Returning grief

It was week 22.

I couldn't sleep the whole night as my nose was clogged. I could barely notice the contractions going on since they were mild but i was pretty sure they were quite frequent. The doctors decided to take off my Magnesium sulfate iv drip since my contractions were irregular. While doing that they took a sample of my blood for a regular blood test from my feet (they couldn't draw it from my hands since both had drips and it would be inaccurate), then poked a new hole on my right arm to replace the 4days old hole on the left. I went to relieve myself and noticed a slight brown spotting but just went back to bed since it didn't seem serious.

After finally being able to sleep for about an hr, i felt something warm gushing from the underside. I got up and went to the toilet to check to find that my whole panty liner was soaked with brown discharge. I called the nurse from the toilet and they came to pick me up in a wheelchair and sent me to the delivery room to check. I had an internal ultrasound scan and the doc told me it was the waters from our first baby. I told her my contractions were getting regular but she sent me back to the ward and said to keep monitoring the water breakage. I was dripped with lavobar to stall the contractions but i was uneasy with the lack of information on my status. Thank goodness my doctor came to clarify with us about an hr later and told us that it was normal for the waters to break and the twins were not affected in any other way, nor was my cervix length. She also said that there may be blood discharge or i may see skin and even parts of the baby coming out but since my contractions were not painful wouldn't need to worry about the twins coming out anytime soon. I was put on 16ml of Lavobar to control the contractions.

I thought i was over my lost baby but suddenly all the emotions kept coming back to me. Was i going to see my lost child in 1 piece at the end? Was it going to keep decomposing inside? I felt painful when i think about how the baby must have felt inside when it was living its last moments and began tearing.

I had the hardest night that day after I moved to this ward. Coupled with the returning grief, i was unable to breathe properly as though something was latched on my right rib. My nose was stuck due to the dry air and dried blood inside. I was trembling and my heart was racing due to the drip. I probably only slept 1 hr because everytime i felt like i was falling asleep, i needed to pee and i had to go through the whole getting myself to sleep phase again.

Settling down

23 - 26 Apr

The next few days were repetitive. I was on drips but i wasn't sad anymore. I was able to laugh and talk with the nurses and i thought my pain had been driven away. I was able to forget about my lost child and i didn't cry for a long time. One of the nurses said that she was surprised that i was cheery because they had been told that i had a weak heart. Sure, the nurses screwed up a few times with the mistakes made in my needle change but i was unfazed.

I had clogged nose and nosebleeds but it was bearable. I was also swelling like a balloon with all the drips, unable to move comfortably around.

There was a day when I couldn't pass motion properly and the sides of my stomach hurt. The doctors found accumulated waters inside via ultrasound but they sent me for MRI as they suspected appendicitis inflammation. It actually got better after I was able to pass motion but i still went through the scanning just to have a peace of mind. Thankfully, nothing was found but we had to pay about 450 for the scan. it was a momentary scare but everything was fine eventually and the pain didn't come back again.

Anyways, i had nampyeon with me, good food, great environment and i was happy for a while. I appreciated the medical system they had here which allowed me to view my schedule, my hospitalization costs, my blood test results and i could even pick my food for the next day. I grew to like the place.

The initialization page. you can scan the wrist tag to log in conveniently (via NFC).

Picking my food for the next day

All the medicine I was given for the day

My blood test results

Hospitalization expenses to-date

I love how they had a variety of food and gave drinks in many of the meals. I was finally able to break free of korean food and have bread for breakfast!

I was growing and with all the swelling, I was slowly putting on weight again. There were still times when I didn't have much appetite and I could barely finish half of what was served for every meal, but at least I ate for the most part.

Additionally, nampyeon was there by my side. he'd shave apples for me. he'd help my my stay comfortable by bringing pillows for me. he would set up monitors so i could stream shows to watch. he'll put lotions on my cracked legs and arms. he'd bathed me because i wasn't able to do so with my hands in IV drips, and he'll lift me up whenever I need the loo, and i went so very often (every 2hrs or less). he'll buy snacks for me, order pizza, toast and stuff. he'd tell me he loves me everyday and give me hugs. everything he did was the reason i was so reliant on him. i came to realise that he was genuinely caring about me and nothing else, and i was so, so grateful everyday i married the right man. through pregnancy, you can really see a man for what he is. sure, sometimes he'd be a jerk and disappear but i know now that he just has a different way of relieving his stress. i love him and he was my only source of comfort. i can't imagine being in the ward without him anymore.

Staring at the same ceiling wasn't so bad after all. but peace didn't last very long, as usual.

