characters
lightning
See More Final Fantasy XIII Screenshot at IGN.comsnow villiers
sazh katzroy
hope estheim
serah farron
oerba dia vanille
oerba yunfang
nora
carbuncle
shiva
must be a chocobo
more screenshots here!
and the official website!
Friday, November 13, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
managed to color the foam that was cut like 2weeks ago. was hoping for a brighter silver at the edge, but must be my phone - it looks so dull.
oh well, wouldn't have been able to get this prototype out without maomao's help (",) thank youuuuu! i can only sand the edges T.T
gonna put the carvings on this week.
oh well, wouldn't have been able to get this prototype out without maomao's help (",) thank youuuuu! i can only sand the edges T.T
gonna put the carvings on this week.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Song Title : 03. 말 도 없 이 Mal do eops i
Artist : 나 인 스 트 릿 (9th STREET)
Album : SBS ` 미 남 이 시 네 요 ` O.S.T
(picked the shinwoo one cos it's HD and he's just so sweet *_*)
ha ji mal geor geu raess eo mo reun cheog hae beo ril geol
하 지 말 걸 그 랬 어 모 른 척 해 버 릴 걸
an bo i neun geot cheo reom bol su eopt neun geot cheo reom
안 보 이 는 것 처 럼 볼 수 없 는 것 처 럼
neor a ye bo ji mar geor geu raet na bwa
널 아 예 보 지 말 걸 그 랬 나 봐
do mang chir geor geu raess eo mot deur eun cheog geu reol geol
도 망 칠 걸 그 랬 어 못 들 은 척 그 럴 걸
deut ji do mot ha neun cheog deur eur su eopt neun geot cheo reom a ye ne
듣 지 도 못 하 는 척 들 을 수 없 는 것 처 럼 아 예 네
sa rang deut ji anh eur geol
사 랑 듣 지 않 을 걸
mal do eops i sa rang eur al ge ha go mal do eops i sa rang eur nae ge ju go
말 도 없 이 사 랑 을 알 게 하 고 말 도 없 이 사 랑 을 내 게 주 고
sum gyeor ha na jo cha neor dam ge hae noh go i reoh ge do mang ga ni kka
숨 결 하 나 조 차 널 담 게 해 놓 고 이 렇 게 도 망 가 니 까
mal do eops i sa rang i na reul tteo na mal do eops i sa rang i na reur beo ryeo
말 도 없 이 사 랑 이 나 를 떠 나 말 도 없 이 사 랑 이 나 를 버 려
mu seun mar eur hal ji da mun ib i hon ja seo nol lan geos gat a
무 슨 말 을 할 지 다 문 입 이 혼 자 서 놀 란 것 같 아
mal do eops i wa seo
말 도 없 이 와 서
wae i reoh ge a peun ji wae ja kku man a peun ji
왜 이 렇 게 아 픈 지 왜 자 꾸 만 아 픈 지
neor bol su eopt da neun geo ne ga eopt da neun geo mal go
널 볼 수 없 다 는 거 네 가 없 다 는 거 말 고
mo du ye jeon gwa ttok gat eun geon de
모 두 예 전 과 똑 같 은 건 데
mal do eops i sa rang eur al ge ha go mal do eops i sa rang eur nae ge ju go
말 도 없 이 사 랑 을 알 게 하 고 말 도 없 이 사 랑 을 내 게 주 고
sum gyeor ha na jo cha neor dam ge hae noh go i reoh ge do mang ga ni kka
숨 결 하 나 조 차 널 담 게 해 놓 고 이 렇 게 도 망 가 니 까
mal do eops i sa rang i na reul tteo na mal dong beos i sa rang i na reul beo ryeo
말 도 없 이 사 랑 이 나 를 떠 나 말 동 벗 이 사 랑 이 나 를 버 려
mu seun mar eur hal ji da mun ib i hon ja seo nol lan geos gat a
무 슨 말 을 할 지 다 문 입 이 혼 자 서 놀 란 것 같 아
mal do eops i nun mur i heul leo nae ryeo mal do eops i ga seum i mu neo jyeo ga
말 도 없 이 눈 물 이 흘 러 내 려 말 도 없 이 가 슴 이 무 너 져 가
mal do eopt neun sa rang eur gi da ri go mal do eopt neun sa rang eur a pa ha go
말 도 없 는 사 랑 을 기 다 리 고 말 도 없 는 사 랑 을 아 파 하 고
