6 June
we called the hospital to check for minzy's weight. she was at 610g and we were elated. though her infection was still there, her blood pressure was stabilizing and she was able to eat again.
that night... we had a short talk when we slept over Linzy's last moments.
of course i wasn't there to witness it, but nampyeon was near at least.
he was confused and still trying to absorb everything that happened. he was actually sleeping while i was giving birth, and was only notified that the delivery was over once everything was a done deal.
he got to nicu, and the doctors were trying to resuscitate linzy. both the twins were breathing and fine when they left the delivery room, but linzy heartbeat suddenly dropped when she was in nicu.
we realised this only after everything was over, when we started to check what people did when they had preterm deliveries. of course, the cases were far and few, but there were cases when a mom put her baby to her heart, and the baby turned from blue to pink, and eventually survived. there was also a case where nampyeon found, where one of the twin stopped breathing and the nurse suggested putting the baby next to its sibling, and miraculously, the living twin put his hand on his struggling sibling in a hugging action, and the sibling started breathing again.
there was of course not much scientific explanation for these happenings other than the babies feeling familiarity and warmth of where they previously belonged. perhaps in the twins' case - they were always together in the womb and the sudden separation left it struggling.
the thought didn't cross us because we were afraid that whatever we did would have harmed the babies. what if we wanted to hug the baby but instead of doing that, having the doctor resuscitate the baby would have helped it better? nampyeon was in a daze watching the doctors surround linzy, and one of them pressing his hands to her heart. but her heartbeat was zero, and the doctors told him that he should probably give up.
that was when he called me, as i was lying in the recovery area. my baby was dying on me and i was so far away. i couldn't do anything and neither could he. but when he recalled to me that night, he said that he should have probably went over and held linzy as she passed on. perhaps she would have felt her father's warmth as she went away, instead of being surrounded by strangers in a cold, glass incubator.
i teared when i heard his recount. i knew that while i was lying there after my delivery, i was not allowed visitors nor movement, and i could not have made it to linzy's final moments. to be honest, i didn't think that linzy would pass on. i thought she would have hung on, and waited for her mom to come see her. i knew that they wanted us to give up, but i didn't know that once the hand went off she would be gone forever. when i held her, i thought she was just sleeping. but she was gone, and they wouldn't have let me held her if she wasn't.
Showing posts with label triplets. Show all posts
Showing posts with label triplets. Show all posts
Saturday, June 06, 2020
Saturday, May 30, 2020
Resting place
30 May
You know how the government desperately wants you to have kids when they give you lots of stuff to celebrate the birth of your babies. we received 2 boxes full of things needed for baby life - a mommy bag, baby swaddlers, thermometers, napkins, clothes, pillows etc. they were very cutely designed and i really appreciate the thoughtfulness of the local province. of course, one box was for Linzy and the other for Minzy. they were nice enough to give 2 boxes of different things for us. i really hope i get to use them when Minzy is discharged.
also, we decided to split the flowers from charis into different pots, since we didn't have one that was big enough for the whole basket. we placed 1 in the kitchen, 1 in the living room and 2 along our 2nd floor corridor.
i really don't know how to keep plants and i hope they can last longer in their new pots. but it seems that some stalks were already withering. nampyeon kept saying that florists must be people who don't like flowers... because if they do, why would they pluck the flowers from their environment and shorten their life?
i guess it's because they didn't know that most of the people who receive flowers don't really know how to care for them... if not the flowers wouldn't have such a short life... well, at least there was a point in their life where they were most beautiful and most valuable, and they brought happiness to someone.
while organizing my things i came across the first ultrasound scan i had that had just 2 embryos. at first i kept thinking that Kinzy and Linzy were my original embryos and Minzy was the 3rd child brought about by Linzy. however i realised that it was not so. Linzy was actually the 3rd child brought about by Minzy, in fact. She was the weakest of the 3 with the lightest weight, and she had a hole in her heart. I remembered because the doctor looked in detail for a long long time at her hollow heart, on my right stomach. however, towards the last 2 months of pregnancy, she suddenly grew bigger than everyone else. i was told the baby on the right side was bigger as well. that was when the doctor suspected TTTS, since she was always about 30g heavier than Minzy. however, that 30g actually doesn't mean anything. it was just normal for twins to have different weight, as long as they are not too far off, and the weights are monitored closely for any disparity.
When Linzy was born, she was at 450g and Minzy at 430g. Minzy is actually our 2nd embryo. it was unfornate that the sister she brought out didn't survive with her. she must have wanted a sibling so much. the twins must have grieved when Kinzy passed on. they must have been distressed in my womb, when their dead sibling was just a membrane away.
knowing that the 2 embryos weren't the ones who went to heaven... i decided to change my picture so all of us could be together, forever, at least in this tiny space in our house.
this was the only photo i have where the triplets were captured together. i remembered how elated i was when i saw them all together. i had received a bunch of 20 other photos together with this, were each baby were scanned and printed for me everytime i went for ultrasound. this was the picture i wanted to post to announce my joy.
it's ok. mommy and daddy will always have the three of you pictured together, in our hearts.
