My boobs were hurting, so we made another trip to Oketani that day at 10am. Turns out there was an appointment with the professor in charge of NICU matters, so we quickly got over as soon as we were done, at 1130am.
The following news that came was not pleasing. Minzy doesn't seem to be doing so well. There is an enlarged blood vessel that was supposed to close up upon delivery that connects to the lungs, but doesn't due to preterm birth. It is said to be a common issue with preterm babies. It causes blood to be delivered more than usual, with the excess flowing into the lungs. The solution was to treat it with antibiotics/drugs in the hopes it will close up by itself, but the first round hasn't been successful and has caused much stress to the body. This is also linked to the bleeding in brain. At this stage, the bleeding is not considered mild, but may have a 50% chance of Minzy having slow development issues later on. Upon verification, nampyeon seems to have asked if it will affect the intelligence, but the prof affirmed that it will more likely affect the muscle movements. If the artery doesn't close up, surgery will have to be performed.
We weren't so worried about the scar from the surgery (it will definitely leave a very big one across the back). I'm actually more worried if Minzy will have a normal life later on from the brain hemorrhage. I wondered if it was too much to beg her not to go.
After the update, I went over to see Minzy for our once a week visit. I was finally able to see her clearly with the humidity gone. She had drips on her right hand and it was bundled so much you can't see her palm. A heartbeat monitor was attached to her right waist, and her left hand. The nurse came by to inject breastmilk into the feeding tube down her mouth and occasionally she would move her tongue, as if drinking the milk. She has a newly punctured IV on her left leg and i could see a blot of blood on it. Her eye cast has been removed and she frowned so slightly when the nurse proceeded to measure her stomach and change her diapers. She has a small mass of wire attached to her tummy as well. I'm not sure what that was. She waved her right hand up and down. How could she move that hand when it was so bundled, and punctured with IV.
I was so beyond grief I started to cry. How could this little body be able to tolerate all the drips and tubes. 2 IV drips, changeable every 3-4days. Not being able to move. Forced to sleep the whole day. Blood drawn out of the lungs. Antibiotics feeding. Stress on the body. Pain whenever the nurse touches her. And what if she has to go through surgery, at 490g? How could she take it? I went through the same hell, at a notch lower, and 1 month was all I could endure. She doesn't even have anyone around her. I had nampyeon all the time. How could a little baby be so strong. So strong, but so painful to see that I hated myself so much. Will Minzy ever get out of this hell..?
Another nurse came by to take her x-ray and I left the room. Blood was draining from my face and I felt slightly faintish. I went to the waiting room, and swapped with nampyeon since only one guardian could go in at a time. i hugged nampyeon and i couldn't stop crying. it was so hard to control my tears. but nampyeon had to see Minzy so i let go. i told him to take photos because i couldn't. i want to remember Minzy's pain. i want to remind myself that i caused this.
We skipped lunch since i barely have any appetite and collected Kinzy and Linzy. i was suddenly wide awake when i saw the bill. 8days in the morgue and it amounted to about 700+sgd. the fees for 'taking care' of bodies were much higher than live ones. i was almost amused at this odd turnout.
We reached home about 3pm, and i was long overdue for pumping since the last time i did was at oketani, at 10am. my boobs were hurting. but nampyeon and i managed to rest Kinzy and Linzy in our kimchi fridge before i started pumping. it was a weird place to deposit them but it had a fair share of space and was colder than our room would be. we would take them out to sleep in our rooms later in the night.
my mother-in-law had bought ribs and eunhwasam chef prepared about 9person's share of calbi stew for both me and nampyeon. i knew i would cry if someone told me it's ok and i did after my meal, when my MIL reached out to console me again. When my FIL came in and i saw him for the first time since i got discharged, i couldn't help but be reminded of my despair again and my tears just wouldn't stop. i felt like such a wuss but it was just so hard to control. everyone was telling me that i needed to recuperate faster and stop crying, that it was ok because i am still young. but they don't know the guilt i felt inside because i caused the death of my babies. it wasn't ok, i wasn't ok.
i went upstairs while my MIL and sister-in-law chatted with FIL for a bit. i needed to stop crying and be stronger. it wouldn't change anything even if i kept crying.
Nampyeon came up to talk to me and i poured out my worries. what if we were making a mistake trying to keep Minzy alive? nampyeon told me that if he was Minzy born disabled, he would still want to keep living. perhaps this is Minzy now - she wanted to live even when she's subjected to the pain. but what if Minzy can never be a normal child like others - will she still be happy? nampyeon said that disabled people who were born with disabilities don't really know what they have lost since they have never had it. On the other hand, if you had your hands and legs when you were born and they were taken from you - that's when you know what you lost and you would be much more unhappy than people who were born without it. As long as Minzy's intelligence remains intact, it doesn't matter if she has muscle problems - all she needs to be is happy afterwards. As parents, we might look at her with pain at every step, but as Minzy, she would still want to fight for her life. it would be too cruel to give up on her right now - we will just have to leave it to her and help her fight for her right to life. there's just another week till we have a more definite conclusion on what her long-term repercussions would be, so we shouldn't worry about it for now.
at around 1230am after our 2nd bedroom was cold enough we took Kinzy and Linzy upstairs. i dressed them in the fairy dresses i made and we played a neverending loop of baby lullabies to them.
it would be the first and last time i was mothering my babies. they felt rubbery and limp through my disposable gloves. Linzy had a certain weight to her head. when i unfolded Linzy she was actually wrapped with a small baby yukata and had a little diaper on her. she had small eyes, lips and nose and she actually resembled me. Kinzy lost so much liquid she was almost flat. i hurt, but i controlled myself and we even managed to take pictures with them.
my husband placed ice packs around to lower the temperature in the hopes they would decay slower, and we left the lullabies for them to accompany them through the night. the cremation was due the next day.
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