neoks i na ga beo ryeo ba bo ga doe beo ryeo ha neul man bo go u ni kka
넋 이 나 가 버 려 바 보 가 되 버 려 하 늘 만 보 고 우 니 까
mal do eops i i byeor i na reul chaj a mal do eops i i byeor i nae ge wa seo
말 도 없 이 이 별 이 나 를 찾 아 말 도 없 이 이 별 이 내 게 와 서
jun bi do mot ha go neo reur bo nae ya ha neun nae mam i nol lan geos gat a
준 비 도 못 하 고 너 를 보 내 야 하 는 내 맘 이 놀 란 것 같 아
mal do eops i wa seo
말 도 없 이 와 서
mal do eops i wat da ga mal do eops i tteo na neun
말 도 없 이 왔 다 가 말 도 없 이 떠 나 는
ji na gan yeol byeong cheo reom jam si a peu myeon doe na bwa ja kku hyung teo man nam ge doe ni kka
지 나 간 열 병 처 럼 잠 시 아 프 면 되 나 봐 자 꾸 흉 터 만 남 게 되 니 까
Artist : 나 인 스 트 릿 (9th STREET)
Album : SBS ` 미 남 이 시 네 요 ` O.S.T
(picked the shinwoo one cos it's HD and he's just so sweet *_*)
ha ji mal geor geu raess eo mo reun cheog hae beo ril geol
하 지 말 걸 그 랬 어 모 른 척 해 버 릴 걸
an bo i neun geot cheo reom bol su eopt neun geot cheo reom
안 보 이 는 것 처 럼 볼 수 없 는 것 처 럼
neor a ye bo ji mar geor geu raet na bwa
널 아 예 보 지 말 걸 그 랬 나 봐
do mang chir geor geu raess eo mot deur eun cheog geu reol geol
도 망 칠 걸 그 랬 어 못 들 은 척 그 럴 걸
deut ji do mot ha neun cheog deur eur su eopt neun geot cheo reom a ye ne
듣 지 도 못 하 는 척 들 을 수 없 는 것 처 럼 아 예 네
sa rang deut ji anh eur geol
사 랑 듣 지 않 을 걸
mal do eops i sa rang eur al ge ha go mal do eops i sa rang eur nae ge ju go
말 도 없 이 사 랑 을 알 게 하 고 말 도 없 이 사 랑 을 내 게 주 고
sum gyeor ha na jo cha neor dam ge hae noh go i reoh ge do mang ga ni kka
숨 결 하 나 조 차 널 담 게 해 놓 고 이 렇 게 도 망 가 니 까
mal do eops i sa rang i na reul tteo na mal do eops i sa rang i na reur beo ryeo
말 도 없 이 사 랑 이 나 를 떠 나 말 도 없 이 사 랑 이 나 를 버 려
mu seun mar eur hal ji da mun ib i hon ja seo nol lan geos gat a
무 슨 말 을 할 지 다 문 입 이 혼 자 서 놀 란 것 같 아
mal do eops i wa seo
말 도 없 이 와 서
wae i reoh ge a peun ji wae ja kku man a peun ji
왜 이 렇 게 아 픈 지 왜 자 꾸 만 아 픈 지
neor bol su eopt da neun geo ne ga eopt da neun geo mal go
널 볼 수 없 다 는 거 네 가 없 다 는 거 말 고
mo du ye jeon gwa ttok gat eun geon de
모 두 예 전 과 똑 같 은 건 데
mal do eops i sa rang eur al ge ha go mal do eops i sa rang eur nae ge ju go
말 도 없 이 사 랑 을 알 게 하 고 말 도 없 이 사 랑 을 내 게 주 고
sum gyeor ha na jo cha neor dam ge hae noh go i reoh ge do mang ga ni kka
숨 결 하 나 조 차 널 담 게 해 놓 고 이 렇 게 도 망 가 니 까
mal do eops i sa rang i na reul tteo na mal dong beos i sa rang i na reul beo ryeo
말 도 없 이 사 랑 이 나 를 떠 나 말 동 벗 이 사 랑 이 나 를 버 려
mu seun mar eur hal ji da mun ib i hon ja seo nol lan geos gat a
무 슨 말 을 할 지 다 문 입 이 혼 자 서 놀 란 것 같 아
mal do eops i nun mur i heul leo nae ryeo mal do eops i ga seum i mu neo jyeo ga
말 도 없 이 눈 물 이 흘 러 내 려 말 도 없 이 가 슴 이 무 너 져 가
mal do eopt neun sa rang eur gi da ri go mal do eopt neun sa rang eur a pa ha go
말 도 없 는 사 랑 을 기 다 리 고 말 도 없 는 사 랑 을 아 파 하 고
neoks i na ga beo ryeo ba bo ga doe beo ryeo ha neul man bo go u ni kka
넋 이 나 가 버 려 바 보 가 되 버 려 하 늘 만 보 고 우 니 까
mal do eops i i byeor i na reul chaj a mal do eops i i byeor i nae ge wa seo
말 도 없 이 이 별 이 나 를 찾 아 말 도 없 이 이 별 이 내 게 와 서
jun bi do mot ha go neo reur bo nae ya ha neun nae mam i nol lan geos gat a
