to verify the twins condition, and they immediately whisked out the machine and placed gel on my belly. The twins position appeared to be much lower than before and the prof told the nurses to put me back to surgery room. I was whisked out again, and transferred to the table. It was such a commotion. One of the nurses poked me with a fat needle on my right arm and i saw blood dripping out from the needle. Realising she prob burst my vessel, she proceeded to remove and repoke in the middle of my hand. T.T After several bouts of scolding the nurses for their lack of attention the prof told me that the twins were coming out as well and i should push when the contractions happened. Before that they would stick a urine cord in my as it seems my bladder was bursting (true enough, i had wanted so much to pee when those contractions happened and i should have done so). I was suddenly afraid - they were barely 24weeks - but i had no choice. He said they would do their best to save the babies. When the contractions came on, i pushed while the nurses pressed my stomach, and i felt another bubble bursting out underneath. It happened for another 2 times, and I realized in that 3 pushes i got both twins and my placenta out. All in the span of probably 20mins. I also felt several other things gushing out underneath probably blood and cords but because my contractions were the most uncomfortable i couldn't notice anything else. I did notice several doctors standing around a box which i presumed had my babies but i couldn't see them at all. My contractions gradually died out and i realised everything seems to be over. I was transferred to a patient bed and parked at a recovery area, with a pad underneath me. Blood, urine and stuff was still flowing out and it seems it would be that way for the next hour. I was lying flat and leaking and alone, since my nampyeon couldn't come in due to corona regulations. Nampyeon was waiting outside the NICU on the other hand, waiting for news of our newborns.

The news wasn't very pleasant through when nampyeon called. One of our twins were struggling and was not able to breathe by herself and we had to decide if we should let her go or keep trying to save her. Nampyeon decided it was best to let go because her heart could only work when resuscitated with a hand. It was not looking good at all. My mind went blank and i couldn't think anymore. I wondered how our last twin was doing and if i will have to witness 3 deaths today. Nampyeon told me not to put too much hope in the last one because she only weighed 400g on birth and didn't have developed lungs. I wasn't thinking anymore tbh.

After an hour and a half, i was sent to my ward with fresh sheets and change of patient gown. Nampyeon said i should take a look at our second twin before i regret, but the nurses said i would be too weak to do so and might faint from the loss of blood. I wanted to see my baby and i went ahead anyway. The nurses warned me to come back within 30mins and don't stand up no matter what  Nampyeon wheeled me to NICU and i saw my baby for the first time.

She was wrapped in thick towels and the nurses took her out so i could hold her. Her lids were closed and her face looked peaceful. She actually had visible lashes and a very nicely developed nose, but her mouth was torn on the left, probably due to the tubes stuck in to make her breathe. Her face was so small, it was about the size of a normal baby's palm or maybe the size of my ear. I carried her for a good 5mins before i started to lose consciousness. Blood suddenly drained from my head and i called for my nampyeon to wheel me back. Nampyeon honestly panicked and he kept telling me not to sleep while he zoomed me all the way back to the ward. I was feeling faint but i didn't black out. My whole body just sort of gave out. I was re-connected with nutriet and fluid drips and it probably took me a good hour to regain myself. 

At 12pm the nurses came in and told me to pass urine. I had to do it through a measuring tub beneath me on my bed since i wasn't able to walk properly yet. Everytime i urinate there was a piercing pain, prob due to the urine cord inserted previously. It took me a good 15mins to get my urine out. The nurses urged me to drink water and eat but i didn't have much appetite and tbh i didn't really want to go to the toilet since i was still having mild contractions and my legs felt like jelly. When nampyeon came back in the evening after settling our 1st and 2nd twins funeral and admin matters, he helped me pee again and set up the cleansing tub in the toilet. However i didn't even pass 5mins sitting on the tub and i got all faintly again so he had to take me back to lie on the bed.

That day i lied in bed with a blank mind. I was weak from head to toes. MIL came to visit but i was actually feeling really fine. I didn't feel sad or at a loss. I was surprised at my lack of emotions, as though i had been waiting for this day to happen. I had given my babies their names - Kinzy, Linzy and Minzy. Kinzy was week 20 when she passed on and Linzy is week 23 6 days. Minzy was my last surviving hope. When I finally came to realise what happened at night after looking at the photos nampyeon took of Linzy, realization washed all over me. I lost 2 babies and i sobbed at last, for my loss. I wasn't sure if i could ever celebrate this day again. The births of 3 ended up in a loss of 2. I didn't know what to feel anymore.

A last feast.

