Minzy's second surgery...

31st May

Nampyeon woke up with a good dream - he walked in NICU and found Minzy all big and healthy, and she was moving all her limbs. We thought it might be a good sign and called NICU to check if Minzy put on weight.

Unfortunately, reality turned out to be so much different. Her weight dropped by 20g to 540g... and nothing else changed T_T

In fact, what added on to our worries was the return call at 1.20pm. The doctor told us to visit immediately as they were scheduling an emergency surgery for her. They suspected rupturing of her organs due to gas accumulation but they were not sure where since it couldn't be seen via x-ray. they had to open her up to check which area was ruptured. We ended up taking bus all the way over. The doctor couldn't wait for our consent on paper and had to proceed before we arrived, around 4pm. When we reached, it was already 5pm. they told us that a simple operation would take an hour, but if they are unable to find the cause it would take 3hrs. we prayed that it would be a simple operation.

thankfully it ended around 5+pm, and we were able to see Minzy after they wrapped up the operation. the surgeon told us that an obstruction was found in her intestines, which blocked her ability to pass faeces. they had to cut off the connection and bring the intestines outside, so that poop can be passed directly from the intestines and into a bag. to put the intestines back, Minzy would have to be at least 2.5-3kg. she'd have to live with her intestines hanging out till then :((

Minzy was still asleep from the operation, but she looked like one huge mess. the first thing i saw was about 10machines hooked on her (there was so many it stacked from the floor to the ceiling) - blood pressure medicine, 3 different types of antibodies (that goddamn fungus infection..), nutrients, stabilizer, etc.

At first she was covered up with a blanket from neck onwards, so it didn't look so bad. but after that the nurse came in to adjust her and removed the blanket, and i could see the tip of her intestines poking out of her stomach and into a PU bag. her eyes were taped so that tears would not be generated from all her blinking. her limbs were all taped up from the drips... and she had slight bleeding from all the new IV injections. somehow her ears look bloated and she wasn't moving at all. her head was bandaged so they could attach a new monitoring device which checks the oxygen level and blood pressure. her blood pressure was low (about 43, but it dropped to 35 while i was there) and they needed to feed medicine to raise it. the doctor says that these 3 days would be the most critical period to see if she could hold up. she was so tiny... my heart broke for her T_T

i lingered around till the nurses told me they had to do a blood test (gosh, thank goodness they were drawing it from one of the bigger IV holes), and was too traumatized to take any photos. nampyeon, on the other hand, took photos and he commented that they seem to be making a cyborg out of her with all the wires around. i'm so sorry minzy...... T_T

nampyeon comforted me by saying that since she was under stabilizing medicine, she probably wouldn't feel pain since she'd be in dream land. i really hope that she would be having a nice candy dream, not shocked back into this painful reality. i was hopeful, because nampyeon had a good dream. i was sure i'd be able to see his dream someday.

Resting place

30 May 

You know how the government desperately wants you to have kids when they give you lots of stuff to celebrate the birth of your babies. we received 2 boxes full of things needed for baby life - a mommy bag, baby swaddlers, thermometers, napkins, clothes, pillows etc. they were very cutely designed and i really appreciate the thoughtfulness of the local province. of course, one box was for Linzy and the other for Minzy. they were nice enough to give 2 boxes of different things for us. i really hope i get to use them when Minzy is discharged.

also, we decided to split the flowers from charis into different pots, since we didn't have one that was big enough for the whole basket. we placed 1 in the kitchen, 1 in the living room and 2 along our 2nd floor corridor.

i really don't know how to keep plants and i hope they can last longer in their new pots. but it seems that some stalks were already withering. nampyeon kept saying that florists must be people who don't like flowers... because if they do, why would they pluck the flowers from their environment and shorten their life?

i guess it's because they didn't know that most of the people who receive flowers don't really know how to care for them... if not the flowers wouldn't have such a short life... well, at least there was a point in their life where they were most beautiful and most valuable, and they brought happiness to someone.


