post-surgery recovery

16 Jul

whilst the doctor called to let us know that she was on the lighter respirator again just before our visit, they acually moved her back to the heavier respirator because they said she seemed to have difficulty with the lighter one. so when we see her, she had 80% of her face covered again. this time, her pacifier was taped to her face so it wouldn't fall off. the respirator was stuck tightly as well. the nurses say that this was so the air wouldn't leak out. if the pacifier drops off, the air will also leak from the mouth. but they assured me that the tapes were meant for skin and wouldn't be painful when peeled off.

post-surgery, it seems that minzy's immunity went down and she developed infection again. they gave her antibody dosage but it doesn't seem like it would be as bad as previously. on the bright side, she was fasting for the surgery but as soon as she began eating again, she put on a little weight and she was now 1.02kg. she could also open her eyes but not for long.

oh.. i was a bit surprised when i saw that she had the diapers on her face. the nurses told me that it was made for her to hug, like a pillow. i guess this is the result of buying too many diapers that she wasn't able to wear. we bought several packs of diapers for babies under 1.8kg but due to the poop pouch, she wasn't able to wear it and urine kept leaking.

i've always thought that she couldn't sleep on her right side because of the poop pouch but today she was sleeping on her right. i could see the scar left behind from her heart surgery. it stretches from the armpit to her upper back. i did hear that the scar will grow in size as the baby grows. at least it doesn't look too obvious now... i'm not too concerned with scars since i kinda think of them as cool and ferocious, but everytime i see it on minzy it just reminds me what a big cut she went through considering her tiny body T_T

nampyeon took her little kicks and zoomed in on her eye.

nurse came in to make some adjustments to minzy's sleeping position and patted her. i'm full of envy. i think, i am always amazed at how minzy is always a little bigger than an adult's palm. she's just so small...

after that the nurse actually told me that i could touch minzy!! i had to wash my hands again and change to a new pair of gloves, and i couldn't touch my phone after that. it was the first time i was touching minzy and i was so, so happy. despite not being able to feel her skin to skin, i could still make out her soft little patches and i was surprised her fingers had such strength, and it was poky. her arms was growing a little chubbily (she was at 1.02kg) and it was nice to the touch. she would occasionally clutch my finger (or rather the glove area) when i place it in her palms, then spread out her hands again. i was able to pat her legs and body as i soothe her. also, i heard her let out a very very tiny cry twice that lasted for just 2secs. it was so so cute i wished that i had it recorded...

i spent almost an hour in there until the nurse had to chase me out because it was almost 3 and nampyeon hadn't gone it. when he did, he could only have 10mins with her since there was some meeting the nurses had to attend. still, nampyeon got to see minzy opening her eyes and flailing her arms and legs in that short span and he was satisfied.

we had tendon in the area after the visit... good lunch!

retinopathy of prematurity

10 Jul

true enough... we were informed the next day that there was a problem with minzy's eyes. it seems that she has gotten some 'rush-type' retinopathy of prematurity - a condition where the blood vessels in the eyes are all screwed up suddenly. they were monitoring her eyes every week because preemies are very likely to suffer from retinopathy due to the oxygen treatment. too much oxygen can be deadly, although the little ones can't be denied oxygen. the doctor who explained to us was not an optician so he roughly told us that she had to be operated on, like it or not. the chances of success was about 60-70% and she could be blind if it fails, or if treatment wasn't administered.

to me... i feel that the eyes are one's most important sense organ... and i couldn't imagine my life if i wasn't able to see. i broke down that night, thinking what minzy's life could be if she couldn't see. nampyeon said we should wait for the optician's diagnosis before we worry too much in advance. but i was so so scared.

11 Jul

the next day, the optician called us and explained the surgery. he said that it was a straightforward procedure - they would use laser treatment to 'stick' the retina in place so it wouldn't move around. the crooked blood vessels had caused the retina to move (i wonder if it was related to the black and white portion of the eye separating as i had seen the other day). as it was laser treatment, there was no cutting involved but she would still need to be completely anaesthesized so that no movement will be involved while she's being treated. however, if this surgery fails, they would have to go with the analogue way of cutting up the eyeball to treat the vessels... i really hope this wouldn't happen.