준 비 도 못 하 고 너 를 보 내 야 하 는 내 맘 이 놀 란 것 같 아
mal do eops i wa seo
말 도 없 이 와 서
mal do eops i wat da ga mal do eops i tteo na neun
말 도 없 이 왔 다 가 말 도 없 이 떠 나 는
ji na gan yeol byeong cheo reom jam si a peu myeon doe na bwa ja kku hyung teo man nam ge doe ni kka
지 나 간 열 병 처 럼 잠 시 아 프 면 되 나 봐 자 꾸 흉 터 만 남 게 되 니 까
Monday, November 09, 2009
i thought my emily is too big, so i made a smaller one.
the head is like 1/4 the existing one. it's damn cute. i think i'll hang it on my bag, and offer the bigger one for adoption. hahaha.
need to cut some wig for her. hmm.
actually i tried to take some pictures with both of them, and it seems that the bigger one looks better in photos. the small one is barely visible.
erhhh is it xarxes or xerxes?!?!
the head is like 1/4 the existing one. it's damn cute. i think i'll hang it on my bag, and offer the bigger one for adoption. hahaha.
need to cut some wig for her. hmm.
actually i tried to take some pictures with both of them, and it seems that the bigger one looks better in photos. the small one is barely visible.
erhhh is it xarxes or xerxes?!?!
chained these beads up while i was watching you are beautiful. (go mi nam, you must be tired of living. taekyung is so cute. so is shinwoo and jeremy. <3)
didn't have enough purple beads.. so i mixed in pink ones. seriously they look quite awful.
added the clip at the back
oh well. thinking of how i can still improve on this. bleahs.
didn't have enough purple beads.. so i mixed in pink ones. seriously they look quite awful.
added the clip at the back
oh well. thinking of how i can still improve on this. bleahs.
a very inspirational piece because of xrystal's BRS cosplay.
was wondering how you can do it 2D like... and file folder is the answer! so i went off to get some at popular and cut them out.
added the pin-comb thing at the back but i think i'll still need lots of supporting pins. my lighting is really very bad, even with flash this is the best i can do
and the front. i love the overall effect! yahoo!
was wondering how you can do it 2D like... and file folder is the answer! so i went off to get some at popular and cut them out.
added the pin-comb thing at the back but i think i'll still need lots of supporting pins. my lighting is really very bad, even with flash this is the best i can do
and the front. i love the overall effect! yahoo!
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
quite proud of my nails, and i'm sure they look better if i had better lighting. for sales!! for orders! if anyone is interested. haha.
only thing is, my table is filled with superglue stains (and by the way, nail glue is actually superglue! cheaters!) - any idea how i can remove those??!?!? looks so horrible...
only thing is, my table is filled with superglue stains (and by the way, nail glue is actually superglue! cheaters!) - any idea how i can remove those??!?!? looks so horrible...
