I woke up at 5am suddenly feeling emptied. It was the time when checks were routinely made. I could no longer hear my babies heartbeat. My stomach had shrunk. I only had a needle on me and it wasn't hurting. I wasn't trembling and my hands didn't burn. I was feeling very slight contractions from post-birth and i felt blood discharging every now and then, but i was finally free of all physical pains. I was even sad to see the last nurtrient drip removed from me and i shocked myself with the thoughts of wanting the drips to just remain. I had 2 blood tests that day but curiously, the pain of the needles didn't seem so fearful after all. It was ok if they decide to poke me more. It was ok.
I could finally see Minzy that day. Her eyes were covered and her head wrapped up, but i could see her small body splayed out. She had a tube down her mouth and drips attached here and there but she seemed to be sleeping fine. My heart ached when i saw all the drips around her and i hated myself for passing my pain onto her small body. She probably knew I was in pain and wanted to help me rid them. She, and her sisters, had sacrificed themselves for me. I wept at this feeble-looking body, who was so much stronger than me.
Her incubator was all humid and i couldn't see her properly but she moved every now and then, just like she had when we looked at the babies through ultrasound. The environment mimicked a mom's womb, but the nurses said she wouldn't be able to hear me. Nevertheless i spoke softly to her and hoped she would be brave and fight through this. She was the smallest baby there at 450g but so far she seemed stable but it would be too soon to be happy yet. I prayed that she would be stronger than me. I prayed that she would pull through and let me carry her in my arms, and i would eternally shower all my love on her.
I noticed that there was a board with all the babies listed in NICU. There were so many names that had only baby 1 or baby 2, showing that only 1 of the twins survived amongst the many deliveries. Some of the twins weren't in the same ward but at least many twins did survive together. While I had kept thinking that many people seem to have a smooth pregnancy, it wasn't so after all. Bringing a life into this world... is really no easy feat.
I was discharged around 2pm that day.. This is the first and last selfie I have of myself, to commemorate my entire experience, and the living quarters I was at.
Before going home, nampyeon asked if i wanted to see Kinzy, our first loss. We went over to the funeral area and the undertaker took her out for us to see.
Kinzy was in a huge, elegant paper box (same size as her sister Linzy). She was bundled with such thick towels i thought she would be big but after unlayering at least 10times i saw that she was only palm-sized. The undertaker advised not to see but i would only feel regret if i didn't see her now. I started sobbing when i finally saw her. She looked like a glob of jelly and i could only make out what seemed to be her eye sockets. She had a little human form but her face was not fully developed. I was reminded of how i always saw her crouched and squeezed in a corner whenever we did ultrasounds. It pained me and i tears came flowing out again. We bundled her again and left for home after.
I came home to a messy state, as expected. However I was slightly glad that I could distract myself with all the re-organizing. I even managed to make clothes for Kinzy and Linzy. I wanted to send them off looking pretty, not naked like that. They had deserved so much more and there was nothing I could do for them anymore. If they were alive, surely they would grow up wearing even prettier things, smiling for me. When they leave, they would be pretty fairies, just like nampyeon's dream.
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