In isolation

Being mentally broken and unable to think straight i begged the doctor to let me go home. They had come in and told me the contractions might be happening due to my first loss, but the twins had no intention of coming out and i shouldn't be worried. At that point of time i really believed that my emotional torture might have aggravated my contractions. I called nampyeon and begged him to take me out of this hell, and assured him there would be a higher probability of me lasting till wk 25 at home than in this hell. I couldn't make a solid assessment, i was so wallowed in self pity i began blaming my twins for causing this. They took my first baby's life away and i was standing on a thin eggshell now. I couldn't find a reason for myself to keep holding on.

That day, nampyeon came in for the daily visit and gave me a wake-up call. I was gonna be shifted to a normal ward where there was no restrictions on visitors. However he warned me that it would be more dangerous since people would be flowing in and out, and i wouldn't have the detailed care i was supposed to get in this high risk ward. Tbh i didn't really care that i was whining like a child. Nampyeon told me that i wasn't the only one alone in this ward - there were several other mothers who were there without support as well. I came to realise just what a weak-ass i was and felt ashamed. If the other moms could do it, why couldn't i? Why did i have to drag nampyeon into my woes too when i should have handled it myself? I was suddenly afraid that nampyeon would see me as a baggage and i thought maybe it would be best to remain in the high risk ward after all. But I also knew that i couldn't do it because the loss of our first bothered me so much i didn't have the mental capacity to think properly anymore. i just wasn't strong enough.

It was too late anyway. I was arranged to switch ward and another mom's name had been placed on my quarters. I regretted a while. There was a nurse who consoled and gave me solace at this ward, and tried to make my stay comfortable while i was deep in wallow. She hugged me and told me i would be welcome back anytime.

We were first allocated to a 5person ward which seemed messy and crowded. Thankfully the 2 person ward was cleared at the same time so i moved there instead. I had a nice window view with a broad corner. There was a even a monitor with tv programs and information on myself (my schedule, medicine, food, test results etc). Nampyeon couod sleep on the pull-up chair beside me. For the first time in a while i could actually smile. I felt relieved and comfortable and no longer stressed about being alone and subjected to all the pains. I could even pick what i want to eat for all my subsequent meals through the monitor's health system. I actually was relieved that in spite of my clouded view i made the decision to move. The doctors came later on and noticed that i was much brighter and didn't insist on getting discharged. I finally felt like i was able to recuperate better here now.

Our 3 year anniversary

21 Weeks

This was probably the first time i took an ambulance. Nampyeon quickly packed up in the morning and i was wheeled and shuffled to Bundang SNUH, a 10mins drive away. The admission and testing area was chaotic upon our arrival - there were many patients bundled around waiting to get tested so they could be hospitalised. I had to go through a heart test, xray, blood test and urine test before i got assigned to a ward. They changed my needles since it was expiring today as well as the drip i was on to their packaging (the contents were the same... was it even necessary zzz). I was by myself for the whole day till about 3-4pm where nampyeon came in for a while and then went off to get dinner for me.

I realised that i was warded at the high risk mom area where visitors were only allowed for 2hrs a day at fixed times. I was reassessed and assigned 1 more needle because the new med (magnesium sulphate) could not be dripped together with antibotics. I had to monitor my urine flow by measuring them everytime i use the toilet, and record all my intakes and outputs. I was not trembling since Lavobar was off but my hands burned when the drip came on, and i couldn't move my hands properly because the new needles were poked near the joints. With one needle on each hand, it was tough to do anything properly without help.

Nampyeon came in with my dinner but was told he had to leave since it wasn't visiting times yet. I was severely weak emotionally and physically and started crying with self-pity, and the nurses eventually allowed him to have dinner with me before i got worse. I realised i had been so reliant on nampyeon that i wasn't able to handle this new situation by myself. I was alone, i had no support and i was in pain all over. I couldn't sleep the whole night - my contractions were frequent, i had a clogged nose from bleeding and dried air. My hands burned with the drip. Whenever i thought i could fall asleep, i needed to pee and had to wash all the measuring basin while in the toilet. My legs were numb from the swelling, and my heart felt blocked, making me harder to breathe (side effects of magnesium). The bed was hard and no matter how many positions i changed i couldn't get comfortable without my back, butt or my srm getting numb. When i return to my bed i was no longer sleepy and had to go through the clogged nose and burning pain again to make myself sleep. It was so so difficult to fall asleep. I tried to look for a nurse but at 3am there wasn't anyone in sight and i didn't know where the emergency button was at. I hung on and cried until 5am when the nurses made their rounds and i got reassessed for my contractions.

I was dripped with Lavobar and magnesium this time. The contractions got better and i was so tired i managed to sleep for a good hour at the end at 7am the next day. It was the longest and the worse day of my life. And it was our 3 year anniversary that day.

Getting warded... immediately.

20 weeks.

