Dancing minzy

25 June 

680g today! Is she ever going to hit 7?
However she does have a bit of swelling around the ears so i'm not sure if that's considered actual weight.

We have several interesting captures cos she kept her eyes opened for a rather long period. The doctor checked her eyes and said there was no big issue so it means she could actually see us! However whether her vision is perfect it will have to be tested bit by bit.

Here's minzy struggling in her sleep. she almost looks like she's dancing with so much movements XD i'm a little worried with how she wipes her saliva then her eyes, and she's rubbing her eyes so much. i hope the sticker on her hand isn't too rough because that can really cut the soft area around the eyes...

we noticed that she does very fast movements from time to time. it seems that such twitching or jerking is normal for babies? here she suddenly flaps her left arm.

yawning minzy. she raises her left arm very quickly before proceeding to yawn. hurhur.

look at her dopey eyes! she looks at papa in a very pitiful manner (i think she always looks pitiful because of her droopy brows...) and then lifts her tiny left hand in a wave. papa waved back to her XD maybe it's because they put some eye drops in when checking her eyes because it looks like it's glistening and she's opening them so much bigger than before, at a longer time.

and this is my favourite video. she arches her brow and then seems to smile at mama. my cute little fairy!!! i really wish that was a smile! i hope she's happy. though it's hard when you're getting poked left right and center everyday...

Yawning Minzy

18 June

Minzy finally got rid of all her swelling but that meant that her weight dropped again. She was 570g, a 140g increase from birth, for a month and a half old baby.

When we saw her she was already off the sleeping sedation so she was moving a lot and opening her eyes. she could open wider than before.

nampyeon captured so many interesting moments of her. she was yawning a couple of times when he was there. this was the funniest yawn i've seen where she raised her hand while yawning.

and here she smiled after she yawned. it looked like a smile!!

nampyeon told the nurse that the gauze fell off on her right hand and when the nurse went to check minzy raised her hand. it's so cuteeeee

the nurse wrapped her arm with gauze... mobility down again. it's so cute the way she raised her hand as if grabbing the nurse's hand after she was wrapped. ahhhh i really want to touch her and let her grab my hands!!!! thereafter the video shows poor minzy getting her phlegm out with a super long tube. it seems that babies who keep generating lots of saliva usually have phlegms, so it needs to be sucked out with a tube. but gosh it went so deep.... i wouldn't have been able to take it ughhh strong baby. then again she can't really resist. T_T

it's really a good thing she's getting so much better, but she needs to put on more weight....... T_T

i'm not fine

i realised that it really wasn't mr useless that i don't want to see... but it was just people.
people who knows about it but whom i'm not close to.
people who have a 99.9% tendency to ask 'how are you', but who will not be able to respond to 'i'm not fine'.
people who i have to lie and say 'i'm fine' because i don't really want to tell them why i'm not fine.
mostly, people who can't do anything about your situation other than offer words and looks of pity.

rather than that, i'd prefer talking and meeting people who don't know about it. at least they won't ask you 'how are you', in that awkwardly pitiful tone.

next time you want to ask someone who's been through shit, the answer is 'i'm not fine and you can't do anything about it so for god's sake just stop asking and get on with it'. unless, of course, you could really give a miracle and undo everything that's happened, stop pretending that you even care.

happy 1 mth, minzy!

11 June

our 1 week visit was actually on 10th, but we decided to go on the 11th cos it would be Minzy's 1 mth.

i can't say how happy i am that she has gotten this far! and she was looking so so so much better when we saw her.

for one, the number of machines were only 2-3 now. and she has only one IV on her right hand. she was off the trembling oxygen. her blood pressure has stabilized so she doesn't need the med anymore. she was also passing larger amounts of poop and urine. however, her weight was still at 540g, and the doctors say that this is her actual weight without the bloat and any weight she put on from then onwards should become her actual weight. at least she looks much normal now without all the extra bloat on her neck and ears. also, they have removed her sedation so we should expect more movements, and she would also open her eyes at times.

true enough, she was still tiny but she was moving a lot! both her arms and legs were moving at once (so it dispelled our worries that she might be half-paralysed). she opened her eyes to look at us (but i'm not sure if she could actually see us, since babies can only see black and white).

i noticed her diapers were too big and it turns out that they have finished using the preemie diapers we got for her (they should have told us!!). it was so big that minzy could rest her right leg on top of it. i wonder if she kept stretching her legs because it was so tiring to rest it on top... her excretion bag seems to have gotten much bigger too. i guess she can hug it as a pillow now...

