linzy's last moments

6 June

we called the hospital to check for minzy's weight. she was at 610g and we were elated. though her infection was still there, her blood pressure was stabilizing and she was able to eat again.

that night... we had a short talk when we slept over Linzy's last moments.

of course i wasn't there to witness it, but nampyeon was near at least.
he was confused and still trying to absorb everything that happened. he was actually sleeping while i was giving birth, and was only notified that the delivery was over once everything was a done deal.
he got to nicu, and the doctors were trying to resuscitate linzy. both the twins were breathing and fine when they left the delivery room, but linzy heartbeat suddenly dropped when she was in nicu.

we realised this only after everything was over, when we started to check what people did when they had preterm deliveries. of course, the cases were far and few, but there were cases when a mom put her baby to her heart, and the baby turned from blue to pink, and eventually survived. there was also a case where nampyeon found, where one of the twin stopped breathing and the nurse suggested putting the baby next to its sibling, and miraculously, the living twin put his hand on his struggling sibling in a hugging action, and the sibling started breathing again.

there was of course not much scientific explanation for these happenings other than the babies feeling familiarity and warmth of where they previously belonged. perhaps in the twins' case - they were always together in the womb and the sudden separation left it struggling.

the thought didn't cross us because we were afraid that whatever we did would have harmed the babies. what if we wanted to hug the baby but instead of doing that, having the doctor resuscitate the baby would have helped it better? nampyeon was in a daze watching the doctors surround linzy, and one of them pressing his hands to her heart. but her heartbeat was zero, and the doctors told him that he should probably give up.

that was when he called me, as i was lying in the recovery area. my baby was dying on me and i was so far away. i couldn't do anything and neither could he. but when he recalled to me that night, he said that he should have probably went over and held linzy as she passed on. perhaps she would have felt her father's warmth as she went away, instead of being surrounded by strangers in a cold, glass incubator.

i teared when i heard his recount. i knew that while i was lying there after my delivery, i was not allowed visitors nor movement, and i could not have made it to linzy's final moments. to be honest, i didn't think that linzy would pass on. i thought she would have hung on, and waited for her mom to come see her. i knew that they wanted us to give up, but i didn't know that once the hand went off she would be gone forever. when i held her, i thought she was just sleeping. but she was gone, and they wouldn't have let me held her if she wasn't.