Returning grief

It was week 22.

I couldn't sleep the whole night as my nose was clogged. I could barely notice the contractions going on since they were mild but i was pretty sure they were quite frequent. The doctors decided to take off my Magnesium sulfate iv drip since my contractions were irregular. While doing that they took a sample of my blood for a regular blood test from my feet (they couldn't draw it from my hands since both had drips and it would be inaccurate), then poked a new hole on my right arm to replace the 4days old hole on the left. I went to relieve myself and noticed a slight brown spotting but just went back to bed since it didn't seem serious.

After finally being able to sleep for about an hr, i felt something warm gushing from the underside. I got up and went to the toilet to check to find that my whole panty liner was soaked with brown discharge. I called the nurse from the toilet and they came to pick me up in a wheelchair and sent me to the delivery room to check. I had an internal ultrasound scan and the doc told me it was the waters from our first baby. I told her my contractions were getting regular but she sent me back to the ward and said to keep monitoring the water breakage. I was dripped with lavobar to stall the contractions but i was uneasy with the lack of information on my status. Thank goodness my doctor came to clarify with us about an hr later and told us that it was normal for the waters to break and the twins were not affected in any other way, nor was my cervix length. She also said that there may be blood discharge or i may see skin and even parts of the baby coming out but since my contractions were not painful wouldn't need to worry about the twins coming out anytime soon. I was put on 16ml of Lavobar to control the contractions.

I thought i was over my lost baby but suddenly all the emotions kept coming back to me. Was i going to see my lost child in 1 piece at the end? Was it going to keep decomposing inside? I felt painful when i think about how the baby must have felt inside when it was living its last moments and began tearing.

I had the hardest night that day after I moved to this ward. Coupled with the returning grief, i was unable to breathe properly as though something was latched on my right rib. My nose was stuck due to the dry air and dried blood inside. I was trembling and my heart was racing due to the drip. I probably only slept 1 hr because everytime i felt like i was falling asleep, i needed to pee and i had to go through the whole getting myself to sleep phase again.