The cremation

26 May

It was midnight, just after i finished the zoom call with the girls. We tried moving the babies to our room so they could sleep with us for a night, but as soon as Linzy was in the room, water droplets formed around her face. It was just too warm for her. before i sent them back, i gave both my babies a kiss on their head. i wanted to hug them and put them to my heart, but they were so frail and so small, i was afraid i would break them.

We then moved all of them back to the fridge and ended up sitting in the kitchen writing letters to each of them and making origami tortoises. we wanted to stay by their side for just one last night, before we send them off in the morning. i placed the everland pandas by each of their side. they didn't have any toys at all so i thought it'd be good to put one with them. we tried to make their boxes as heartwarming as possible and placed in breastmilk as well. it was the least we could do for these babies.

come 8am, and it was time to depart for the crematorium. this time MIL and her brother, as well as her brother's wife, came along with us. nampyeon and i carried our babies boxes to the office and nampyeon registered the cremation - this time without any issues. Linzy was the first to be cremated (there was a fixed timing for registered and unregistered babies to be cremated). i touched her for the last time, and couldn't help but cried. it was so so hard to control, when i thought of how this little life suffered, and i was not able to see her in her final moments. there was regrets, and there was bitterness. i blamed myself again and again.

we were moved to the departure room, where we were separated from the cremation site behind a glass panel. Linzy was placed inside the crematorium, and the doors slid down. it took only 15seconds before i realised that i could no longer see her, or touch her. i couldn't say my goodbyes but cried for a long, long time.

we rested in a family room and waited while Linzy turned to ashes in the blazes. it took about 1hr before the cremation was completed and nampyeon went down to collect her ashes.

around 10am, we sent off Kinzy in the same way. i thought i had somehow controlled my feelings and even managed to whisper "잘 가요.." before i burst into tears again. I remembered Kinzy kicking healthily in our last ultrasound, and just a week after she was gone. and the ultrasounds that i saw of her after that... she was always crouching and squeezed in the corner. it pained me when i thought of how her last few moments. was she choking? was she crying for me? did she pass on the dream to nampyeon to ask us to save her? we would never know.

Kinzy took a little longer to complete. i guess the attendants listened to us and set a lower temperature for Kinzy as she was so so small. a strong blaze would have not left any ashes. it was fortunate we had remains of both of them. they were wrapped in paper and labeled. we placed them in a ziplock and carried them home. we contemplated burning our letters with them but in the end decided that we would put them in the urn together with the ashes, so our voices could be with them in the pigeon tin.

In a way it was as though something heavy was lifted off me. i wanted to be with them longer yet i was worried about the decay. i didn't want them to go looking too different from their final moments. but every time i see them i was in so much pain.

we had lunch with the people who came and i was surprised i could eat so much (probably because the food was good too).

after the hearty meal, we went home to prepare to see Minzy. since Minzy could eat again, we needed to send all the breastmilk collected for the past week for her.

We thought Minzy would be in a better state but it seems that she probably knew her sisters were sent off this morning. she was having a pretty difficult time. her face and body was awfully bloated, probably due to the water retention and the fact that she couldn't pee very well. her blood pressure was low and doctors had to give her medicine to raise it. she was battling with the candida infection and i'm not sure why but her stomach looked so black. the doctor told us that it was probably due to the accumulated waste inside her but i've never seen it so black. they also mentioned that the infection was probably passed to her at birth from me, and might even be due to the big diapers she was wearing. they asked us to get diapers for micro preemies. i can never understand why hospitals wouldn't have diapers for micro preemies....

anyway... Minzy's right arm was free from needles finally. i could finally see her little hands and fingers. it was so, so cute. she was moving her right arm and right leg (we wondered if her left side was ok as she was mainly moving her right arm and leg), as well as her little fingers. i desperately want to put my finger in her hands so she could hold it, but the nurses were the only ones who were able to touch her so freely. it was the first time her right arm was free of tape.

she opened her right eye ever so slightly while i was there and i was sure i saw a very tiny teardrop when she closed it again. was she in pain? was she sad? did she know her sisters left in the morning? it was so heartbreaking for me. i wanted to hold her and tell her it's ok... my brave child. i'm here. mommy's here. but she won't hear me. and i couldn't touch her.

that night, we placed Kinzy and Linzy's ashes in the urn and put the babies in our room, atop the airdresser. we would sleep with them till we find their burial site.