Delayed cremation

20 May

Nampyeon woke up in the wee hours to turn on the air con and bed warmer in our room. He wanted chance for us to sleep with the babies, in our main bed room. But it was already pump time by then and we had to leave house past 930 for the cremation, and i wasn't falling asleep again after i was woken up. 'It's ok,' he said 'they will at least be able to view their parent's room.

before leaving the house, i went to touch Kinzy and Linzy's head for the first time. As expected, the bodies were hard, but it was still human skin. Linzy's face was smooth and felt like a real baby to the touch. i longed to carry and kiss her but i was afraid i would mess up her clothes or break her arms... they were just too fragile.

we packed and got to the cremation grounds. there was another funeral going on and a huge crowd there. someone cried in front of the coffin box badly. i was so affected i tried to control my tears. we were marching through with 2 little coffins. i'm sure everyone could figure out that they weren't just normal boxes.

as usual, nothing ever goes according to plan. the person in charge told us that there was a problem with Linzy's name. it was registered as baby 2 in the death certificate, but since we registered her birth with an actual name, the 2 names should be matching. they would not cremate her and we had to bring both of them back home in the end.

my mind was too blank to think of anything. nampyeon had to go back to the hospital again to retrieve the correct death certificate for Linzy. we would have to take care of our babies for another few days.

proceeding with the funeral was so agonizing. just yesterday, we were supposed to receive our urn for the ashes but both the seller and the delivery person didn't know where the package was and nampyeon had to keep calling the both of them to insist that we needed the urn by yesterday. the seller eventually made a new one for us and dispatched it to us that night, and much to our surprise, the other urn that we had ordered had actually reached us yesterday as well, but we wondered why no one knew.

this was the 2nd time the cremation was delayed - first it was due to my sudden breastfeeding, and then it was because of my english names, and now it's because of the names on the death cert. i guess heaven wants me to spend more time with Kinzy and Linzy.

we went home and placed them in the fridge again. it was not a great place to be again, and nampyeon tried to place ice packs and dehumidifier inside to delay the decay, as they were already starting to change. hopefully they will remain fine till their cremation day. i noticed that there was a syringe with my breastmilk inside and nampyeon said it was for them to taste before they were cremated. he had switched on lullabies for them while they were in the fridge so they wouldn't be too lonely there. i was surprised at how thoughtful nampyeon was. i guess i won't have to worry about my corpse when i pass on.

we had chatted previously about when we would pass away, and nampyeon wanted a combined burial with me and our babies. i love the idea. at least we wouldn't be lonely when we had to go, he was already looking into family burial site, when he searched for one for our babies. the urn that he had bought prevented decay of the skeletal remains via removal of air inside and replacement with nitrogen. it was about 800+ sgd and nampyeon says that we could place our remains inside, together with Kinzy and Linzy later on. hopefully Minzy won't have to be with us, if she eventually grows up and starts her own family. he even joked about whether anyone would help put us together inside when we passed on. even if we don't have kids to help us... we could always get a lawyer to help i guess.

when nampyeon left for the hospital, i started to cry again. he hugged me before leaving and told me he loves me. i felt so bad he had to see me in tears because i know he hurt too. and i didn't want him to hurt. there were times i had sudden bouts of tears flowing out but i quickly wiped them off when i knew nampyeon is near. i don't want him to see me suffering and thinking that he can't do anything about it again. it really wasn't his fault he has to deal with such an emotional wife. it has been so long since he last blogged and i just happen to see it. i'm so sorry my love. i do want us to be happy from now on. i want to try and let go and be stronger. i know that he knows, whenever he holds my head and hug me. whenever he holds my hand when we sleep. whenever he tells me he loves me. i guess writing these blog posts reminded me of my pain again. i hope it will eventually be a way out - to write about my pain to relieve myself, instead of burdening people with my pain. this blog has almost no viewership so it is actually quite the perfect place.

i hope that if people with the same pain happen to see my posts, they would feel encouraged when i get well again. they would know that they are not the only ones who had to lose their babies, after being blessed with the initial good news. they are not the only ones cursed with bad pregnancy. if they have early contractions or preterm babies, they would know what they had to go through.

life just has a strange way of presenting obstacles and i just have to get through this. i've always told myself that pain is always temporary. perhaps it hurt just for the 2 seconds when the needle goes in, but after 3seconds, the pain is no longer there. because it's temporary, you just have to get through it and win it. it's not a 2 seconds pain for me now. it might be 2 weeks, 2 months, but i will get through it. the lullaby plays downstairs but when it's over, perhaps my tears will stop too. i'm willing it.