Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Fruits Feast

A plane crash on an island, only three guys survived. They were captured by the cannibal tribe and brought before the chief.
The chief said: "I will let you live if you manage to pass two trials."
They got no other choice but to ask: "What will be the first trial?"
Chief said: "Go into the forest and bring me ten fruits of the same kind."
They thought: "That's easy." So three of them set off immediately.
The first guy came back with ten apples. The chief told him that he had to stuff the ten apples into his ass without even making a noise to pass the second trial. The first one went in fine, but when the second one went in, he couldn't help but to scream in pain. He was chop into pieces and dump into the cooking pot with the apples he brought.
The second guy came back with ten cherries, The chief told him that he had to stuff the ten cherries into his ass without even making a noise to pass the second trial. The first one went in fine, the second one also went in fine, everything went fine until the last one, then he couldn't help but to laugh out loud. He was chop into pieces and dump into the cooking pot with the cherries he brought.
The first guy met the second guy in heaven and asked: "You could have survived, but why do you have to laugh at the last moment?"
Second guy said: "I couldn't help it, because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."


Rubber Things

A young girl's car broke down in front of a farm in a stormy night; she got no choice but to take shelter at the farm for the night. The farmer was unwilling at first, but only agree to it at one condition: "Both my sons are at their young and innocent age right now, I will only agree to let you stay for the night only if you promise that you will not sneak into their room in the middle of the night."
The girl agrees to the condition and stay for the night. She can't help but to sneak into the farmer sons' room in the middle of the night.
She told the two young man: "I am going to give you two the best time of your life, but I don't want to be pregnant, so you two will have to wear these rubber things.
Fifty years later, the two brothers were sitting in front of the farm.
"Do you still remember the girl who came into our room on a stormy night thirty years ago?"
"Sure do! I really had the best time of my life."
"Do you care if she really get pregnant now?"
"No, why do you ask?"
Do you think it's about time we remove that rubber thing?"


Monkey Bar

An old man brought his pet monkey to a bar, he went and sit down at the bar counter and let the monkey loose.
The monkey run to the pool table, grab the white ball and swallows it.
The bartender was so angry that he chases the old man and his monkey out of the bar. A week later, the old man came back with the monkey.
The bartender give the monkey a bowl of peanuts to keep it occupied so that it would not create problem in his bar again. But after a while he can't help but to asks the old man: "I seem to notice that your monkey is doing some disgusting thing, why do he had to put every peanut into his ass hole first before he eat it?"
The old man answered: "You remember the white ball he swallow last week? He got a hard time ****ting it out, so now he will measure everything before he eat it."


Stock Exchange

A shop owner employed a new shopkeeper. One day, when the shop owner was not around, a customer came by looking for a bottle of kerosene. The shopkeeper went into the store and search, came back and said: "Sorry, sir. We just run out of kerosene this morning."
The customer left. After the shop owner came back, the shopkeeper informs him about the incident.
The shop owner was angry: "Why you never recommend something similar like the paint thinner? We still got a lot of paint thinner in our store."
Another day, when the shop owner was not around, a customer came by looking for a roll of toilet paper. The shopkeeper went into the store and search, came back and said: "Sorry, sir. We just run out of toilet paper this morning, would you like to get some sand paper instead?"


Duck Tales

A duck went into a provision store and asked: "Do you have any grapes?"
The shopkeeper answer: "No, we don't sell grapes here."
The next day, the duck came back again and asked: "Do you have any grapes?"
The shopkeeper answer: "No, we don't sell grapes here. How many times do I have to tell you? If you come and bother me again, I am going to nail your feet to the ground."
The next day, the duck came back again and asked: "Do you have any nails?"
The shopkeeper was surprised; he went into the store and search. He came back after a while and said: "I am sorry, sir. We happen to run out of nails this morning."
The duck said: " Then do you happen to have any grapes?"


Pretty Woman

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, then walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "That was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it ;I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies the husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife.


International Call

A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims, "I don't have any money but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
To that the man asks, "Anything?"
And the blonde says, "Yes, Anything!" With that the man says, "Follow me!" He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees." She does.
He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.
Then he says, "Go ahead, and take it out." With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!"
She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "Hello, mom?"

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