i quickly snapped this when i saw that she kept struggling to open her eyes. kyaaaaaa!!! this little cutie!!! (btw there's a baby crying super loudly in the background cos it just had a shot.. poor thing...)

nampyeon captured something even cuter. minzy stretched out her arm and grabbed the iv drip in front of her. it's so adorable i have been playing it everyday and sending it to those who knows about it. too good to not share!

today we received the labels stamped with 1 month on it. can't say how much satisfaction i derive from looking at it.

my milk volume has also increased. so much that i needed to separate it into 3-5packs, since Minzy can't drink so much at once. thankfully she's drinking 10ml every 3 hours now! please drink more!!

the doctors also told us that we needed to get the fortification powder for our milk so that the nutrients can be enhanced for the baby. it sells in boxes of 100 and can only be brought in from overseas. it's a whooping 160usd for this... whoa.

we were also told to get preemie pacifiers. i made a mistake and got small milk bottles instead... the search words they gave me in korean led to these results T_T yes, you gotta give a foreigner the picture instead of the keywords you know... the bottles are still very cute and hopefully we'll get to use them when minzy's discharged.

the actual pacifier we were supposed to get. it's called a philips wee thumbie. the ones i found was like 40usd with shipping. gg. thank goodness there was a local shop selling all products for preemies but it was still around 15usd. so cute! i wonder when she will get to use it cos her mouth's full of tubes...

there wasn't a lot that we can do for her 1 mth except give her the 'presents' that the hospital needs. hopefully she will be much bigger at our next visit... here's a final picture of my adorable minzy... (gosh, all the mini curly wurly baby hair!) just when can i touch her... T_T

i kept thinking as i look at the videos and photos... that IV cap on her right hand. i had it on me previously and it was so small, but on her it looked like a cannon (as nampyeon says)... how is she able to wave it around so frequently?

it hurts so much if my iv was pricked near the joints... and the needle was small for me. but a small needle for me is something huge for minzy.. and if i were to make a comparison, the size of that needle to her arm is like a knife to my arm... how was she able to endure all the pricking? nampyeon did tell me there were preemie needles, but i wonder how small it could be... technology is amazing... but minzy (and all the other preemies) are even more amazing, for enduring such pain when they are so so young... so much so it hurts my heart just to think about the pain she's going through. :( my strong baby...

oh, and i took a picture of her feet cos it was just so tiny and cute. those little toes. *love*

antibodies

9 June

it seems that the weight gain was due to bloatedness, and her weight soon dropped back to 540g. the doctor told us that while it seems that the infection is still there, they were convinced that the antibodies were slowing killing it. they had picked samples of the fungus from her faeces and treated it with antibodies, and it showed that it was effective. so perhaps it was being reduced, but it was just not visible or the change wasn't big enough to show that it really works.

linzy's last moments

6 June

we called the hospital to check for minzy's weight. she was at 610g and we were elated. though her infection was still there, her blood pressure was stabilizing and she was able to eat again.

that night... we had a short talk when we slept over Linzy's last moments.

of course i wasn't there to witness it, but nampyeon was near at least.
he was confused and still trying to absorb everything that happened. he was actually sleeping while i was giving birth, and was only notified that the delivery was over once everything was a done deal.
he got to nicu, and the doctors were trying to resuscitate linzy. both the twins were breathing and fine when they left the delivery room, but linzy heartbeat suddenly dropped when she was in nicu.

we realised this only after everything was over, when we started to check what people did when they had preterm deliveries. of course, the cases were far and few, but there were cases when a mom put her baby to her heart, and the baby turned from blue to pink, and eventually survived. there was also a case where nampyeon found, where one of the twin stopped breathing and the nurse suggested putting the baby next to its sibling, and miraculously, the living twin put his hand on his struggling sibling in a hugging action, and the sibling started breathing again.

there was of course not much scientific explanation for these happenings other than the babies feeling familiarity and warmth of where they previously belonged. perhaps in the twins' case - they were always together in the womb and the sudden separation left it struggling.

the thought didn't cross us because we were afraid that whatever we did would have harmed the babies. what if we wanted to hug the baby but instead of doing that, having the doctor resuscitate the baby would have helped it better? nampyeon was in a daze watching the doctors surround linzy, and one of them pressing his hands to her heart. but her heartbeat was zero, and the doctors told him that he should probably give up.