13 Jul

Minzy's surgery was scheduled at 5pm that day and we were told to come around 3+ to approve and sign the papers. we only set off about 3 though, and at about 4pm they told us that they would start the surgery early since the previous surgery ended earlier than expected. in the end we reached around 4.30 but the surgery was already in place.

the doctor said that the surgery would be fast - 30mins was all they need. we waited till about 5.30pm before asking if everything was ok as it was way past 30mins. they forgot to mention the beginning and the ending tidying would require 30mins as well. i was going to pump but held it in since i thought it would be done fast but in the end i went to pump around 530, and the surgery finished at 5.40pm. i had to keep my pump inside and rushed up to the treatment area, as i didn't want to miss accompanying minzy back to NICU - the nurse mentioned we could do that when surgery was over.

the doctor explained the surgery to us, but it wasn't great news. her blood vessels were all messed up but they had done all they could. the good thing was she didn't have any vessels bursting or bleeding in the eye, which would have worsened the situation. the bad thing was it was more messed up than expected, and they will have to check again in a week to see if the vessels were able to untangle themselves post-surgery. if it doesn't, she would have to go through the analogue surgery... which had a very high failure rate... which would result in blindness should it fail...

there was still a week left and nampyeon assured me that we still should not worry too early... because if it does happen... we will have the rest of our lives worrying about it... and he said... that minzy has been so unfortunate so far... that perhaps something good will happen. surely, she can't be having unfortunate things happening to her all the way?

i'm not sure if i should feel assured. but my heart broke when i saw minzy that day. whilst she was free of needles on her hands just 3 days before... she now had needles on both her hands - one feeding blood in. she was breathing fine before but due to surgery, she moved back to breathing tube. her left leg had been poked for blood test and was in a tiny bandage, and the oxygen monitor moved to her right leg. she had patches on her eyes to prevent light post-surgery, but they said it would be removed around 10pm. she had started eating again, after starving for almost a day due to the surgery.

just 3 days before... she was doing well. she was doing so well, i thought it would be the end of her suffering but it was not. i don't know why heavens could be so cruel to a baby. could it be my punishment to see her like this?

baby minzy didn't move as much, but she still moved a little as the anaesthesia wore off, wriggling her leg and sucking on the tubes. she didn't move her hands this time... it must be in pain from all the new injections T_T

trying her best to eat? that little lips.

noticed that her hair is developing a funny pattern..

poor baby.. she doesn't even know what's happening to her. but she's being subjected to a cage, injections after injections, pain... still, she keeps on kicking her little legs, waving her little hands. perhaps it is bliss to not know at all... please let her suffering come to an end with this T_T i have been a bad mother... but i will make it up to her for the rest of her life.

the little santa minzy

7 Jul

We received a call from the hospital with regards to Minzy's new condition: Neonatal Thrombocytopenia. Apparently her platelet count has been constantly deteriorating, but they do not know the cause. they asked if i could come down for a blood test to determine if it's a hereditary factor. i read that the only way to cure this is a blood transfusion, but as they are not sure of the exact cause the remedy can't really be determined. currently it doesn't pose a big threat... but it could mean constant blood transfusions and a need to be careful of everything that causes a cut on her T_T

neither me nor nampyeon has a shortage of platelets or anything odd in our blood (nor anyone else in our families)... i highly doubt it's hereditary... sighs... i guess we can only know once we have our blood tested. Minzy gets a blood transfusion whenever her platelets run low. poor baby... getting blood tests everyday......T__T

9 Jul

so we went down for our weekly visit and had our blood drawn for the test. at first the doctor only needed my blood but after that they decided that the father's blood needed to be drawn too. nampyeon hates needles but seems there was no way out.

when we got to the nicu area, a male young doctor came over to draw our blood. from the way his hands trembled while drawing nampyeon's blood... i could tell it's bad news. i had enough blood drawn to determine who will be poking me more than once to get the right vessel. joking, i told nampyeon that maybe he would be unlucky enough to get himself poked several times.