You know how the government desperately wants you to have kids when they give you lots of stuff to celebrate the birth of your babies. we received 2 boxes full of things needed for baby life - a mommy bag, baby swaddlers, thermometers, napkins, clothes, pillows etc. they were very cutely designed and i really appreciate the thoughtfulness of the local province. of course, one box was for Linzy and the other for Minzy. they were nice enough to give 2 boxes of different things for us. i really hope i get to use them when Minzy is discharged.
also, we decided to split the flowers from charis into different pots, since we didn't have one that was big enough for the whole basket. we placed 1 in the kitchen, 1 in the living room and 2 along our 2nd floor corridor.
i really don't know how to keep plants and i hope they can last longer in their new pots. but it seems that some stalks were already withering. nampyeon kept saying that florists must be people who don't like flowers... because if they do, why would they pluck the flowers from their environment and shorten their life?
i guess it's because they didn't know that most of the people who receive flowers don't really know how to care for them... if not the flowers wouldn't have such a short life... well, at least there was a point in their life where they were most beautiful and most valuable, and they brought happiness to someone.
while organizing my things i came across the first ultrasound scan i had that had just 2 embryos. at first i kept thinking that Kinzy and Linzy were my original embryos and Minzy was the 3rd child brought about by Linzy. however i realised that it was not so. Linzy was actually the 3rd child brought about by Minzy, in fact. She was the weakest of the 3 with the lightest weight, and she had a hole in her heart. I remembered because the doctor looked in detail for a long long time at her hollow heart, on my right stomach. however, towards the last 2 months of pregnancy, she suddenly grew bigger than everyone else. i was told the baby on the right side was bigger as well. that was when the doctor suspected TTTS, since she was always about 30g heavier than Minzy. however, that 30g actually doesn't mean anything. it was just normal for twins to have different weight, as long as they are not too far off, and the weights are monitored closely for any disparity.
When Linzy was born, she was at 450g and Minzy at 430g. Minzy is actually our 2nd embryo. it was unfornate that the sister she brought out didn't survive with her. she must have wanted a sibling so much. the twins must have grieved when Kinzy passed on. they must have been distressed in my womb, when their dead sibling was just a membrane away.
knowing that the 2 embryos weren't the ones who went to heaven... i decided to change my picture so all of us could be together, forever, at least in this tiny space in our house.
this was the only photo i have where the triplets were captured together. i remembered how elated i was when i saw them all together. i had received a bunch of 20 other photos together with this, were each baby were scanned and printed for me everytime i went for ultrasound. this was the picture i wanted to post to announce my joy.
it's ok. mommy and daddy will always have the three of you pictured together, in our hearts.
Thursday, May 28, 2020
A date once in a while
28 May
Since the cremation, we've had piano music switched on for the babies when they were alone in the room. Previously we played disney music from here:
they went on for 6-8hours so it could usually last through the night. we played normal lullabies as well:
I played kpop piano music and some songs were actually pretty upbeat so i wasn't so sad when i hear them.
but that morning i decided that i was straying too far from baby music and decided to go back to lullabies, after my pumping session.
wrong choice.
it brought back memories of days before the cremation, and of the cremation itself, and i started tearing again, while lying in bed. unfortunately nampyeon had to come in after that and caught me in the act. he asked me why i was sad again, and said that Kinzy and Linzy were fortunate to have a mom who remembers.
but they were not... i was responsible for their passing. there was no way to forget. even so, i couldn't let the memories tie me down. jackie told me that breastmilk contains hormones, and i wasn't supposed to pass the pessimistic hormones to Minzy.
i was looking at redecorating our rooms to make space for Minzy when she comes home, and nampyeon suggested visiting ikea. we wanted to buy more wardrobes as well - nampyeon says i just have too many clothes and they were all over the place (that is so not true.. i do stack my stuff neatly). thank goodness there was one at giheung, which was just 15mins away by taxi. we decided to head out and take a look at furniture. we came out around 4pm, which was a little late so we only took a quick tour before settling our dinner at the bistro. due to the virus, there was no queue at the bistro and there was barely any people (but there was still people).
there was a new mall just opposite ikea and nampyeon wanted to visit that. before that we stopped at ikea's pump area. ever since i had to pump, i took interest in looking at the different pumping areas different places have to offer. i had been pumping at home and the hospital, so i was mildly intrigued with the cute design ikea has for the feeding room.
i think it's nice that owners try to make the feeding room as welcoming and as homely as possible for both moms and kids. it makes the whole experience friendly and relaxing.
anyway we went over to the opposite mall and we regretted coming so late...
the mall had so so so many furniture shops and huge, unique cafes! this one totally caught our attention and we couldn't help stopping here for a quick rest. (actually my legs were already hurting from the 1hr walk around ikea)
it was actually quite nice to watch the little fishes swim by while having a drink. we started to think about what the fishes must be thinking as they swim in the tank... they were pretty much the same as us in quarantine since there's nothing for them to do in that fixed area except to move, eat, shit and sleep. fishes like goldfish with only a 5secs memory would probably not get tired of this life, since everything they do for the interval of 5secs was new to them?
the cafe wasn't fully built, as 40% of the tanks were still empty and not opened up. we will definitely come back again!
we didn't finish exploring the mall, but there were 2 other huge cafes at the basement - the teddy cafe and the harry potter fan cafe.
the teddy cafe has huge bears in different superhero costumes and you could sit with bears for your tea time.
decided to take a selfie with the super big bear in front of the cafe. thank goodness for masks because i look so terrible.
lastly we took a stroll in harry potter cafe. there's magic show at 2 set times (1.30pm and 4.30pm, but we've already missed the last timing). wonder what performance is done...
unfortunately i think the cafe has much to improve on. there's so much more they could do! i guess it's still not fully set up since we still see a lot of empty and big spaces. perhaps we'll try their pizza next time.
my leg was in a super bad state by this time and i was limping so we couldn't explore further. the good thing is the mall was close to our neighbourhood so we could just come back next time. before leaving, here's a photo of the waiting area just outside toilet -
it's definitely a furniture mall...