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
ok, this MV is a super spoiler for those who don't watch the show. (",)
for whoever is interested in watching the show! http://www.epdrama.com/category/you-are-beautiful/
for whoever is interested in watching the show! http://www.epdrama.com/category/you-are-beautiful/
SONG : 여전히 (미남이시네요 ost)
ARTIST :이홍기 LEEHONGKI / A.N. JELL
사랑은 아닐거라고 절대로 아닐거라고
sa rang eun a nil geo ra go
사 랑 은 아 닐 거 라 고
jeol dae ro a nil geo ra go
절 대 로 아 닐 거 라 고
mae beon sog yeo wat ji man nae mam eun ja kku neo reur bu reu go
매 번 속 여 왔 지 만 내 맘 은 자 꾸 너 를 부 르 고
han geor eum do mang chyeo bo go han geor eum mir eo nae bwa do
한 걸 음 도 망 쳐 보 고 한 걸 음 밀 어 내 봐 도
geu reor su rog neon nae an e keo jeo ga go iss eo
그 럴 수 록 넌 내 안 에 커 저 가 고 있 어
geu man keum sa rang ha na bwa geu man keum gi da ri na bwa
그 만 큼 사 랑 하 나 봐 그 만 큼 기 다 리 나 봐
geu to rog a peu ge hae do nae mam eun neor tteo nar su eopt na bwa
그 토 록 아 프 게 해 도 내 맘 은 널 떠 날 수 없 나 봐
sa rang eun ha na in ga bwa
사 랑 은 하 나 인 가 봐
nae mam eun byeon chi an na bwa
내 맘 은 변 치 안 나 봐
neor hyang hae ji kyeo on sa rang i je neun da man ar su it da go
널 향 해 지 켜 온 사 랑 이 제 는 다 만 알 수 있 다 고
tta tteut han neo ui nun bic i tta tteut han neo ui sa rang i
따 뜻 한 너 의 눈 빛 이 따 뜻 한 너 의 사 랑 이
dar a nar su rog nae an e keo jyeo ga go iss eo
달 아 날 수 록 내 안 에 커 져 가 고 있 어
neo do nar sa rang haet na bwa neo do nar gi da ryeot na bwa
너 도 날 사 랑 했 나 봐 너 도 날 기 다 렸 나 봐
geu to rog a peu ge hae do ne mam eun nar tteo nar su eopt na bwa
그 토 록 아 프 게 해 도 네 맘 은 날 떠 날 수 없 나 봐
sa rang eun ha na in ga bwa
사 랑 은 하 나 인 가 봐
nae mam eun byeon chi an na bwa
내 맘 은 변 치 안 나 봐
neor hyang hae ji kyeo on sa rang i je neun da man ar su it da go
널 향 해 지 켜 온 사 랑 이 제 는 다 만 알 수 있 다 고
neor sa rang hae
널 사 랑 해
ttae ro neun sa rang i hog eun nun mur i
때 로 는 사 랑 이 혹 은 눈 물 이
u rir him deul ge hae do
우 릴 힘 들 게 해 도
sa rang hae sa rang hae nae gyeot en neo man iss eu myeon dwae
사 랑 해 사 랑 해 내 곁 엔 너 만 있 으 면 돼
yeo jeon hi sa rang ha na bwa
여 전 히 사 랑 하 나 봐
yeo jeon hi gi da ri na bwa
여 전 히 기 다 리 나 봐
meo ri reur sog yeo bo a do ga seum eun sog ir su neun eopt na bwa
머 리 를 속 여 보 아 도 가 슴 은 속 일 수 는 없 나 봐
sa rang eun ha na in ga bwa
사 랑 은 하 나 인 가 봐
nae mam eun byeon chi an na bwa
내 맘 은 변 치 안 나 봐
neor hyang hae ji kyeo on sa rang i je neun da man ar su it da go
널 향 해 지 켜 온 사 랑 이 제 는 다 만 알 수 있 다 고
neor sa rang hae
널 사 랑 해
ARTIST :이홍기 LEEHONGKI / A.N. JELL
사랑은 아닐거라고 절대로 아닐거라고
sa rang eun a nil geo ra go
사 랑 은 아 닐 거 라 고
jeol dae ro a nil geo ra go
절 대 로 아 닐 거 라 고
mae beon sog yeo wat ji man nae mam eun ja kku neo reur bu reu go
매 번 속 여 왔 지 만 내 맘 은 자 꾸 너 를 부 르 고
han geor eum do mang chyeo bo go han geor eum mir eo nae bwa do
한 걸 음 도 망 쳐 보 고 한 걸 음 밀 어 내 봐 도
geu reor su rog neon nae an e keo jeo ga go iss eo
그 럴 수 록 넌 내 안 에 커 저 가 고 있 어
geu man keum sa rang ha na bwa geu man keum gi da ri na bwa
그 만 큼 사 랑 하 나 봐 그 만 큼 기 다 리 나 봐
geu to rog a peu ge hae do nae mam eun neor tteo nar su eopt na bwa
그 토 록 아 프 게 해 도 내 맘 은 널 떠 날 수 없 나 봐
sa rang eun ha na in ga bwa
사 랑 은 하 나 인 가 봐
nae mam eun byeon chi an na bwa
내 맘 은 변 치 안 나 봐
neor hyang hae ji kyeo on sa rang i je neun da man ar su it da go