10 May

The next day i was feeling much better after clutching to nampyeon's hands the whole night. I had a really full breakfast - mcmuffin set with prune chiller, pancakes and i even managed to stuff down another banana. I ate pizza and truffle rice for lunch and i probably passed motion at least 4 times. It was probably the only day i ate so much. I wanted to have a shower that day so nampyeon bathed me for the first time since we moved here.

Yes, there were bouts of contractions and towards the night the interval shortened to from 8mins to 3-5mins. I thought it was because i needed to shit because sometimes it's hard to differentiate between the 2, and my shit flowed out so smoothly whenever the contractions happen. But even after i emptied my bowels the contractions couldn't stop and it got more painful. I finally decided to let the nurses know around 11pm when they came in for checks.

I came to know later on that this was the last meal and shower I would share with my babies. When it passed 12am, I whispered Happy Birthday to my nampyeon. Somehow I think it will be a different birthday for him that day.

I wasn't getting any better.

6 May - 9 May

We checked into a 2 person ward the next day. It was a little more spacious and the common fridge was just next to us. The toilet was still terrible but at least the water basin was just outside. The nurses decided to put me off Lavobar since my contractions died off. I soon realised that this was even more of a mistake than what i previously thought. These drugs can't be taken off completely at once - the better way was to reduce the quantity bit by bit so the body can adjust. But it was too late. The momenty body couldn't feel Lavobar it decided to start contracting again and i was fed twice the quantity i had that night T.T

The rest of my days here were repetitive - i have blood test EVERYDAY. New needles and stuff. I have to go to the contractions room at 7am EVERYDAY to make sure my contractions are under control. It felt like boot camp. The 4 days passed so torturously. Everyday my drip quantity increased and i could feel myself getting worse and worse.

The nurses recommended me to move to the high risk room where i could be monitored more closely but it means i can't have nampyeon by my side. The first day i didn't have him at the prev hospital i was alr a mess and so i rejected the idea. Nampyeon decided to head home on 9 May to refresh himself and run some errands. I got so emotionally distressed alone i started falling into self-despair. It worsened when i looked at the terrible environment i was in. I was hungry the whole day since we canceled the food - i hated korean food more and more and i couldn't eat anything they served here. I think i got triggered during one of the routine checks where the actions of the nurse just felt so insincere and 'I'm just doing my job and i don't really care about you' attitude. I felt mistreated and uncared for and i started wondering if i will ever see the end of my condition. I tried to control my tears while the nurse did the check but i finally burst when she asked why i was crying. She tried to tell me not to worry because the med is definitely helping my condition, but no one could tell me where this was all going to. I knew that my negative emotions would affect the babies but i couldn't help it. I shouldn't have been so weak and wallow in self-pity. There were a lot of i shouldn'ts when i thought about this day again later on. The nurses were right - whatever i felt and thought - the babies could feel it too.

After the emotional bout, all the other nurses who came in after suddenly changed their attitude and became more sensitive. I ate a banana, apple, crackers and drank orange juice to get me till 1130pm when nampyeon finally came back. I had cup noodles but i was feeling so sick i thought i might puke but i stuffed down the vomit with a banana.

In the morning i was weighed and was surprised to find i was down to 56kg. My feet and hand swelling were completely gone. Although the nurses told me that it was a good sign i knew better. I was dehydrating and dehydration could have been one of the reasons why my contractions kept picking up speed. however, the doctors didn't link such a fact, it was just suspicions on my part.

A new hospital... Hyehwa SNUH

5 May

I really hate moving hospitals. The new hospital requires you to do all the basic checks again that includes blood test and more injections. I was sent to the Hyehwa branch for NUH at 10am, and everything was just plain torture. I was subjected to basic tests, xrays, blood test, corona test, vaginal test (where they insert so many things inside i felt i was being continually raped), ultrasound and fetal movement tests. It was concluded that i was not really at risk of TTTS but this would have to be affirmed by the prof tomorrow, since it was a PH that day. I had to be locked up by myself till 6pm because the results for covid would only be clear then. I really have no idea why they would do this test to a pregnant patient who has generally seen nothing but hospital interiors for the past 3 weeks, but protocol was protocol. i feel like i got worse everytime i change hospitals.

At 4pm my contractions started to hurt badly and i was subjected to more fetal movement tests. I was dripped with 45ml/hr of Magnesium and 16ml of Lavobar to control the contractions but it didn't help in any way. I was leaking waters, thirsty and hungry, and miserable, but i could only eat ice cubes while the contractions test took place. Eventually i was released at 8pm with more drips but no improvements to my contractions, because i looked so hungry and miserable after starving for 12hrs. There were many factors that could have caused the contractions and starvation was probably one of them.