Since the cremation, we've had piano music switched on for the babies when they were alone in the room. Previously we played disney music from here:
they went on for 6-8hours so it could usually last through the night. we played normal lullabies as well:
I played kpop piano music and some songs were actually pretty upbeat so i wasn't so sad when i hear them.
but that morning i decided that i was straying too far from baby music and decided to go back to lullabies, after my pumping session.
wrong choice.
it brought back memories of days before the cremation, and of the cremation itself, and i started tearing again, while lying in bed. unfortunately nampyeon had to come in after that and caught me in the act. he asked me why i was sad again, and said that Kinzy and Linzy were fortunate to have a mom who remembers.
but they were not... i was responsible for their passing. there was no way to forget. even so, i couldn't let the memories tie me down. jackie told me that breastmilk contains hormones, and i wasn't supposed to pass the pessimistic hormones to Minzy.
i was looking at redecorating our rooms to make space for Minzy when she comes home, and nampyeon suggested visiting ikea. we wanted to buy more wardrobes as well - nampyeon says i just have too many clothes and they were all over the place (that is so not true.. i do stack my stuff neatly). thank goodness there was one at giheung, which was just 15mins away by taxi. we decided to head out and take a look at furniture. we came out around 4pm, which was a little late so we only took a quick tour before settling our dinner at the bistro. due to the virus, there was no queue at the bistro and there was barely any people (but there was still people).
there was a new mall just opposite ikea and nampyeon wanted to visit that. before that we stopped at ikea's pump area. ever since i had to pump, i took interest in looking at the different pumping areas different places have to offer. i had been pumping at home and the hospital, so i was mildly intrigued with the cute design ikea has for the feeding room.
i think it's nice that owners try to make the feeding room as welcoming and as homely as possible for both moms and kids. it makes the whole experience friendly and relaxing.
anyway we went over to the opposite mall and we regretted coming so late...
the mall had so so so many furniture shops and huge, unique cafes! this one totally caught our attention and we couldn't help stopping here for a quick rest. (actually my legs were already hurting from the 1hr walk around ikea)
they have this ferrero puff at only 1.8k won. a total must-try. the red velvet coconut cookie was pretty nice too (but not very red velvety)
the cafe wasn't fully built, as 40% of the tanks were still empty and not opened up. we will definitely come back again!
we didn't finish exploring the mall, but there were 2 other huge cafes at the basement - the teddy cafe and the harry potter fan cafe.
the teddy cafe has huge bears in different superhero costumes and you could sit with bears for your tea time.
decided to take a selfie with the super big bear in front of the cafe. thank goodness for masks because i look so terrible.
lastly we took a stroll in harry potter cafe. there's magic show at 2 set times (1.30pm and 4.30pm, but we've already missed the last timing). wonder what performance is done...
unfortunately i think the cafe has much to improve on. there's so much more they could do! i guess it's still not fully set up since we still see a lot of empty and big spaces. perhaps we'll try their pizza next time.
my leg was in a super bad state by this time and i was limping so we couldn't explore further. the good thing is the mall was close to our neighbourhood so we could just come back next time. before leaving, here's a photo of the waiting area just outside toilet -
it's definitely a furniture mall...
Wednesday, May 27, 2020
Alone
27 May
I woke up in the morning and kept myself busy. I did laundry, changed my bedsheets while nampyeon made Day 1 tonic for me to drink. My babies were in a fresh room now.
My sister sent me confinement tonic and i had only started drinking yesterday. there were 2 other tonics before Day 1, to be drunk immediately after delivery. but i was already 2 weeks late. still, i drank as if i had just started confinement.
i sat in the kitchen and often stared dazedly at our backyard. it was filled with lush greenery, with people playing golf just beyond the fence. i wonder if Minzy will ever see this with me someday. we received letters addressed to my twins from the provincial offices congratulating us on the birth of Linzy and Minzy, and offering us birth packages and bonuses.
when you register your babies, they even gave presents such as baby books to congratulate you. i have 2 sets of these, but there's no one i can read to now.
i had presents from the hospital for Minzy yesterday, probably given by followers of christianity - given that the book contents had bible quotes and verses.
just looking at all these... i suddenly just felt very sorry for myself and for my babies. i had delivered but i had no babies to take home with me. i had no congratulations except the default packages generated from the provincial offices that triggers on birth registry. did they know Linzy is no longer with me? Kinzy wasn't even recognised at birth, since she passed away long before she was even born. did they know Minzy is struggling in NICU, and she can't see her parents more than once a week? would Minzy be able to embrace all her gifts in the end?
while many of the people around me advised minimising movements, not doing housework and generally spending time resting, i did not have the luxury to do that. i had no housekeeper, i had no confinement nanny. i had no babies. i didn't deserve any helpers at all. in between housework, i had to pump milk every 3 hours and take care of my meals myself. it takes about 50mins to pump each time, with preparation and washing of the parts. this means i had to wake up every 2-2.5hrs in fact, at night.
i wept by myself in the kitchen. nampyeon was busy handling csl stuff upstairs and he wasn't even able to have lunch with me nor help me with housework. whenever he was busy everything i asked or said irritated him so i could only do things by myself that day. i made this whole mess and it was no use feeling sorry for myself. i needed to be strong for Minzy. we made a quick trip to the hospital to send the diapers over that day since it arrived. on the way home, we stopped at the emart area for dinner.