널 향 해 지 켜 온 사 랑 이 제 는 다 만 알 수 있 다 고
tta tteut han neo ui nun bic i tta tteut han neo ui sa rang i
따 뜻 한 너 의 눈 빛 이 따 뜻 한 너 의 사 랑 이
dar a nar su rog nae an e keo jyeo ga go iss eo
달 아 날 수 록 내 안 에 커 져 가 고 있 어
neo do nar sa rang haet na bwa neo do nar gi da ryeot na bwa
너 도 날 사 랑 했 나 봐 너 도 날 기 다 렸 나 봐
geu to rog a peu ge hae do ne mam eun nar tteo nar su eopt na bwa
그 토 록 아 프 게 해 도 네 맘 은 날 떠 날 수 없 나 봐
sa rang eun ha na in ga bwa
사 랑 은 하 나 인 가 봐
nae mam eun byeon chi an na bwa
내 맘 은 변 치 안 나 봐
neor hyang hae ji kyeo on sa rang i je neun da man ar su it da go
널 향 해 지 켜 온 사 랑 이 제 는 다 만 알 수 있 다 고
neor sa rang hae
널 사 랑 해
ttae ro neun sa rang i hog eun nun mur i
때 로 는 사 랑 이 혹 은 눈 물 이
u rir him deul ge hae do
우 릴 힘 들 게 해 도
sa rang hae sa rang hae nae gyeot en neo man iss eu myeon dwae
사 랑 해 사 랑 해 내 곁 엔 너 만 있 으 면 돼
yeo jeon hi sa rang ha na bwa
여 전 히 사 랑 하 나 봐
yeo jeon hi gi da ri na bwa
여 전 히 기 다 리 나 봐
meo ri reur sog yeo bo a do ga seum eun sog ir su neun eopt na bwa
머 리 를 속 여 보 아 도 가 슴 은 속 일 수 는 없 나 봐
sa rang eun ha na in ga bwa
사 랑 은 하 나 인 가 봐
nae mam eun byeon chi an na bwa
내 맘 은 변 치 안 나 봐
neor hyang hae ji kyeo on sa rang i je neun da man ar su it da go
널 향 해 지 켜 온 사 랑 이 제 는 다 만 알 수 있 다 고
neor sa rang hae
널 사 랑 해
Thursday, October 15, 2009
An eulogy for Kon Yoke Lian, aged 65 – my grandmother.
My memory of her probably goes back to when I was only 5 or 6 years old, the first time she had a relapse and bit her tongue in front of me, the whites of her eyes so obvious, and foaming around the mouth. That happened when she accidentally tripped and rolled down the stairs and was sent to the hospital that night.
My po po was tough, unselfish and was always content with what she has – I have never seen her throw a tantrum, nor have I witnessed any complaints. As someone who was not from a well-off family, I have often wondered how she has managed to support her 3 daughters and 2 sons – she, who lived off selling noodles, and who was not very well educated. I suppose this is a mystery only mothers can solve.
Her next hospital trip was for an operation to remove the 3 malicious tumors in her brain. With her body conditions, there was not even a 50% chance that she will live through the surgery. But she did.
On 9th sept, when she revisited the hospital once more, we came to realize that there was yet another cancerous growth in her breast, which was already at its terminal stage, and any further treatments would only cause her more pain and prolong her suffering. She was still cheery and nonchalant, assuring us that there was nothing we could do, and that death was only another phase humans have to go through. The news was surreal and sudden, the situation unmatched to the circumstances. We can wave it off with laughter if we had wanted, just to reassure her it was all joke, but I couldn’t. It became that she was the one reassuring us instead. We hugged her goodbye when we left. My po po was subsequently moved back to my aunt’s house to spend her remaining days, and we tried to visit as much as we could thereafter.