that was when he called me, as i was lying in the recovery area. my baby was dying on me and i was so far away. i couldn't do anything and neither could he. but when he recalled to me that night, he said that he should have probably went over and held linzy as she passed on. perhaps she would have felt her father's warmth as she went away, instead of being surrounded by strangers in a cold, glass incubator.

i teared when i heard his recount. i knew that while i was lying there after my delivery, i was not allowed visitors nor movement, and i could not have made it to linzy's final moments. to be honest, i didn't think that linzy would pass on. i thought she would have hung on, and waited for her mom to come see her. i knew that they wanted us to give up, but i didn't know that once the hand went off she would be gone forever. when i held her, i thought she was just sleeping. but she was gone, and they wouldn't have let me held her if she wasn't.

over the critical period!

3 June

it was a looong wait as we got startled at every phone call, thinking it might be from the NICU. we couldn't stay near the hospital because there was no one taking care of our FIL at night. in fact, there was one night where he broke out in sweat in the kitchen and he shouted for nampyeon weakly. thankfully i heard it and nampyeon was able to administer his insulin in time, as his blood sugar level was very low. we prayed that minzy would get through these few days.

Minzy didn't let us down. we called the hospital before our visit - since i had to be there for my post-delivery blood test - and was told Minzy was stabilizing. they were already reducing her blood pressure medicine.

we dropped by around 10+am for my blood test, and a post-consultation with my doctor-in-charge. i almost teared when the doctor asked how my baby was doing doing pre-analysis, but i held myself well. after he took down my concerns, we met with the main doctor. he had analysed my placenta and commented that the infection rate for both minzy and linzy wasn't high, and there was no link that suggests it led to the fungal infection minzy has now (as opposed to what the doctors at nicu had suggested). the infection rate was higher for minzy than linzy. still it doesn't mean that there was no link at all. he also took a sample of my vagina secretion for cancer test. he said that since i didn't tear my vagina during the delivery, my recovery was much faster, and i am now able to go back to my 'normal' life - confinement over, able to go into water, able to exercise etc.

it was all great news for me, but i was still feeling terrible at heart.

when we dropped by, minzy was blinking and her eyes shifted here and there. i was suddenly so excited - i thought she could see me when she looked like she was looking at me. in fact, nampyeon said that minzy's so small she probably wouldn't see anything even if she looked like she was looking at me. she was moving her right arm and leg this time, and i heaved a sigh of relief as there was a period of time we thought half of her might be paralysed. her ears were still bloated and so was the right side of her neck. this time, we noticed that she was generating a lot of saliva as she kept making saliva bubbles. it was actually very cute. her hands and feet was so tiny and it was making so much movements that i fell in love with minzy all over again. she was so, so cute. even nampyeon said that she was very cute (but then he's not sure if she will be pretty =_=). the nurse went to wipe it off gently and minzy struggled a little. she then used her finger to stroke minzy's forehead, saying that 'it's ok.. it's ok...'. i was so envious of the nurse. i want to touch minzy and tell her that it's ok (except that it's really not) as well. i want to hug her and hold her little hands T_T

there were 2 doctors who came in to check her bowel movements while i was there. there were 3 little poop (which by the way look like some bugs) in her PU bag and the doctors were using their gloved fingers to shift it away from the intestines. they pressed on the intestines a couple of times and i was worried minzy might be pained from all that organ touching. the nurse assured me that there it was not painful and it was ok to touch the intestines like that. okay.

since she was over the critical 3 day period, the doctors still commented that she would have to make it past 1 week for her to be really stable (even so, how stable could NICU babies be...). her infection was dropping and her blood pressure etc was all stabilizing. it was really good news. she was able to pass urine and faeces normally now. she still had slight bleeding in her brains, but the focus now was really the candida infection.

i was able to take a lot of videos and pictures of her now that she was doing better. i was so glad and happy. nampyeon took many more too - he even took zoomed-in videos of her hands and her feet moving individually XD

i couldn't bear to leave this cute little thing when our visit was over. we had a nice shabu lunch/dinner before heading home.

i didn't think we would finish those vege and that large pile of beansprout... but we did!

anyway... back at home... i thought i should also remember this. everytime they print the labels for my milk, i feel a sense of satisfaction as the days increase. Minzy started eating again today. She was day 24, and i hope she will have many many more happy days to come.