unfortunately the wind was cold and my knees were hurting. i wasn't able to walk for very long and we had to eat quickly and get home quickly. when i went home to pump i realised that nampyeon had mistakenly sent the BM that contained the first squeeze (we collected all the first squeeze in a single pack). i told him to call the hospital and he suddenly got mad at me, saying that i should have packed the BM properly. i packed the BM, but he was the one who checked the second time and placed the leftovers in. he insisted i call to rectify the mistake but i was clearly not the one at fault.
i was so furious and upset that he blamed me for this when he was the one who didn't check properly. it was such a tiny everyday quarrel, but i burst into tears and cried so badly. i was so tired. i was tired of doing so many things by myself. i was not over my babies yet. i didn't have help. and he kept getting irritated and mad at me whenever i asked him to do something, to the point i couldn't even ask him for help anymore.
i know that nampyeon is as stressed as me, having to deal with both work and the babies paper matters, and a depressed wife. but i was hurt both mentally and physically. my legs and hands lost strength - they just couldn't work the same way as before. my heart, and my body is in pain. i had knee guards, ankle guards, elbow guard and wrist guards on myself. my boobs were hurting, i had ice packs on myself. my eyes were red and bulging from all the tears, and my head and stomach hurt.
i was sorry i had to burst out uncontrollably, to my stressed nampyeon. i was sorry he had to comfort me in the end. but i wanted so badly comfort. a place i can rest. a home i can return to. a family who needs me. people who could help me. i felt i had nothing, and i had nothing but pain.
I woke up in the morning and kept myself busy. I did laundry, changed my bedsheets while nampyeon made Day 1 tonic for me to drink. My babies were in a fresh room now.
My sister sent me confinement tonic and i had only started drinking yesterday. there were 2 other tonics before Day 1, to be drunk immediately after delivery. but i was already 2 weeks late. still, i drank as if i had just started confinement.
i sat in the kitchen and often stared dazedly at our backyard. it was filled with lush greenery, with people playing golf just beyond the fence. i wonder if Minzy will ever see this with me someday. we received letters addressed to my twins from the provincial offices congratulating us on the birth of Linzy and Minzy, and offering us birth packages and bonuses.
when you register your babies, they even gave presents such as baby books to congratulate you. i have 2 sets of these, but there's no one i can read to now.
i had presents from the hospital for Minzy yesterday, probably given by followers of christianity - given that the book contents had bible quotes and verses.
just looking at all these... i suddenly just felt very sorry for myself and for my babies. i had delivered but i had no babies to take home with me. i had no congratulations except the default packages generated from the provincial offices that triggers on birth registry. did they know Linzy is no longer with me? Kinzy wasn't even recognised at birth, since she passed away long before she was even born. did they know Minzy is struggling in NICU, and she can't see her parents more than once a week? would Minzy be able to embrace all her gifts in the end?
while many of the people around me advised minimising movements, not doing housework and generally spending time resting, i did not have the luxury to do that. i had no housekeeper, i had no confinement nanny. i had no babies. i didn't deserve any helpers at all. in between housework, i had to pump milk every 3 hours and take care of my meals myself. it takes about 50mins to pump each time, with preparation and washing of the parts. this means i had to wake up every 2-2.5hrs in fact, at night.
i wept by myself in the kitchen. nampyeon was busy handling csl stuff upstairs and he wasn't even able to have lunch with me nor help me with housework. whenever he was busy everything i asked or said irritated him so i could only do things by myself that day. i made this whole mess and it was no use feeling sorry for myself. i needed to be strong for Minzy. we made a quick trip to the hospital to send the diapers over that day since it arrived. on the way home, we stopped at the emart area for dinner.
unfortunately the wind was cold and my knees were hurting. i wasn't able to walk for very long and we had to eat quickly and get home quickly. when i went home to pump i realised that nampyeon had mistakenly sent the BM that contained the first squeeze (we collected all the first squeeze in a single pack). i told him to call the hospital and he suddenly got mad at me, saying that i should have packed the BM properly. i packed the BM, but he was the one who checked the second time and placed the leftovers in. he insisted i call to rectify the mistake but i was clearly not the one at fault.
i was so furious and upset that he blamed me for this when he was the one who didn't check properly. it was such a tiny everyday quarrel, but i burst into tears and cried so badly. i was so tired. i was tired of doing so many things by myself. i was not over my babies yet. i didn't have help. and he kept getting irritated and mad at me whenever i asked him to do something, to the point i couldn't even ask him for help anymore.
i know that nampyeon is as stressed as me, having to deal with both work and the babies paper matters, and a depressed wife. but i was hurt both mentally and physically. my legs and hands lost strength - they just couldn't work the same way as before. my heart, and my body is in pain. i had knee guards, ankle guards, elbow guard and wrist guards on myself. my boobs were hurting, i had ice packs on myself. my eyes were red and bulging from all the tears, and my head and stomach hurt.
i was sorry i had to burst out uncontrollably, to my stressed nampyeon. i was sorry he had to comfort me in the end. but i wanted so badly comfort. a place i can rest. a home i can return to. a family who needs me. people who could help me. i felt i had nothing, and i had nothing but pain.