2 weeks before, she could still sit up and talk to us, but one of her legs were already numb. She refused to take medicine, and her temper was alike to that of a kid, who refused to eat the vegetables placed on a dinner plate. She didn’t like the plain congees, she wanted fried fish balls and roasted meat. She didn’t want to stop at just one sesame ball. And of course, no matter how much we told her that these oily food would only cause her more harm, and she should have her daily dose of pills, she wouldn’t listen. That day, she laid helpless on her bed while my aunt massaged her growing tummy. Food that was swallowed cannot be digested properly, for her liver was already failing.
We visited her again the next day, but she was already bedridden. Her right arm flipped up and down constantly, and she turned her head from side to side once in a while, as if trying to move the remaining muscles she has left. She would sometimes roll to the left, in an attempt to climb off bed, as if wanting to go to a certain place, or to just get out of this sickness-filled room. Her eyes would half-open to recognize her visitors. She couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t breathe properly, couldn’t speak. The cells were probably damaging her lungs and her heart as well. Her excretions were uncontrollable, as her organs came to a complete failure. She had purple bruises all over her arms, legs and tummy, a results of internal bleeding. Her face was yellow and sallow, as liquids drained from her body. She would never taste the bird’s nest we brought too late, nor water, nor any oily food we claimed were bad for her health. Only morphine could stop her pain, and only one more person could put an end – her eldest son, who refused to see her, who put the blame on his sisters for causing things to take a tide this way (he, who i will not sully this post with words of loathing). When we bade her goodbye, she could only turn her head in acknowledgement.
We went home that day, which we shouldn’t have. Mom dreamt about a flock of black crows, which she couldn’t chase away as soon as she opened her windows, and of a faded figure of po po beneath it the next morning. I went to work as usual. Her last breath was drawn at 12.45pm, after a final look at her youngest son, and knowing that the person she was waiting for would never come.
The funeral was held that very day, a continuous chanting from her children and grandchildren to send her on the right path, followed by a cleansing of her body. All the females present helped wipe her body clean and spread powder, so she would smell nice and feel clean. She looked the prettiest that night, decked in new clothes, jewelry and a freshly powdered complexion. She even had pink lip gloss on, probably the only make up she has ever had in her life.
My po po was carried down and placed into a beautiful brown casket with gold trimmings on the edges, and placed behind her own altar in the morning. While the first round of chant starts and the monks sealed her casket’s cover, the wind blew strongly and thunder was heard at the same time the hammering started, as if mourning for her loss, for her last regret.
My 5yr boy and 7yr girl cousins asked, when I was alone with po po later in the day – ‘Where is she going? Why is she in a box? What is the yellow drape over her? Why are there flowers around her box? Is the place she’s going good? Will I ever be like this? Why is your mom and my mom crying? Is po po dead?’ So innocent and pure, and not even knowing the concept of death, they asked, and I couldn’t return any proper answers. I am not even sure of them myself. They say you shouldn’t cry in the presence of the person who has gone, so I made my exit while I still could. My cousins could dance around, and showed envy at my po po who could go to a heavenly place with aircon, while being carried around relaxed within the box. Additionally, not knowing whether it was the truth or not since he refused to tell afterwards, my little boy cousin told me ‘Popo told me she wants to wake up…’
The wind was strong occasionally, accompanied by the sound of bells chiming. It blew off the candles placed on the side of the joss coil jar. My mom says heavens felt her pain and regret and has reacted to it. I would have usually waved that off as just a coincidence, but I would need the same reason for everything else that happened (later on, when she was placed in the same no. as the block the funeral was held at, her association with the number 9 – ward room & level, cremation room, etc). The warm meals we served on the altar turned cold due to the wind – did she eat them, really? Those weren’t even po po’s favourite dishes. She was never a vegetarian (then again, she was never a Buddhist either). She loved fried food and everything that spoils your health. Yet towards the end, she never got to taste them.
The cremation happened the next day. The rite was fast, the chanting was a slur of rapid syllabi. The machine lifted the casket automatically and tilted it in the incinerator, to be turned to ashes, basked in flames. This was how fast a person could disappear – in a minute, leaving pieces of bones behind to be placed in a little ceramic jar, relocated to a crowded cupboard space, and never to see light again.
My po po was the richest at her funeral – she raised more than what was needed to pay off the ceremony, contributions by our beloved relatives, friends and colleagues. The remaining was donated to Metta, to go to the volunteer group who came to chant for her on the first day for 5 hours straight, the doctors who came of their free will, the priest who helped cleanse her body.