while organizing my things i came across the first ultrasound scan i had that had just 2 embryos. at first i kept thinking that Kinzy and Linzy were my original embryos and Minzy was the 3rd child brought about by Linzy. however i realised that it was not so. Linzy was actually the 3rd child brought about by Minzy, in fact. She was the weakest of the 3 with the lightest weight, and she had a hole in her heart. I remembered because the doctor looked in detail for a long long time at her hollow heart, on my right stomach. however, towards the last 2 months of pregnancy, she suddenly grew bigger than everyone else. i was told the baby on the right side was bigger as well. that was when the doctor suspected TTTS, since she was always about 30g heavier than Minzy. however, that 30g actually doesn't mean anything. it was just normal for twins to have different weight, as long as they are not too far off, and the weights are monitored closely for any disparity.

When Linzy was born, she was at 450g and Minzy at 430g. Minzy is actually our 2nd embryo. it was unfornate that the sister she brought out didn't survive with her. she must have wanted a sibling so much. the twins must have grieved when Kinzy passed on. they must have been distressed in my womb, when their dead sibling was just a membrane away.

knowing that the 2 embryos weren't the ones who went to heaven... i decided to change my picture so all of us could be together, forever, at least in this tiny space in our house.

this was the only photo i have where the triplets were captured together. i remembered how elated i was when i saw them all together. i had received a bunch of  20 other photos together with this, were each baby were scanned and printed for me everytime i went for ultrasound. this was the picture i wanted to post to announce my joy.

it's ok. mommy and daddy will always have the three of you pictured together, in our hearts.

A chinese feast

28 May

Nampyeon woke up with me for pumping sessions that day. he had actually tried to wake and help me with pumping every night, washing the parts for me so that i could finish and sleep longer. sometimes he was forgetful and he would leave the parts in the kettle, so i wasn't able to pump immediately but had to wait for them to dry in our steriliser. i'd get angry at him and i almost cried at him once because i was so frustrated at having to wake up at 3am, just to wait 20-30mins for the items to be dried and UVed. i lacked sleep and it wasn't putting me in the correct state of mind.

today, however, after the quarrel yesterday, i was able to sleep within 5-10mins of lying in bed. i had already given up on my alarms, relying on my bodily reaction to wake up. i'd pee every 2.5-3hrs if i drink after every session, and my boobs would fill up and start hurting at regular times. there was really no need for alarms anymore. sure, there were times when i'd wake up after 4 or 5hours, but i didn't care anymore. the fatigue was getting to me, and i figure i'd just be more diligent during the day instead to press out the lumps, and have more ice pack therapy.

nampyeon woke up after a pretty good dream. he saw kinzy and linzy in his dreams, but they became our future son. i wonder why my babies never appeared in my dreams, but frequently appeared in his.

we woke up just 10mins before we were supposed to get out. we had a lunch appointment with his sister and his sister hates it when we are late. fortunately, i was able to get ready in less than 10mins. i had already given up washing myself so i just changed and used toner pads to freshen myself. i had placed my new breastfeeding clothes from taobao in the airdresser yesterday so i just slipped on one of them. i could do the pumping in the car since the journey was about 1.5hrs to seoul.

i was so so glad his sister arranged for this meal. it was an authentic chinese meal at last! to top it off, the meal was pure luxury. i love every dishes they had. we went for the course meal and it was about 160k won per person. i actually wouldn't pay that much for a meal but his sister was treating so it was all awesome.

the side dishes given were szechuan vege, pickled cucumbers and cashew nuts. we had freeflow chinese tea.

to start off, we had shark's fins!!! i have never seen such a big piece of fin in my life...

fried scallops!

sea cucumber with crystal dumpling. dumpling was unxpectedly so-so.

marinated beef slices. i was already 90% full at this point

and they said that noodle/rice would be served. there was 3 options so we got one of each. the noodles used in jamppong and jajangmyeon was so nice! the flavour was clean and fresh. i'd totally recommend the jajangmyeon!