Tuesday, May 26, 2020
The cremation
26 May
It was midnight, just after i finished the zoom call with the girls. We tried moving the babies to our room so they could sleep with us for a night, but as soon as Linzy was in the room, water droplets formed around her face. It was just too warm for her. before i sent them back, i gave both my babies a kiss on their head. i wanted to hug them and put them to my heart, but they were so frail and so small, i was afraid i would break them.
We then moved all of them back to the fridge and ended up sitting in the kitchen writing letters to each of them and making origami tortoises. we wanted to stay by their side for just one last night, before we send them off in the morning. i placed the everland pandas by each of their side. they didn't have any toys at all so i thought it'd be good to put one with them. we tried to make their boxes as heartwarming as possible and placed in breastmilk as well. it was the least we could do for these babies.
come 8am, and it was time to depart for the crematorium. this time MIL and her brother, as well as her brother's wife, came along with us. nampyeon and i carried our babies boxes to the office and nampyeon registered the cremation - this time without any issues. Linzy was the first to be cremated (there was a fixed timing for registered and unregistered babies to be cremated). i touched her for the last time, and couldn't help but cried. it was so so hard to control, when i thought of how this little life suffered, and i was not able to see her in her final moments. there was regrets, and there was bitterness. i blamed myself again and again.
we were moved to the departure room, where we were separated from the cremation site behind a glass panel. Linzy was placed inside the crematorium, and the doors slid down. it took only 15seconds before i realised that i could no longer see her, or touch her. i couldn't say my goodbyes but cried for a long, long time.
we rested in a family room and waited while Linzy turned to ashes in the blazes. it took about 1hr before the cremation was completed and nampyeon went down to collect her ashes.
around 10am, we sent off Kinzy in the same way. i thought i had somehow controlled my feelings and even managed to whisper "잘 가요.." before i burst into tears again. I remembered Kinzy kicking healthily in our last ultrasound, and just a week after she was gone. and the ultrasounds that i saw of her after that... she was always crouching and squeezed in the corner. it pained me when i thought of how her last few moments. was she choking? was she crying for me? did she pass on the dream to nampyeon to ask us to save her? we would never know.
Kinzy took a little longer to complete. i guess the attendants listened to us and set a lower temperature for Kinzy as she was so so small. a strong blaze would have not left any ashes. it was fortunate we had remains of both of them. they were wrapped in paper and labeled. we placed them in a ziplock and carried them home. we contemplated burning our letters with them but in the end decided that we would put them in the urn together with the ashes, so our voices could be with them in the pigeon tin.
In a way it was as though something heavy was lifted off me. i wanted to be with them longer yet i was worried about the decay. i didn't want them to go looking too different from their final moments. but every time i see them i was in so much pain.
we had lunch with the people who came and i was surprised i could eat so much (probably because the food was good too).
after the hearty meal, we went home to prepare to see Minzy. since Minzy could eat again, we needed to send all the breastmilk collected for the past week for her.
We thought Minzy would be in a better state but it seems that she probably knew her sisters were sent off this morning. she was having a pretty difficult time. her face and body was awfully bloated, probably due to the water retention and the fact that she couldn't pee very well. her blood pressure was low and doctors had to give her medicine to raise it. she was battling with the candida infection and i'm not sure why but her stomach looked so black. the doctor told us that it was probably due to the accumulated waste inside her but i've never seen it so black. they also mentioned that the infection was probably passed to her at birth from me, and might even be due to the big diapers she was wearing. they asked us to get diapers for micro preemies. i can never understand why hospitals wouldn't have diapers for micro preemies....
anyway... Minzy's right arm was free from needles finally. i could finally see her little hands and fingers. it was so, so cute. she was moving her right arm and right leg (we wondered if her left side was ok as she was mainly moving her right arm and leg), as well as her little fingers. i desperately want to put my finger in her hands so she could hold it, but the nurses were the only ones who were able to touch her so freely. it was the first time her right arm was free of tape.
she opened her right eye ever so slightly while i was there and i was sure i saw a very tiny teardrop when she closed it again. was she in pain? was she sad? did she know her sisters left in the morning? it was so heartbreaking for me. i wanted to hold her and tell her it's ok... my brave child. i'm here. mommy's here. but she won't hear me. and i couldn't touch her.
that night, we placed Kinzy and Linzy's ashes in the urn and put the babies in our room, atop the airdresser. we would sleep with them till we find their burial site.
It was midnight, just after i finished the zoom call with the girls. We tried moving the babies to our room so they could sleep with us for a night, but as soon as Linzy was in the room, water droplets formed around her face. It was just too warm for her. before i sent them back, i gave both my babies a kiss on their head. i wanted to hug them and put them to my heart, but they were so frail and so small, i was afraid i would break them.
We then moved all of them back to the fridge and ended up sitting in the kitchen writing letters to each of them and making origami tortoises. we wanted to stay by their side for just one last night, before we send them off in the morning. i placed the everland pandas by each of their side. they didn't have any toys at all so i thought it'd be good to put one with them. we tried to make their boxes as heartwarming as possible and placed in breastmilk as well. it was the least we could do for these babies.
come 8am, and it was time to depart for the crematorium. this time MIL and her brother, as well as her brother's wife, came along with us. nampyeon and i carried our babies boxes to the office and nampyeon registered the cremation - this time without any issues. Linzy was the first to be cremated (there was a fixed timing for registered and unregistered babies to be cremated). i touched her for the last time, and couldn't help but cried. it was so so hard to control, when i thought of how this little life suffered, and i was not able to see her in her final moments. there was regrets, and there was bitterness. i blamed myself again and again.
we were moved to the departure room, where we were separated from the cremation site behind a glass panel. Linzy was placed inside the crematorium, and the doors slid down. it took only 15seconds before i realised that i could no longer see her, or touch her. i couldn't say my goodbyes but cried for a long, long time.
we rested in a family room and waited while Linzy turned to ashes in the blazes. it took about 1hr before the cremation was completed and nampyeon went down to collect her ashes.
around 10am, we sent off Kinzy in the same way. i thought i had somehow controlled my feelings and even managed to whisper "잘 가요.." before i burst into tears again. I remembered Kinzy kicking healthily in our last ultrasound, and just a week after she was gone. and the ultrasounds that i saw of her after that... she was always crouching and squeezed in the corner. it pained me when i thought of how her last few moments. was she choking? was she crying for me? did she pass on the dream to nampyeon to ask us to save her? we would never know.