karma hit me right back. the same doctor poked me TWICE and could not find the vessel. he called another doctor who also had trembling hands, and also poked me TWICE before he decided to draw from the back of my hand that had the largest vessel. they were moving the needle around every poke - it was terrible T_T

Lesson learnt: always have doctors who look inexperienced draw from the back of my hand............. and never laugh at someone scared of needles. whenever i think i have the worst luck in needles... i think of Minzy who gets poked almost every week in different places for 2 months now. that tiny body with all the holes. and i immediately know - these are not even actual pains.

we proceeded to see minzy after that. she was 930g and so much bigger!! and she had changed to the lighter respirator, which gives less air but since she was able to breathe properly it seems ok. the respirator and pacifier looks like santa's beard. amusing.

she kept fluttering her right leg. i wonder if it's a baby's jerk. she also likes to stretch her hands over her hand. hehe. such an active baby. and that little yawn at the back she tried to cover up...

i could see more of her face now that the big respirator was off and she is so so cute. at first she kept covering her right eye with her hand, and when i peeked over at the top her right eye was actually opened. and then, as if caught, she lowered her right hand.

Minzy finally opens her eyes to look around. she has a habit of spitting out her pacifier. i wonder if she dislikes it. but her saliva went all over the place after she punched the pacifier out. oh nooo. i get to see her full face though! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee love her so much!!!

did you catch her iron man fist after she punched out the pacifier...? and all that stretching that follows. *love*

i think her leg kicking is so cute. i can't get enough of her. but i was chased out by the nurse after that oh well.

daddy got to see her full face from start to end though. he even captured her doing a manse pose just for that 2secs he was distracted.

and then he was chased out by nurse as well just when she became ever so active towards the end of the visit. sighs.

i think this is probably minzy at her healthiest and most active stage? but i did notice something weird when i looked at her eyes. the black portion of the eye seem to keep moving away from the white portion. but i didn't know how to explain to the nurse so i just said the eyes seem weird. the nurse didn't think too much of it and brushed it off. but it seems that it was an indication of a bigger problem to come... sighs...

Minzy gets a respirator

2 July

I couldn't see 80% of Minzy today. the doctor told us that she would be changing to a respirator to train her to breathe through the nose, and that her breathing tubes would be removed. so nampyeon and i was kinda expecting her to cry a little and maybe we would be able to see more of her face. however, the sight that greeted us was so different. the respirator covered half of her face and she was sucking a pacifier, so even the bottom of her face couldn't be seen. and she looks like she has a turban on. why does this look more serious than having the breathing tubes...

curious, i asked the nurse how the feeding tube and pacifier works together and she took off her pacifier to show me. somehow minzy must have been super disturbed because she started struggling soooo much. but she was sticking out her tongue while struggling and it looked so cute. towards the eye she opened her eyes for just one second and that was it. i don't know how she could be disturbed so much and yet still keep struggling while sleeping!

In fact i get to see all kinds of things today even though Minzy didn't open her eyes at all. the nurses were cleaning her dung bag - this was done every 2-3 hours. the bag is only changed every 3 days. they used this syringe to suck out the shit. ahhh i really hope they tuck her intestines back in before discharging her..!! iam so afraid of hurting this baby!

her nappy was changed thereafter but i shall not show the video.

it seems that the respirator needed to be cleaned every 4 hours as there's mist build up inside. i was lucky i get to see the whole process. minzy immediately covered her nose once the respirator was removed. i can imagine how irritating the respirator must be... thank goodness she was breathing well, if not they would have to stick those tubes down her again, and keep repeating the whole process till she learns to breathe.

next she was pricked for blood sugar test. unfortunately it seems she has some platelets issue and her count kept dropping. the condition is Neonatal Thrombocytopenia and only blood transfusion can cure it. since it was still not very serious (i think), they started to use steroids to treat it, but the side effects were the sugar level that went up, so they have to do blood test to make sure it doesn't go too high. at the end i think she sneezed twice and there was a little sound made! the nurses did assure me that she could cry so that was all good. we were so worried about every test that she was going through - can she see? can she hear? can she cry? such simple things that we were born with... a premature baby cannot always have them all T_T

minzy yawning and twitching as usual... is it me or is it because the respirator is so heavy that she kept tilting to the side...