We called Yongin Severance but no one picked up since it was a PH and we eventually decided to just get warded at Bundang Yeoseong instead, since they picked up the call almost immediately. 2hours later i was at the hopital and after the fetal movement checks, the doctor advised for me to be hospitalised immediately. I had packed my stuff and was ready to receive medical attention. The good thing was nampyeon could stay with me and i didn't need any corona test. The hospital obviously cared more about the emotional well-being of moms more than tertiary institutions. I was also surprised their food improved so much (due to a change in caterer). Every meal seem so well-designed and tasted heavenly! It looked normal but the taste was unlike other dishes that had the same outlook.

duck meat!

For the whole week i was dripped on Lavobar and had the levels adjusted whenever i felt more pains or when the intervals got shortened. I had nampyeon by my side who helped me to the toilet since i was trembling terribly from the drip's side effects. He entertained me and installed Stardew valley so we could continue gaming since there was nothing i could do while bed ridden. However i couldn't game for very long - my babies must have hated it because my contractions came on whenever i was on my phone, and i could barely play an hr or so.

In our 5person-ward, there was only another lady with us. She had twins like me and early contractions. I noticed she was sniffling occasionally.. and i realised she might have lost her child in her triplet set like me. She had someone accompanying her who would console her to not cry and be brave and i heard it all. It was actually minimally consoling to know i was not the only one going through such a mess. I could identify with her sniffles, because I, too, made the same sounds just every once and then.

After almost a week there i was scheduled to have an ultrasound to check the baby's condition. I was hit with a new bout of bad news. One of our twins had a hole in her heart and this hospital wasn't equipped to handle it. Additionally they were not able to purge my contractions at their current medical level. The doctor urged us to transfer to a tertiary hospital with the correct specialists early next day.

an unexpected passing

I was looking forward to my detailed Ultrasound because i would be able to see my babies' genders. The doctor's expression wasn't so good when he started to spoke though.

'첫째 아기가 잘 못 된것 닽아요 - My eldest baby seems to have gone wrong.' Till now, I can never forget what he said. 'It doesn't have a heartbeat.' At first i thought ok something may have gone wrong but they could fix it couldn't they? But he told me 'The baby is dead. We don't know why, it may have been born with a weak stature from the beginning.'

How can this be? My eldest was the most healthiest, biggest, with the strongest heartbeat. How could it have been weak? I didn't understand. They could not diagnose further. The doctor said the only thing they can check now is if the remains of it will affect the other 2 through a blood test, and if i was having contractions again. However since it was in a separate sac, it was unlikely to affect.

I started to cry as the sentence sank in. One of my babies died. The doctor said I should be hospitalised to monitor but due to the current situation i would need to be hospitalized alone for at least 1 week with no visitors. I refused. I couldn't go in a room alone straightaway by myself for a week without any emotional support. I was a wreck. I cried when i went to the toilet. I cried when nampyeon was settling the bills and i cried when they were drawing my blood for testing.

There were so many regrets that passed through me. Perhaps i should have listened to my FIL and get hospitalized from the start. Perhaps i sat for too long and the the baby was being crushed beneath. Was it too pressured by the twins above? Perhaps i should have requested for a detailed ultrasound all the same on the next day when I last came here for a scan. But all these perhaps... were too late. That night while i slept in between tears i looked out for signs of contractions and i felt a slight squeeze occasionally. I decided i would get warded the next day just in case, even if I needed to be isolated.

Wk 20.. the start of the downturn

This was when my whole nightmare started. I had diarrhea the day before because i left my carrot cake out from the morning and didn't keep it in the fridge. I ate it at night for dinner and it tasted slightly weird. This was probably the worst decision I've ever made... and I'm not sure if this was the trigger factor but I'm sure it had something to do with what follows after.

Feeling uneasy, i called for a checkup just the next day. Our main doctor wasn't there and the lady who took over just did a quick scan of each baby's heartbeat, as well as my cervix length. They put me in the contractions room to monitor my tummy movements and said that i seem to be having slight contractions (eventho i couldn't feel anything abnormal). I was placed on IV drip for about an hour with a device in my hand to press should i feel anything weird. I didn't, and ended up not pressing anything. The only thing i felt was my throat drying up when they linked the drips and i kept coughing.

At the end i was told that i could leave but i would need to do a Corona test - it involves sticking a stick about 70% the length of a pocky down my nose to retrieve the mucus at the back, and a cotton swab of whatever it is at the back of my mouth. I was told to stay home till they called me for the results. Of course i was negative for Corona.

I was supposed to have a detailed ultrasound of my babies on the 7th but it was postponed a week later since the rough ultrasound indicated normality. During this week i carried on activities per normal - working on Photoshop, playing games, taking noon naps and staying up late (till 4am). Looking back, late nights and long hours of sitting may even have been contributing factors.

There was nothing out of the normal.