i love the dessert too. it was tangerine puree with sago, topped with longans.

i realised that we had to pay additional to eat in a room. each room was labeled with a chinese flower ingredient.

i'm sad to leave this place.

i went home to finally open up the flower box that charis had sent me. it came yesterday but i was so out of it i hadn't had time to look at it.

the bunch of flowers on the left had specks of blue stalks inside and reminded me of the bouquet i used during my wedding. this was probably the first supportive present i've received... knowing that not many knew about what i was facing. it was comforting and it was nice to know that there was someone who cared enough to send me this... to make me feel better. i was not a flower person but it was still nice to receive them once in a while.

A date once in a while

28 May

Since the cremation, we've had piano music switched on for the babies when they were alone in the room. Previously we played disney music from here:

they went on for 6-8hours so it could usually last through the night. we played normal lullabies as well:

I played kpop piano music and some songs were actually pretty upbeat so i wasn't so sad when i hear them.

but that morning i decided that i was straying too far from baby music and decided to go back to lullabies, after my pumping session.

wrong choice.

it brought back memories of days before the cremation, and of the cremation itself, and i started tearing again, while lying in bed. unfortunately nampyeon had to come in after that and caught me in the act. he asked me why i was sad again, and said that Kinzy and Linzy were fortunate to have a mom who remembers.

but they were not... i was responsible for their passing. there was no way to forget. even so, i couldn't let the memories tie me down. jackie told me that breastmilk contains hormones, and i wasn't supposed to pass the pessimistic hormones to Minzy.

i was looking at redecorating our rooms to make space for Minzy when she comes home, and nampyeon suggested visiting ikea. we wanted to buy more wardrobes as well - nampyeon says i just have too many clothes and they were all over the place (that is so not true.. i do stack my stuff neatly). thank goodness there was one at giheung, which was just 15mins away by taxi. we decided to head out and take a look at furniture. we came out around 4pm, which was a little late so we only took a quick tour before settling our dinner at the bistro. due to the virus, there was no queue at the bistro and there was barely any people (but there was still people).

there was a new mall just opposite ikea and nampyeon wanted to visit that. before that we stopped at ikea's pump area. ever since i had to pump, i took interest in looking at the different pumping areas different places have to offer. i had been pumping at home and the hospital, so i was mildly intrigued with the cute design ikea has for the feeding room.

i think it's nice that owners try to make the feeding room as welcoming and as homely as possible for both moms and kids. it makes the whole experience friendly and relaxing.

anyway we went over to the opposite mall and we regretted coming so late...

the mall had so so so many furniture shops and huge, unique cafes! this one totally caught our attention and we couldn't help stopping here for a quick rest. (actually my legs were already hurting from the 1hr walk around ikea)

they have this ferrero puff at only 1.8k won. a total must-try. the red velvet coconut cookie was pretty nice too (but not very red velvety)

it was actually quite nice to watch the little fishes swim by while having a drink. we started to think about what the fishes must be thinking as they swim in the tank... they were pretty much the same as us in quarantine since there's nothing for them to do in that fixed area except to move, eat, shit and sleep. fishes like goldfish with only a 5secs memory would probably not get tired of this life, since everything they do for the interval of 5secs was new to them?

the cafe wasn't fully built, as 40% of the tanks were still empty and not opened up. we will definitely come back again!

we didn't finish exploring the mall, but there were 2 other huge cafes at the basement - the teddy cafe and the harry potter fan cafe.

the teddy cafe has huge bears in different superhero costumes and you could sit with bears for your tea time.

decided to take a selfie with the super big bear in front of the cafe. thank goodness for masks because i look so terrible.

lastly we took a stroll in harry potter cafe. there's magic show at 2 set times (1.30pm and 4.30pm, but we've already missed the last timing). wonder what performance is done...

unfortunately i think the cafe has much to improve on. there's so much more they could do! i guess it's still not fully set up since we still see a lot of empty and big spaces. perhaps we'll try their pizza next time.

my leg was in a super bad state by this time and i was limping so we couldn't explore further. the good thing is the mall was close to our neighbourhood so we could just come back next time. before leaving, here's a photo of the waiting area just outside toilet -

it's definitely a furniture mall...

