an unexpected passing

I was looking forward to my detailed Ultrasound because i would be able to see my babies' genders. The doctor's expression wasn't so good when he started to spoke though.

'첫째 아기가 잘 못 된것 닽아요 - My eldest baby seems to have gone wrong.' Till now, I can never forget what he said. 'It doesn't have a heartbeat.' At first i thought ok something may have gone wrong but they could fix it couldn't they? But he told me 'The baby is dead. We don't know why, it may have been born with a weak stature from the beginning.'

How can this be? My eldest was the most healthiest, biggest, with the strongest heartbeat. How could it have been weak? I didn't understand. They could not diagnose further. The doctor said the only thing they can check now is if the remains of it will affect the other 2 through a blood test, and if i was having contractions again. However since it was in a separate sac, it was unlikely to affect.

I started to cry as the sentence sank in. One of my babies died. The doctor said I should be hospitalised to monitor but due to the current situation i would need to be hospitalized alone for at least 1 week with no visitors. I refused. I couldn't go in a room alone straightaway by myself for a week without any emotional support. I was a wreck. I cried when i went to the toilet. I cried when nampyeon was settling the bills and i cried when they were drawing my blood for testing.

There were so many regrets that passed through me. Perhaps i should have listened to my FIL and get hospitalized from the start. Perhaps i sat for too long and the the baby was being crushed beneath. Was it too pressured by the twins above? Perhaps i should have requested for a detailed ultrasound all the same on the next day when I last came here for a scan. But all these perhaps... were too late. That night while i slept in between tears i looked out for signs of contractions and i felt a slight squeeze occasionally. I decided i would get warded the next day just in case, even if I needed to be isolated.