true enough... we were informed the next day that there was a problem with minzy's eyes. it seems that she has gotten some 'rush-type' retinopathy of prematurity - a condition where the blood vessels in the eyes are all screwed up suddenly. they were monitoring her eyes every week because preemies are very likely to suffer from retinopathy due to the oxygen treatment. too much oxygen can be deadly, although the little ones can't be denied oxygen. the doctor who explained to us was not an optician so he roughly told us that she had to be operated on, like it or not. the chances of success was about 60-70% and she could be blind if it fails, or if treatment wasn't administered.
to me... i feel that the eyes are one's most important sense organ... and i couldn't imagine my life if i wasn't able to see. i broke down that night, thinking what minzy's life could be if she couldn't see. nampyeon said we should wait for the optician's diagnosis before we worry too much in advance. but i was so so scared.
11 Jul
the next day, the optician called us and explained the surgery. he said that it was a straightforward procedure - they would use laser treatment to 'stick' the retina in place so it wouldn't move around. the crooked blood vessels had caused the retina to move (i wonder if it was related to the black and white portion of the eye separating as i had seen the other day). as it was laser treatment, there was no cutting involved but she would still need to be completely anaesthesized so that no movement will be involved while she's being treated. however, if this surgery fails, they would have to go with the analogue way of cutting up the eyeball to treat the vessels... i really hope this wouldn't happen.
13 Jul
Minzy's surgery was scheduled at 5pm that day and we were told to come around 3+ to approve and sign the papers. we only set off about 3 though, and at about 4pm they told us that they would start the surgery early since the previous surgery ended earlier than expected. in the end we reached around 4.30 but the surgery was already in place.
the doctor said that the surgery would be fast - 30mins was all they need. we waited till about 5.30pm before asking if everything was ok as it was way past 30mins. they forgot to mention the beginning and the ending tidying would require 30mins as well. i was going to pump but held it in since i thought it would be done fast but in the end i went to pump around 530, and the surgery finished at 5.40pm. i had to keep my pump inside and rushed up to the treatment area, as i didn't want to miss accompanying minzy back to NICU - the nurse mentioned we could do that when surgery was over.
the doctor explained the surgery to us, but it wasn't great news. her blood vessels were all messed up but they had done all they could. the good thing was she didn't have any vessels bursting or bleeding in the eye, which would have worsened the situation. the bad thing was it was more messed up than expected, and they will have to check again in a week to see if the vessels were able to untangle themselves post-surgery. if it doesn't, she would have to go through the analogue surgery... which had a very high failure rate... which would result in blindness should it fail...
there was still a week left and nampyeon assured me that we still should not worry too early... because if it does happen... we will have the rest of our lives worrying about it... and he said... that minzy has been so unfortunate so far... that perhaps something good will happen. surely, she can't be having unfortunate things happening to her all the way?
i'm not sure if i should feel assured. but my heart broke when i saw minzy that day. whilst she was free of needles on her hands just 3 days before... she now had needles on both her hands - one feeding blood in. she was breathing fine before but due to surgery, she moved back to breathing tube. her left leg had been poked for blood test and was in a tiny bandage, and the oxygen monitor moved to her right leg. she had patches on her eyes to prevent light post-surgery, but they said it would be removed around 10pm. she had started eating again, after starving for almost a day due to the surgery.
just 3 days before... she was doing well. she was doing so well, i thought it would be the end of her suffering but it was not. i don't know why heavens could be so cruel to a baby. could it be my punishment to see her like this?
baby minzy didn't move as much, but she still moved a little as the anaesthesia wore off, wriggling her leg and sucking on the tubes. she didn't move her hands this time... it must be in pain from all the new injections T_T
trying her best to eat? that little lips.
noticed that her hair is developing a funny pattern..
poor baby.. she doesn't even know what's happening to her. but she's being subjected to a cage, injections after injections, pain... still, she keeps on kicking her little legs, waving her little hands. perhaps it is bliss to not know at all... please let her suffering come to an end with this T_T i have been a bad mother... but i will make it up to her for the rest of her life.
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