0ur mini minzy slept all the way when papa was visiting and so he didn't take any videos in the end. when she was finally about to wake up, the nurses chased nampyeon out saying she had to go through some other tests... poor nampyeon. since minzy didn't really open her eyes again, i wonder if she knew we were there?

Minzy looked so swelled up again, with all the rolls under her face. the nurses did say that it's because all the stuff on her face is pressing her thus causing the rolls but i'm sure it's a mix of both. she does look different every time i visit. i wonder why her face is always the first to bloat when she's under treatement. she's 790g today. hopefully she reaches 1kg when we see her next time. looking forward to how she changes next time... and i hope they take off the respirator soon since she is breathing well! it is pressing too much on her face. ouch...

Dancing minzy

25 June 

680g today! Is she ever going to hit 7?
However she does have a bit of swelling around the ears so i'm not sure if that's considered actual weight.

We have several interesting captures cos she kept her eyes opened for a rather long period. The doctor checked her eyes and said there was no big issue so it means she could actually see us! However whether her vision is perfect it will have to be tested bit by bit.

Here's minzy struggling in her sleep. she almost looks like she's dancing with so much movements XD i'm a little worried with how she wipes her saliva then her eyes, and she's rubbing her eyes so much. i hope the sticker on her hand isn't too rough because that can really cut the soft area around the eyes...

we noticed that she does very fast movements from time to time. it seems that such twitching or jerking is normal for babies? here she suddenly flaps her left arm.

yawning minzy. she raises her left arm very quickly before proceeding to yawn. hurhur.

look at her dopey eyes! she looks at papa in a very pitiful manner (i think she always looks pitiful because of her droopy brows...) and then lifts her tiny left hand in a wave. papa waved back to her XD maybe it's because they put some eye drops in when checking her eyes because it looks like it's glistening and she's opening them so much bigger than before, at a longer time.

and this is my favourite video. she arches her brow and then seems to smile at mama. my cute little fairy!!! i really wish that was a smile! i hope she's happy. though it's hard when you're getting poked left right and center everyday...

Yawning Minzy

18 June

Minzy finally got rid of all her swelling but that meant that her weight dropped again. She was 570g, a 140g increase from birth, for a month and a half old baby.

When we saw her she was already off the sleeping sedation so she was moving a lot and opening her eyes. she could open wider than before.

nampyeon captured so many interesting moments of her. she was yawning a couple of times when he was there. this was the funniest yawn i've seen where she raised her hand while yawning.

and here she smiled after she yawned. it looked like a smile!!

nampyeon told the nurse that the gauze fell off on her right hand and when the nurse went to check minzy raised her hand. it's so cuteeeee

the nurse wrapped her arm with gauze... mobility down again. it's so cute the way she raised her hand as if grabbing the nurse's hand after she was wrapped. ahhhh i really want to touch her and let her grab my hands!!!! thereafter the video shows poor minzy getting her phlegm out with a super long tube. it seems that babies who keep generating lots of saliva usually have phlegms, so it needs to be sucked out with a tube. but gosh it went so deep.... i wouldn't have been able to take it ughhh strong baby. then again she can't really resist. T_T

it's really a good thing she's getting so much better, but she needs to put on more weight....... T_T

i'm not fine

i realised that it really wasn't mr useless that i don't want to see... but it was just people.
people who knows about it but whom i'm not close to.
people who have a 99.9% tendency to ask 'how are you', but who will not be able to respond to 'i'm not fine'.
people who i have to lie and say 'i'm fine' because i don't really want to tell them why i'm not fine.
mostly, people who can't do anything about your situation other than offer words and looks of pity.

rather than that, i'd prefer talking and meeting people who don't know about it. at least they won't ask you 'how are you', in that awkwardly pitiful tone.

next time you want to ask someone who's been through shit, the answer is 'i'm not fine and you can't do anything about it so for god's sake just stop asking and get on with it'. unless, of course, you could really give a miracle and undo everything that's happened, stop pretending that you even care.

happy 1 mth, minzy!