I dedicate this to her today, the 7th day since she left this world. We love you.
My memory of her probably goes back to when I was only 5 or 6 years old, the first time she had a relapse and bit her tongue in front of me, the whites of her eyes so obvious, and foaming around the mouth. That happened when she accidentally tripped and rolled down the stairs and was sent to the hospital that night.
My po po was tough, unselfish and was always content with what she has – I have never seen her throw a tantrum, nor have I witnessed any complaints. As someone who was not from a well-off family, I have often wondered how she has managed to support her 3 daughters and 2 sons – she, who lived off selling noodles, and who was not very well educated. I suppose this is a mystery only mothers can solve.
Her next hospital trip was for an operation to remove the 3 malicious tumors in her brain. With her body conditions, there was not even a 50% chance that she will live through the surgery. But she did.
On 9th sept, when she revisited the hospital once more, we came to realize that there was yet another cancerous growth in her breast, which was already at its terminal stage, and any further treatments would only cause her more pain and prolong her suffering. She was still cheery and nonchalant, assuring us that there was nothing we could do, and that death was only another phase humans have to go through. The news was surreal and sudden, the situation unmatched to the circumstances. We can wave it off with laughter if we had wanted, just to reassure her it was all joke, but I couldn’t. It became that she was the one reassuring us instead. We hugged her goodbye when we left. My po po was subsequently moved back to my aunt’s house to spend her remaining days, and we tried to visit as much as we could thereafter.
2 weeks before, she could still sit up and talk to us, but one of her legs were already numb. She refused to take medicine, and her temper was alike to that of a kid, who refused to eat the vegetables placed on a dinner plate. She didn’t like the plain congees, she wanted fried fish balls and roasted meat. She didn’t want to stop at just one sesame ball. And of course, no matter how much we told her that these oily food would only cause her more harm, and she should have her daily dose of pills, she wouldn’t listen. That day, she laid helpless on her bed while my aunt massaged her growing tummy. Food that was swallowed cannot be digested properly, for her liver was already failing.
We visited her again the next day, but she was already bedridden. Her right arm flipped up and down constantly, and she turned her head from side to side once in a while, as if trying to move the remaining muscles she has left. She would sometimes roll to the left, in an attempt to climb off bed, as if wanting to go to a certain place, or to just get out of this sickness-filled room. Her eyes would half-open to recognize her visitors. She couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t breathe properly, couldn’t speak. The cells were probably damaging her lungs and her heart as well. Her excretions were uncontrollable, as her organs came to a complete failure. She had purple bruises all over her arms, legs and tummy, a results of internal bleeding. Her face was yellow and sallow, as liquids drained from her body. She would never taste the bird’s nest we brought too late, nor water, nor any oily food we claimed were bad for her health. Only morphine could stop her pain, and only one more person could put an end – her eldest son, who refused to see her, who put the blame on his sisters for causing things to take a tide this way (he, who i will not sully this post with words of loathing). When we bade her goodbye, she could only turn her head in acknowledgement.
We went home that day, which we shouldn’t have. Mom dreamt about a flock of black crows, which she couldn’t chase away as soon as she opened her windows, and of a faded figure of po po beneath it the next morning. I went to work as usual. Her last breath was drawn at 12.45pm, after a final look at her youngest son, and knowing that the person she was waiting for would never come.
The funeral was held that very day, a continuous chanting from her children and grandchildren to send her on the right path, followed by a cleansing of her body. All the females present helped wipe her body clean and spread powder, so she would smell nice and feel clean. She looked the prettiest that night, decked in new clothes, jewelry and a freshly powdered complexion. She even had pink lip gloss on, probably the only make up she has ever had in her life.
My po po was carried down and placed into a beautiful brown casket with gold trimmings on the edges, and placed behind her own altar in the morning. While the first round of chant starts and the monks sealed her casket’s cover, the wind blew strongly and thunder was heard at the same time the hammering started, as if mourning for her loss, for her last regret.