Kinzy took a little longer to complete. i guess the attendants listened to us and set a lower temperature for Kinzy as she was so so small. a strong blaze would have not left any ashes. it was fortunate we had remains of both of them. they were wrapped in paper and labeled. we placed them in a ziplock and carried them home. we contemplated burning our letters with them but in the end decided that we would put them in the urn together with the ashes, so our voices could be with them in the pigeon tin.
In a way it was as though something heavy was lifted off me. i wanted to be with them longer yet i was worried about the decay. i didn't want them to go looking too different from their final moments. but every time i see them i was in so much pain.
we had lunch with the people who came and i was surprised i could eat so much (probably because the food was good too).
after the hearty meal, we went home to prepare to see Minzy. since Minzy could eat again, we needed to send all the breastmilk collected for the past week for her.
We thought Minzy would be in a better state but it seems that she probably knew her sisters were sent off this morning. she was having a pretty difficult time. her face and body was awfully bloated, probably due to the water retention and the fact that she couldn't pee very well. her blood pressure was low and doctors had to give her medicine to raise it. she was battling with the candida infection and i'm not sure why but her stomach looked so black. the doctor told us that it was probably due to the accumulated waste inside her but i've never seen it so black. they also mentioned that the infection was probably passed to her at birth from me, and might even be due to the big diapers she was wearing. they asked us to get diapers for micro preemies. i can never understand why hospitals wouldn't have diapers for micro preemies....
anyway... Minzy's right arm was free from needles finally. i could finally see her little hands and fingers. it was so, so cute. she was moving her right arm and right leg (we wondered if her left side was ok as she was mainly moving her right arm and leg), as well as her little fingers. i desperately want to put my finger in her hands so she could hold it, but the nurses were the only ones who were able to touch her so freely. it was the first time her right arm was free of tape.
she opened her right eye ever so slightly while i was there and i was sure i saw a very tiny teardrop when she closed it again. was she in pain? was she sad? did she know her sisters left in the morning? it was so heartbreaking for me. i wanted to hold her and tell her it's ok... my brave child. i'm here. mommy's here. but she won't hear me. and i couldn't touch her.
that night, we placed Kinzy and Linzy's ashes in the urn and put the babies in our room, atop the airdresser. we would sleep with them till we find their burial site.
Monday, May 25, 2020
Just a little improvement, probably.
23 May
We called the hospital to check on a few things as well as Minzy's weight. she was 480g, but the doctor told us it may be due to water retention. she wasn't able to pee very well after the surgery and that might have caused the weight gain. there was nothing we could do except to monitor the recovery for now.
nampyeon bought handsfree pump so that it is easier for me to pump outside of home. MIL bought me some clothes. she said that i can wear them as pajamas but it clearly looks big enough for pregnant people. i guess she must have prepped it for my pregnancy but had to change her words now that i am no longer pregnant.
we finally settled on the cremation date as well. nampyeon was dragging this for very long because he was worried that there won't be any ashes left if we cremate the babies. he didn't want them to turn into nothing and he wanted their remains to be with us. he even said that we should take their urn when we go traveling so that the babies could travel and be with us. however, Linzy was sleeping on her left side and it looked somewhat melted when i see her and i wasn't so sure if the babies could remain in their current state when we send them off. nevertheless, we had no choice but to wait for 26 May for the cremation, and pile on the ice packs around the babies in the meantime to delay the decay. we feel so bad they have to be in a fridge but there was no other place we could put them to preserve them properly T_T
24 May
i've not cooked for a very long time, and i decided to make myself breakfast today. there were leftover buns that FIL didn't eat so i went ahead to have them.
Minzy gained another 10g (490g) today. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be good or bad since it is mostly because of water retention again. her blood pressure was also fluctuating. it seems that as long as it isn't too extreme, it doesn't seem too dangerous? everything was explained in korean and i had a hard time understanding the context sometimes.
we decided to go out to yongin streets to have some proper food.
2 pretty good restaurants closed in yongin - tanoshimi (sushi place with lots of free sides) and santome (franchise ramen shop). my legs were hurting just from a 10min walk but thankfully nampyeon managed to find a mala/chee cheong fun place! unfortunately... they do not sell chee cheong fun anymore. still, they at least have siew mai and xiao long bao, and taiwanese pancake, which was good enough to satisfy my sg food cravings...
