Alone

27 May

I woke up in the morning and kept myself busy. I did laundry, changed my bedsheets while nampyeon made Day 1 tonic for me to drink. My babies were in a fresh room now.

My sister sent me confinement tonic and i had only started drinking yesterday. there were 2 other tonics before Day 1, to be drunk immediately after delivery. but i was already 2 weeks late. still, i drank as if i had just started confinement.

i sat in the kitchen and often stared dazedly at our backyard. it was filled with lush greenery, with people playing golf just beyond the fence. i wonder if Minzy will ever see this with me someday. we received letters addressed to my twins from the provincial offices congratulating us on the birth of Linzy and Minzy, and offering us birth packages and bonuses.

when you register your babies, they even gave presents such as baby books to congratulate you. i have 2 sets of these, but there's no one i can read to now.

i had presents from the hospital for Minzy yesterday, probably given by followers of christianity - given that the book contents had bible quotes and verses.

just looking at all these... i suddenly just felt very sorry for myself and for my babies. i had delivered but i had no babies to take home with me. i had no congratulations except the default packages generated from the provincial offices that triggers on birth registry. did they know Linzy is no longer with me? Kinzy wasn't even recognised at birth, since she passed away long before she was even born. did they know Minzy is struggling in NICU, and she can't see her parents more than once a week? would Minzy be able to embrace all her gifts in the end?

while many of the people around me advised minimising movements, not doing housework and generally spending time resting, i did not have the luxury to do that. i had no housekeeper, i had no confinement nanny. i had no babies. i didn't deserve any helpers at all. in between housework, i had to pump milk every 3 hours and take care of my meals myself. it takes about 50mins to pump each time, with preparation and washing of the parts. this means i had to wake up every 2-2.5hrs in fact, at night.

i wept by myself in the kitchen. nampyeon was busy handling csl stuff upstairs and he wasn't even able to have lunch with me nor help me with housework. whenever he was busy everything i asked or said irritated him so i could only do things by myself that day. i made this whole mess and it was no use feeling sorry for myself. i needed to be strong for Minzy. we made a quick trip to the hospital to send the diapers over that day since it arrived. on the way home, we stopped at the emart area for dinner.

unfortunately the wind was cold and my knees were hurting. i wasn't able to walk for very long and we had to eat quickly and get home quickly. when i went home to pump i realised that nampyeon had mistakenly sent the BM that contained the first squeeze (we collected all the first squeeze in a single pack). i told him to call the hospital and he suddenly got mad at me, saying that i should have packed the BM properly. i packed the BM, but he was the one who checked the second time and placed the leftovers in. he insisted i call to rectify the mistake but i was clearly not the one at fault.

i was so furious and upset that he blamed me for this when he was the one who didn't check properly. it was such a tiny everyday quarrel, but i burst into tears and cried so badly. i was so tired. i was tired of doing so many things by myself. i was not over my babies yet. i didn't have help. and he kept getting irritated and mad at me whenever i asked him to do something, to the point i couldn't even ask him for help anymore.

i know that nampyeon is as stressed as me, having to deal with both work and the babies paper matters, and a depressed wife. but i was hurt both mentally and physically. my legs and hands lost strength - they just couldn't work the same way as before. my heart, and my body is in pain. i had knee guards, ankle guards, elbow guard and wrist guards on myself. my boobs were hurting, i had ice packs on myself. my eyes were red and bulging from all the tears, and my head and stomach hurt.

i was sorry i had to burst out uncontrollably, to my stressed nampyeon. i was sorry he had to comfort me in the end. but i wanted so badly comfort. a place i can rest. a home i can return to. a family who needs me. people who could help me. i felt i had nothing, and i had nothing but pain.