I checked into a 5person ward, which looked rundown and so much smaller than our previous 2 person ward. The water basin and the toilet was like 3-4 meters apart at each end of the room!! Kinda telling as to how you shouldn't wash your hands after your business? Whoever designed the layout... anyways nampyeon reheated my food that was served at 6pm but i really had no appetite. I forced myself to eat whatever i could anyway. It was lucky the contractions stopped almost immediately after i ate and cleaned myself up, and i could sleep snugly without pain that night. It seems that all the discharge that needed to get out were out and that's why the contraction stopped? I was happy for a while thinking if that might be the case, and also wondering if it was a mistake to try to prevent all those discharge in the first place.

Another bad news

4 May 

Finally got to do a proper ultrasound for once. The doctors checked the length and weight of growth of each baby and then told me that i seem to have a lot of waters (yang shui) in me, that might have been causing the incessant contractions. They suggested to remove it via a needle, but it would be done next week after some monitoring. I was sent back to my ward, but the nurses suddenly told me that the doc wanted to see nampyeon separately.

Unfortunately nampyeon was out on an errand but he would try to get back before 5pm to see the doc. Since it was a PH tomorrow, the doc highly insisted nampyeon to see her today.

As they say... it isn't always a good thing if your doc wants to see your guardian separately. And true enough, when nampyeon came back he told me that our twins were experiencing TTTS and we will need to move hospital the next day. There was only 2 doctors in Seoul who could treat it and we should do it fast.

Leaking waters and blood

28 Apr 

My eyelids were heavy throughout the day due to lack of sleep. The good thing was the latched pain on my rib suddenly disappearing and my nose unblocking miraculously. I was able to have much better sleep that day, though the trembles continue.

29 Apr 

Doctor decided i could be put off Lavobar since i wasn't feeling the contractions anymore. The truth is there were probably contractions but it was too mild to notice and i just can't be bothered to track considering i was able to sleep properly for once. But i knew that when i touched my tummy, it was frequently hard - a clear sign of contraction.

I enjoyed my freedom from the med for only a few hours before i felt the waters drizzling out again, and the contractions started around 5pm. I was sent to be checked - I've never had so many things stuck up my vagina before. First it was some metal scoop (to see if cervix opened or if there's clots or stuff inside) then it was the internal ultrasound (to check length) and finally the fingers (to check cervix dilation). My cervix length was greatly reduced. The doctor didn't say exactly how much but I saw from the Ultrasound screen it was 0.98cm. They didn't say if it was bad or not but a simple google search tells me it's bad. The only thing i can do is to control my contractions now... I began to regret my earlier consent to take off Lavobar just for that few hrs of freedom. This time neither 32ml of Lavobar nor Magnesium Sulfate could save me. After 2hrs of being dripped with Lavobar then Mg, i was still feeling the contractions, altho the interval seems to have increased just very slightly. The doctor asked if i was able to sleep with this feeling - i said yes and i was returned to my ward with Mg drip at 50ml. Actually, my contractions weren't the issue. My leg was so bloated and numbed and my hands burned (side effects of Mg). I still had accelerated heartbeat and i was trembling from 32ml of Lavobar - those were way more distracting than the contractions. God forbid i ever try to steal a few hrs of freedom again.

That night, my contractions didn't stop and i kept leaking waters. Strangely i was peeing every 1-2hrs (Mg actually makes you want to pee less thus the necessity to monitor urine outflow), more frequent than usual. My pee kept waking me up in the night and it was coupled with watery poo (effect from the constipation med given or the drips). I had to wipe so badly each time i wish they could install a bidet. By this time i had alr given up measuring my urine amounts since i could somehow estimate the amount roughly. Can you imagine having to clean the measuring containers everytime you pee, and if there's poop it will be worse!??!? Nope, not gonna sacrifice my sleep for that....

30 Apr

I have leaked waters that can soak roughly a whole standard pad. It came out quite consistently, but the amount wasn't huge. The contractions didn't stop. However it seems that the nurses were unfazed as long as i wasn't leaking a huge chunk or having blood in my urine. I was weighed in the morning - a whopping 60kg!! That's about 7kg in 1 week since i came here?? Not sure whether it was good or not. I had my blood drawn again and my IV drips were all shifted to my left hand now. It seems better this way than to have both hands paralysed.

1 May 

I started to see blood in my discharge.

It wasn't a lot but it was a little mass of blood clot found on my pad. Alerted the nurse and they said to let them know if it gets worse. From then on, about 2 or 3 droplets of fresh blood would appear in my discharge. Since it wasn't a continuous trickle it seems to be of no issue.