My 5yr boy and 7yr girl cousins asked, when I was alone with po po later in the day – ‘Where is she going? Why is she in a box? What is the yellow drape over her? Why are there flowers around her box? Is the place she’s going good? Will I ever be like this? Why is your mom and my mom crying? Is po po dead?’ So innocent and pure, and not even knowing the concept of death, they asked, and I couldn’t return any proper answers. I am not even sure of them myself. They say you shouldn’t cry in the presence of the person who has gone, so I made my exit while I still could. My cousins could dance around, and showed envy at my po po who could go to a heavenly place with aircon, while being carried around relaxed within the box. Additionally, not knowing whether it was the truth or not since he refused to tell afterwards, my little boy cousin told me ‘Popo told me she wants to wake up…’
The wind was strong occasionally, accompanied by the sound of bells chiming. It blew off the candles placed on the side of the joss coil jar. My mom says heavens felt her pain and regret and has reacted to it. I would have usually waved that off as just a coincidence, but I would need the same reason for everything else that happened (later on, when she was placed in the same no. as the block the funeral was held at, her association with the number 9 – ward room & level, cremation room, etc). The warm meals we served on the altar turned cold due to the wind – did she eat them, really? Those weren’t even po po’s favourite dishes. She was never a vegetarian (then again, she was never a Buddhist either). She loved fried food and everything that spoils your health. Yet towards the end, she never got to taste them.
The cremation happened the next day. The rite was fast, the chanting was a slur of rapid syllabi. The machine lifted the casket automatically and tilted it in the incinerator, to be turned to ashes, basked in flames. This was how fast a person could disappear – in a minute, leaving pieces of bones behind to be placed in a little ceramic jar, relocated to a crowded cupboard space, and never to see light again.
My po po was the richest at her funeral – she raised more than what was needed to pay off the ceremony, contributions by our beloved relatives, friends and colleagues. The remaining was donated to Metta, to go to the volunteer group who came to chant for her on the first day for 5 hours straight, the doctors who came of their free will, the priest who helped cleanse her body.
I dedicate this to her today, the 7th day since she left this world. We love you.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
and the yukata...
1) cutting out from template
2) seaming the edges
3) piecing the 2 main pieces together at the back
4) sewing the sleeves
5) put main pieces and sleeves together
6) cut a super long strip for black and purple, and sew them together (this is for the collar)
7) tack along the neckline and sew
8) have put in the purple lining... basically it's cutting the same pieces as step 1 but in purple, then sew it inside
9) kinda realised my yukata is too short so i cut extra black cloth to attach to it (this is the final product actually... wala!)
10) then cut extra purple cloth to attach to the insides
11) purple long strips to the obi
1) cutting out from template
2) seaming the edges
3) piecing the 2 main pieces together at the back
4) sewing the sleeves
5) put main pieces and sleeves together
6) cut a super long strip for black and purple, and sew them together (this is for the collar)
7) tack along the neckline and sew
8) have put in the purple lining... basically it's cutting the same pieces as step 1 but in purple, then sew it inside
9) kinda realised my yukata is too short so i cut extra black cloth to attach to it (this is the final product actually... wala!)
10) then cut extra purple cloth to attach to the insides
11) purple long strips to the obi
Thursday, October 01, 2009
of course, nobody remembered.
and the mooncake is just some leftover you pulled out from one of the gifts you got.
i guess it's the thought that counts, that even impromptu ideas count.
but what could have been really better, is that you release me from the pain you saw i was in and just let me go.
but you didn't.
and now i'm suffering from uncontrollable outbursts - and the world taints from the bluriness.
it's when everything you do doesn't get recognised.
and you receive blows from all directions, no matter how hard you tried.
it's when you know you become the problem, and you are the problem, even if you know you're not.
it's when you start taking the brunt for everyone else and lose credit for things you didn't do.
and it makes things worse to know that right where you're facing this, signs of the departed approaches, and an occasion descends, and you know you can't mark the point of either, you're lost and you wish you might as well give up and just fade.
and the mooncake is just some leftover you pulled out from one of the gifts you got.
i guess it's the thought that counts, that even impromptu ideas count.
but what could have been really better, is that you release me from the pain you saw i was in and just let me go.
but you didn't.
and now i'm suffering from uncontrollable outbursts - and the world taints from the bluriness.
it's when everything you do doesn't get recognised.
and you receive blows from all directions, no matter how hard you tried.
it's when you know you become the problem, and you are the problem, even if you know you're not.
it's when you start taking the brunt for everyone else and lose credit for things you didn't do.
and it makes things worse to know that right where you're facing this, signs of the departed approaches, and an occasion descends, and you know you can't mark the point of either, you're lost and you wish you might as well give up and just fade.