25 May
we received good news that Minzy has finally stabilised her blood pressure and was able to eat again (by that they mean to feed her breastmilk). there was temporary relief as we were able to send Kinzy and Linzy properly now. I was so worried that Minzy might be taken away by her sisters. I kept having this horrible feeling that maybe the cremation was fated to be delayed so the sisters could go together. thankfully this was not so. please please please save Minzy...
at night, blewky decided to have a call. to be honest i was not exactly in the best state to have a video call. as it started to near the cremation day, my mood got more and more sensitive and i ended up crying in the toilet as i thought about kinzy and linzy. however, i did miss my friends and i have not seen them for so, so long. i went ahead with the call on zoom with the excuse that i was in the toilet (which was true, i was doing my betadine bath just after pumping) and i didn't know how to use zoom (which was also true, it was the first time i was using it). one of my friends knew what was happening to me and helped brushed off questions that put me in a difficult situation.
it was really great to hear all of them again, really. i tried my best to be as normal as possible and left early to prepare for my final farewell and the cremation tomorrow. i was sleepy, yes, but i think it was probably a result of too much tears.
We called the hospital to check on a few things as well as Minzy's weight. she was 480g, but the doctor told us it may be due to water retention. she wasn't able to pee very well after the surgery and that might have caused the weight gain. there was nothing we could do except to monitor the recovery for now.
nampyeon bought handsfree pump so that it is easier for me to pump outside of home. MIL bought me some clothes. she said that i can wear them as pajamas but it clearly looks big enough for pregnant people. i guess she must have prepped it for my pregnancy but had to change her words now that i am no longer pregnant.
we finally settled on the cremation date as well. nampyeon was dragging this for very long because he was worried that there won't be any ashes left if we cremate the babies. he didn't want them to turn into nothing and he wanted their remains to be with us. he even said that we should take their urn when we go traveling so that the babies could travel and be with us. however, Linzy was sleeping on her left side and it looked somewhat melted when i see her and i wasn't so sure if the babies could remain in their current state when we send them off. nevertheless, we had no choice but to wait for 26 May for the cremation, and pile on the ice packs around the babies in the meantime to delay the decay. we feel so bad they have to be in a fridge but there was no other place we could put them to preserve them properly T_T
24 May
i've not cooked for a very long time, and i decided to make myself breakfast today. there were leftover buns that FIL didn't eat so i went ahead to have them.
Minzy gained another 10g (490g) today. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be good or bad since it is mostly because of water retention again. her blood pressure was also fluctuating. it seems that as long as it isn't too extreme, it doesn't seem too dangerous? everything was explained in korean and i had a hard time understanding the context sometimes.
we decided to go out to yongin streets to have some proper food.
2 pretty good restaurants closed in yongin - tanoshimi (sushi place with lots of free sides) and santome (franchise ramen shop). my legs were hurting just from a 10min walk but thankfully nampyeon managed to find a mala/chee cheong fun place! unfortunately... they do not sell chee cheong fun anymore. still, they at least have siew mai and xiao long bao, and taiwanese pancake, which was good enough to satisfy my sg food cravings...
25 May
we received good news that Minzy has finally stabilised her blood pressure and was able to eat again (by that they mean to feed her breastmilk). there was temporary relief as we were able to send Kinzy and Linzy properly now. I was so worried that Minzy might be taken away by her sisters. I kept having this horrible feeling that maybe the cremation was fated to be delayed so the sisters could go together. thankfully this was not so. please please please save Minzy...
at night, blewky decided to have a call. to be honest i was not exactly in the best state to have a video call. as it started to near the cremation day, my mood got more and more sensitive and i ended up crying in the toilet as i thought about kinzy and linzy. however, i did miss my friends and i have not seen them for so, so long. i went ahead with the call on zoom with the excuse that i was in the toilet (which was true, i was doing my betadine bath just after pumping) and i didn't know how to use zoom (which was also true, it was the first time i was using it). one of my friends knew what was happening to me and helped brushed off questions that put me in a difficult situation.
it was really great to hear all of them again, really. i tried my best to be as normal as possible and left early to prepare for my final farewell and the cremation tomorrow. i was sleepy, yes, but i think it was probably a result of too much tears.
Thursday, May 21, 2020
Minzy's surgery
21 May
The doctor called nampyeon urgently yesterday, saying that Minzy needed immediate surgery as the medicine wasn't closing up the open vessel. Nampyeon happened to be in the hospital just then since he was delivering the colostrum, and he signed the papers to agree to the surgery.
even though the doctor told us that it was one of the simplest surgery for preemies, we still couldn't help but worry. the lightest baby he had ever operated on was only 500g but Minzy was 490g and she dropped to 460g in the morning of the surgery. the vessel either has to be cut off or tied up, depending on whichever is feasible once the doctor opens her up. the worst thing that could happen is a big scar that would remain with her for life. nampyeon thought that surgery was also the best option as the medicine given to close the vessels were not good for the baby and the surgery may help to stop the brain bleeding as well. the doctor was saying how we would not be able to see her after the surgery and we should do so before the surgery today. we had to be there by 9am to see her, since the surgery was at 10am.
we woke up early and went to see Minzy. she had a new needle on her left hand to prep for the surgery. i ached at how this little baby have to go under the knife when she's barely 500g. i told her to be strong and that i would come see her after her surgery ends. the doctor says it will take at most 3 hours.
while waiting, we decided to walk around hyehwa and have lunch. i was actually glad that i came out to see Minzy, since this gave me a chance to finally have a breath of fresh air outside. it was probably the first time i was out having a 'date' with nampyeon since i was hospitalised.
we rested at a tart cafe, had great food at witch's kitchen and i even managed to buy myself harry potter collaboration accessories from OST.