Returning grief

It was week 22.

I couldn't sleep the whole night as my nose was clogged. I could barely notice the contractions going on since they were mild but i was pretty sure they were quite frequent. The doctors decided to take off my Magnesium sulfate iv drip since my contractions were irregular. While doing that they took a sample of my blood for a regular blood test from my feet (they couldn't draw it from my hands since both had drips and it would be inaccurate), then poked a new hole on my right arm to replace the 4days old hole on the left. I went to relieve myself and noticed a slight brown spotting but just went back to bed since it didn't seem serious.

After finally being able to sleep for about an hr, i felt something warm gushing from the underside. I got up and went to the toilet to check to find that my whole panty liner was soaked with brown discharge. I called the nurse from the toilet and they came to pick me up in a wheelchair and sent me to the delivery room to check. I had an internal ultrasound scan and the doc told me it was the waters from our first baby. I told her my contractions were getting regular but she sent me back to the ward and said to keep monitoring the water breakage. I was dripped with lavobar to stall the contractions but i was uneasy with the lack of information on my status. Thank goodness my doctor came to clarify with us about an hr later and told us that it was normal for the waters to break and the twins were not affected in any other way, nor was my cervix length. She also said that there may be blood discharge or i may see skin and even parts of the baby coming out but since my contractions were not painful wouldn't need to worry about the twins coming out anytime soon. I was put on 16ml of Lavobar to control the contractions.

I thought i was over my lost baby but suddenly all the emotions kept coming back to me. Was i going to see my lost child in 1 piece at the end? Was it going to keep decomposing inside? I felt painful when i think about how the baby must have felt inside when it was living its last moments and began tearing.

I had the hardest night that day after I moved to this ward. Coupled with the returning grief, i was unable to breathe properly as though something was latched on my right rib. My nose was stuck due to the dry air and dried blood inside. I was trembling and my heart was racing due to the drip. I probably only slept 1 hr because everytime i felt like i was falling asleep, i needed to pee and i had to go through the whole getting myself to sleep phase again.

Settling down

23 - 26 Apr

The next few days were repetitive. I was on drips but i wasn't sad anymore. I was able to laugh and talk with the nurses and i thought my pain had been driven away. I was able to forget about my lost child and i didn't cry for a long time. One of the nurses said that she was surprised that i was cheery because they had been told that i had a weak heart. Sure, the nurses screwed up a few times with the mistakes made in my needle change but i was unfazed.

I had clogged nose and nosebleeds but it was bearable. I was also swelling like a balloon with all the drips, unable to move comfortably around.

There was a day when I couldn't pass motion properly and the sides of my stomach hurt. The doctors found accumulated waters inside via ultrasound but they sent me for MRI as they suspected appendicitis inflammation. It actually got better after I was able to pass motion but i still went through the scanning just to have a peace of mind. Thankfully, nothing was found but we had to pay about 450 for the scan. it was a momentary scare but everything was fine eventually and the pain didn't come back again.

Anyways, i had nampyeon with me, good food, great environment and i was happy for a while. I appreciated the medical system they had here which allowed me to view my schedule, my hospitalization costs, my blood test results and i could even pick my food for the next day. I grew to like the place.

The initialization page. you can scan the wrist tag to log in conveniently (via NFC).

Picking my food for the next day

All the medicine I was given for the day

My blood test results

Hospitalization expenses to-date

I love how they had a variety of food and gave drinks in many of the meals. I was finally able to break free of korean food and have bread for breakfast!

I was growing and with all the swelling, I was slowly putting on weight again. There were still times when I didn't have much appetite and I could barely finish half of what was served for every meal, but at least I ate for the most part.

Additionally, nampyeon was there by my side. he'd shave apples for me. he'd help my my stay comfortable by bringing pillows for me. he would set up monitors so i could stream shows to watch. he'll put lotions on my cracked legs and arms. he'd bathed me because i wasn't able to do so with my hands in IV drips, and he'll lift me up whenever I need the loo, and i went so very often (every 2hrs or less). he'll buy snacks for me, order pizza, toast and stuff. he'd tell me he loves me everyday and give me hugs. everything he did was the reason i was so reliant on him. i came to realise that he was genuinely caring about me and nothing else, and i was so, so grateful everyday i married the right man. through pregnancy, you can really see a man for what he is. sure, sometimes he'd be a jerk and disappear but i know now that he just has a different way of relieving his stress. i love him and he was my only source of comfort. i can't imagine being in the ward without him anymore.

Staring at the same ceiling wasn't so bad after all. but peace didn't last very long, as usual.