Alone

27 May

I woke up in the morning and kept myself busy. I did laundry, changed my bedsheets while nampyeon made Day 1 tonic for me to drink. My babies were in a fresh room now.

My sister sent me confinement tonic and i had only started drinking yesterday. there were 2 other tonics before Day 1, to be drunk immediately after delivery. but i was already 2 weeks late. still, i drank as if i had just started confinement.

i sat in the kitchen and often stared dazedly at our backyard. it was filled with lush greenery, with people playing golf just beyond the fence. i wonder if Minzy will ever see this with me someday. we received letters addressed to my twins from the provincial offices congratulating us on the birth of Linzy and Minzy, and offering us birth packages and bonuses.

when you register your babies, they even gave presents such as baby books to congratulate you. i have 2 sets of these, but there's no one i can read to now.

i had presents from the hospital for Minzy yesterday, probably given by followers of christianity - given that the book contents had bible quotes and verses.

just looking at all these... i suddenly just felt very sorry for myself and for my babies. i had delivered but i had no babies to take home with me. i had no congratulations except the default packages generated from the provincial offices that triggers on birth registry. did they know Linzy is no longer with me? Kinzy wasn't even recognised at birth, since she passed away long before she was even born. did they know Minzy is struggling in NICU, and she can't see her parents more than once a week? would Minzy be able to embrace all her gifts in the end?

while many of the people around me advised minimising movements, not doing housework and generally spending time resting, i did not have the luxury to do that. i had no housekeeper, i had no confinement nanny. i had no babies. i didn't deserve any helpers at all. in between housework, i had to pump milk every 3 hours and take care of my meals myself. it takes about 50mins to pump each time, with preparation and washing of the parts. this means i had to wake up every 2-2.5hrs in fact, at night.

i wept by myself in the kitchen. nampyeon was busy handling csl stuff upstairs and he wasn't even able to have lunch with me nor help me with housework. whenever he was busy everything i asked or said irritated him so i could only do things by myself that day. i made this whole mess and it was no use feeling sorry for myself. i needed to be strong for Minzy. we made a quick trip to the hospital to send the diapers over that day since it arrived. on the way home, we stopped at the emart area for dinner.

unfortunately the wind was cold and my knees were hurting. i wasn't able to walk for very long and we had to eat quickly and get home quickly. when i went home to pump i realised that nampyeon had mistakenly sent the BM that contained the first squeeze (we collected all the first squeeze in a single pack). i told him to call the hospital and he suddenly got mad at me, saying that i should have packed the BM properly. i packed the BM, but he was the one who checked the second time and placed the leftovers in. he insisted i call to rectify the mistake but i was clearly not the one at fault.

i was so furious and upset that he blamed me for this when he was the one who didn't check properly. it was such a tiny everyday quarrel, but i burst into tears and cried so badly. i was so tired. i was tired of doing so many things by myself. i was not over my babies yet. i didn't have help. and he kept getting irritated and mad at me whenever i asked him to do something, to the point i couldn't even ask him for help anymore.

i know that nampyeon is as stressed as me, having to deal with both work and the babies paper matters, and a depressed wife. but i was hurt both mentally and physically. my legs and hands lost strength - they just couldn't work the same way as before. my heart, and my body is in pain. i had knee guards, ankle guards, elbow guard and wrist guards on myself. my boobs were hurting, i had ice packs on myself. my eyes were red and bulging from all the tears, and my head and stomach hurt.

i was sorry i had to burst out uncontrollably, to my stressed nampyeon. i was sorry he had to comfort me in the end. but i wanted so badly comfort. a place i can rest. a home i can return to. a family who needs me. people who could help me. i felt i had nothing, and i had nothing but pain.