My journey with the triplets isn't over yet.
My body reminded me that there was still something I could do for Minzy, even when she is struggling at this moment. For premature births, the moms usually had breastmilk just a week after but it seems mine came that day. I had pains in my breasts and we decided to see if the hospital could help the next day, since we were supposed to go collect Kinzy and Linzy.
14 May
My breasts got harder and painful as the day goes by. We left house at 930am and thought if my breastmilk production really have started, I would be able to extract and pass it to the hospital then and there. However, it wasn't so easy. We couldn't get a consultation with the doctor because there was no prior reservation made and we got sent to the emergency area.
The doctor at the emergency area couldn't do anything either, and even cussed at the fact the gynaes sent me there. In between we got a call saying the official birth certs for our twins couldn't be processed because my name was spelt in English in the documents, and we would have to get a new set with my name spelt in Korean. We waited several hours just to get a consultation with the doctors to change this name. Isn't it weird that I couldn't get the doctors when I was in pain, but I can meet them because of paper matters? Nevertheless after we got our papers we proceeded to check out.
Apparently even when my prof initially told me there cases like mine were one of many, the doctors still could make mistakes with the papers and diagnosis. Somehow we were only supposed to get documents of the twins but the doctors processed it as triplets. Unfortunately since Kinzy passed away before birth, she wasn't counted as a legit birth here and shouldn't be given an official birth cert. The receptionist cussed again because they could not even process such simple matters. Deep down I was already hating the hospital more and more for not doing even things like this properly.
With all the time wasted, nampyeon had to cancel cremation and collection of our babies. We only managed to settle things around 4pm and headed home after that.
We got a call with regards to Minzy that day. Like all premature babies, she would lost weight for the first few days, probably 10g a day. She was born with a hole in her heart, and ultrasounds revealed that she had an enlarged arteriole connecting to her heart, which makes more blood flows to the lungs. They would have to monitor this and draw out blood in her lungs regularly so she does not choke from it. In most cases, the hole seals up slowly but if it is too enlarged she would have to go through a surgery. I pray that it does not end up that way... i can't imagine a baby at 450g having to be sliced up along her back T_T
Just in case, we also managed to get the breastmilk pumps, pads and sealed packs from Spectra that day. I was quite sure that my milk had started forming though the nurses said at least a week will be needed. Perhaps my body knew that Minzy needed this right now.
15 May
We managed to schedule a session with Oketani, a boob specialist that Jackie had recommended me. I spent about 40mins there for my first session, being squeezed and nipped and crushed in both boobs painfully the whole time. It turns out that milk production had started and clots were forming, hence explaining why my boobs were hard and painful to the touch. Being so tiny, Minzy only needed 2cc-5cc of milk per day and extra milk in the pack would be discarded. I could pump around 30-40cc each time, which was way more than enough that would be discarded anyway. After the session, we made our way to SNUH to deliver the freshly-squeezed milk. It was a rainy day, and it was so cold and windy outside.
A new update to Minzy - she has started eating 'normally'. I'm actually not sure what that means but I guess food is being processed within her, and it would be a good time for them to drip in breastmilk.
16 May
I went for my 2nd BM session today. It was still a painful 40mins but my boobs felt less swelled and hard after the massage. The children's hospital wasn't opened that day and we had to take a detour to get to the NICU for our milk delivery.
We had both good and bad news. Linzy was gaining weight, which was a pretty good sign since premature babies usually lose weight for quite a while before gaining. Being the tiniest baby there already, it would be terrible if she loses beyond 400g. The bad news was that there was bleeding in her brains. It hasn't reached a bad state and I just hope that with all the new nutrients in my BM, it would help Minzy overcome this. I miss my baby and I long to see and touch her, but on the other hand I was so so afraid that if anything goes wrong with her, I really don't know what I would do.
It has been just 5 days since I gave birth and I am slowly losing all the birth weight, standing at 47kg now. My body is starting to ache and I am not sure if it's because I showered twice and did housework, or if it's just normal post-birth. I've been waking up every 2.5hrs for my pumping session and my vision has started getting blurry. I still have blood discharge but it doesn't hurt anymore when I pee/shit. I seem to be free of constipation, passing motion in the day and night - I wonder if this is a gift my triplets sent me. Beyond that, I guess it will still take some more time before my health is nursed back to normal again. I still have extra belly layers to remind me of my pregnancy, that probably won't go away for a while.
We have scheduled for the cremation to be next week and will collect Kinzy and Linzy on Tuesday. My heart aches whenever I think of them lying in the cold morgue with only towels bundled around, in a paper box. Even though it will pain me, I long to see them and dress them up, and see them off properly. I want them to be reborn sooner, to a better mother and a better world. I haven't bought any baby stuff yet.. which was a good thing since it would have constantly reminded me of them, but I do have at least 1 triplet set that remains - a gift from Cheil hospital.
My babies..
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