In isolation

Being mentally broken and unable to think straight i begged the doctor to let me go home. They had come in and told me the contractions might be happening due to my first loss, but the twins had no intention of coming out and i shouldn't be worried. At that point of time i really believed that my emotional torture might have aggravated my contractions. I called nampyeon and begged him to take me out of this hell, and assured him there would be a higher probability of me lasting till wk 25 at home than in this hell. I couldn't make a solid assessment, i was so wallowed in self pity i began blaming my twins for causing this. They took my first baby's life away and i was standing on a thin eggshell now. I couldn't find a reason for myself to keep holding on.

That day, nampyeon came in for the daily visit and gave me a wake-up call. I was gonna be shifted to a normal ward where there was no restrictions on visitors. However he warned me that it would be more dangerous since people would be flowing in and out, and i wouldn't have the detailed care i was supposed to get in this high risk ward. Tbh i didn't really care that i was whining like a child. Nampyeon told me that i wasn't the only one alone in this ward - there were several other mothers who were there without support as well. I came to realise just what a weak-ass i was and felt ashamed. If the other moms could do it, why couldn't i? Why did i have to drag nampyeon into my woes too when i should have handled it myself? I was suddenly afraid that nampyeon would see me as a baggage and i thought maybe it would be best to remain in the high risk ward after all. But I also knew that i couldn't do it because the loss of our first bothered me so much i didn't have the mental capacity to think properly anymore. i just wasn't strong enough.

It was too late anyway. I was arranged to switch ward and another mom's name had been placed on my quarters. I regretted a while. There was a nurse who consoled and gave me solace at this ward, and tried to make my stay comfortable while i was deep in wallow. She hugged me and told me i would be welcome back anytime.

We were first allocated to a 5person ward which seemed messy and crowded. Thankfully the 2 person ward was cleared at the same time so i moved there instead. I had a nice window view with a broad corner. There was a even a monitor with tv programs and information on myself (my schedule, medicine, food, test results etc). Nampyeon couod sleep on the pull-up chair beside me. For the first time in a while i could actually smile. I felt relieved and comfortable and no longer stressed about being alone and subjected to all the pains. I could even pick what i want to eat for all my subsequent meals through the monitor's health system. I actually was relieved that in spite of my clouded view i made the decision to move. The doctors came later on and noticed that i was much brighter and didn't insist on getting discharged. I finally felt like i was able to recuperate better here now.