i felt a little guilty for being happy for once but i was also relieved that my mood could be lifted from such simple things. the only thing that was inconvenient was having to pump every 3 hours and i ended up doing it at the restaurant. thankfully it was dimly lit and there was only 2 other tables with guests so i could do it unnoticed.
we went back around 2pm as nampyeon said the surgery was at 11am. we didn't receive any calls and were pretty worried so we decided to just head back and check ourselves. thankfully the surgery went well! the doctor said that Minzy's blood pressure was stable throughout and she would only need to focus on recovery now. there was big patch on the left side of her body where she was cut that has a tube connected to it to drain the carbon dioxide accumulated during surgery, and the needle on her left hand drained 'dirtied' blood. it would be removed as soon as the things that were supposed to come out and cleaned up. the doctor says she won't be able to eat for a few days depending on her condition, and she was safe for now. she was sleeping and her left hand occasionally twitched. Minzy is such a strong, strong baby. mommy is proud.
outside, we met a mom whose twins were scheduled for the same surgery just after Minzy. she gave birth at 23+6 weeks, the same as me, but her twins weighed more than 600g. she mentioned that the heavier weight was because they weren't able to pee properly. she looked like she was the same age as me but she was 50 years old! we assured her that since Minzy's surgery went well, her twins would have no trouble, and chatted a little on how we both delivered way earlier than expected. she was only hospitalised for 4-5days and her lungs filled with water when she was given magnesium, thus she had to deliver since the drips didn't work. being in the same unfortunate situation, it actually felt quite nice to have someone in a similar situation and being able to talk about it casually.
however, Minzy's trials were not over. nampyeon told me that while her brain bleeding stopped, it was actually in stage 4 and we would have to brace ourselves for possibility of cerebral palsy in the future, which can only be determined when she turns one or two. additionally, she still has a fungal (candida) infection that's not resolved, and would have to be on antibiotics. babies on antibiotics are not really a great thing because they might turn immune to it in the future since they are given the drugs when they are so young.
i think, heaven is punishing my baby for the sins i committed...
The doctor called nampyeon urgently yesterday, saying that Minzy needed immediate surgery as the medicine wasn't closing up the open vessel. Nampyeon happened to be in the hospital just then since he was delivering the colostrum, and he signed the papers to agree to the surgery.
even though the doctor told us that it was one of the simplest surgery for preemies, we still couldn't help but worry. the lightest baby he had ever operated on was only 500g but Minzy was 490g and she dropped to 460g in the morning of the surgery. the vessel either has to be cut off or tied up, depending on whichever is feasible once the doctor opens her up. the worst thing that could happen is a big scar that would remain with her for life. nampyeon thought that surgery was also the best option as the medicine given to close the vessels were not good for the baby and the surgery may help to stop the brain bleeding as well. the doctor was saying how we would not be able to see her after the surgery and we should do so before the surgery today. we had to be there by 9am to see her, since the surgery was at 10am.
we woke up early and went to see Minzy. she had a new needle on her left hand to prep for the surgery. i ached at how this little baby have to go under the knife when she's barely 500g. i told her to be strong and that i would come see her after her surgery ends. the doctor says it will take at most 3 hours.
while waiting, we decided to walk around hyehwa and have lunch. i was actually glad that i came out to see Minzy, since this gave me a chance to finally have a breath of fresh air outside. it was probably the first time i was out having a 'date' with nampyeon since i was hospitalised.
we rested at a tart cafe, had great food at witch's kitchen and i even managed to buy myself harry potter collaboration accessories from OST.
i felt a little guilty for being happy for once but i was also relieved that my mood could be lifted from such simple things. the only thing that was inconvenient was having to pump every 3 hours and i ended up doing it at the restaurant. thankfully it was dimly lit and there was only 2 other tables with guests so i could do it unnoticed.
we went back around 2pm as nampyeon said the surgery was at 11am. we didn't receive any calls and were pretty worried so we decided to just head back and check ourselves. thankfully the surgery went well! the doctor said that Minzy's blood pressure was stable throughout and she would only need to focus on recovery now. there was big patch on the left side of her body where she was cut that has a tube connected to it to drain the carbon dioxide accumulated during surgery, and the needle on her left hand drained 'dirtied' blood. it would be removed as soon as the things that were supposed to come out and cleaned up. the doctor says she won't be able to eat for a few days depending on her condition, and she was safe for now. she was sleeping and her left hand occasionally twitched. Minzy is such a strong, strong baby. mommy is proud.
outside, we met a mom whose twins were scheduled for the same surgery just after Minzy. she gave birth at 23+6 weeks, the same as me, but her twins weighed more than 600g. she mentioned that the heavier weight was because they weren't able to pee properly. she looked like she was the same age as me but she was 50 years old! we assured her that since Minzy's surgery went well, her twins would have no trouble, and chatted a little on how we both delivered way earlier than expected. she was only hospitalised for 4-5days and her lungs filled with water when she was given magnesium, thus she had to deliver since the drips didn't work. being in the same unfortunate situation, it actually felt quite nice to have someone in a similar situation and being able to talk about it casually.
however, Minzy's trials were not over. nampyeon told me that while her brain bleeding stopped, it was actually in stage 4 and we would have to brace ourselves for possibility of cerebral palsy in the future, which can only be determined when she turns one or two. additionally, she still has a fungal (candida) infection that's not resolved, and would have to be on antibiotics. babies on antibiotics are not really a great thing because they might turn immune to it in the future since they are given the drugs when they are so young.
i think, heaven is punishing my baby for the sins i committed...