11 June

our 1 week visit was actually on 10th, but we decided to go on the 11th cos it would be Minzy's 1 mth.

i can't say how happy i am that she has gotten this far! and she was looking so so so much better when we saw her.

for one, the number of machines were only 2-3 now. and she has only one IV on her right hand. she was off the trembling oxygen. her blood pressure has stabilized so she doesn't need the med anymore. she was also passing larger amounts of poop and urine. however, her weight was still at 540g, and the doctors say that this is her actual weight without the bloat and any weight she put on from then onwards should become her actual weight. at least she looks much normal now without all the extra bloat on her neck and ears. also, they have removed her sedation so we should expect more movements, and she would also open her eyes at times.

true enough, she was still tiny but she was moving a lot! both her arms and legs were moving at once (so it dispelled our worries that she might be half-paralysed). she opened her eyes to look at us (but i'm not sure if she could actually see us, since babies can only see black and white).

i noticed her diapers were too big and it turns out that they have finished using the preemie diapers we got for her (they should have told us!!). it was so big that minzy could rest her right leg on top of it. i wonder if she kept stretching her legs because it was so tiring to rest it on top... her excretion bag seems to have gotten much bigger too. i guess she can hug it as a pillow now...

i quickly snapped this when i saw that she kept struggling to open her eyes. kyaaaaaa!!! this little cutie!!! (btw there's a baby crying super loudly in the background cos it just had a shot.. poor thing...)

nampyeon captured something even cuter. minzy stretched out her arm and grabbed the iv drip in front of her. it's so adorable i have been playing it everyday and sending it to those who knows about it. too good to not share!

today we received the labels stamped with 1 month on it. can't say how much satisfaction i derive from looking at it.

my milk volume has also increased. so much that i needed to separate it into 3-5packs, since Minzy can't drink so much at once. thankfully she's drinking 10ml every 3 hours now! please drink more!!

the doctors also told us that we needed to get the fortification powder for our milk so that the nutrients can be enhanced for the baby. it sells in boxes of 100 and can only be brought in from overseas. it's a whooping 160usd for this... whoa.

we were also told to get preemie pacifiers. i made a mistake and got small milk bottles instead... the search words they gave me in korean led to these results T_T yes, you gotta give a foreigner the picture instead of the keywords you know... the bottles are still very cute and hopefully we'll get to use them when minzy's discharged.

the actual pacifier we were supposed to get. it's called a philips wee thumbie. the ones i found was like 40usd with shipping. gg. thank goodness there was a local shop selling all products for preemies but it was still around 15usd. so cute! i wonder when she will get to use it cos her mouth's full of tubes...

there wasn't a lot that we can do for her 1 mth except give her the 'presents' that the hospital needs. hopefully she will be much bigger at our next visit... here's a final picture of my adorable minzy... (gosh, all the mini curly wurly baby hair!) just when can i touch her... T_T

i kept thinking as i look at the videos and photos... that IV cap on her right hand. i had it on me previously and it was so small, but on her it looked like a cannon (as nampyeon says)... how is she able to wave it around so frequently?

it hurts so much if my iv was pricked near the joints... and the needle was small for me. but a small needle for me is something huge for minzy.. and if i were to make a comparison, the size of that needle to her arm is like a knife to my arm... how was she able to endure all the pricking? nampyeon did tell me there were preemie needles, but i wonder how small it could be... technology is amazing... but minzy (and all the other preemies) are even more amazing, for enduring such pain when they are so so young... so much so it hurts my heart just to think about the pain she's going through. :( my strong baby...

oh, and i took a picture of her feet cos it was just so tiny and cute. those little toes. *love*

antibodies

9 June

it seems that the weight gain was due to bloatedness, and her weight soon dropped back to 540g. the doctor told us that while it seems that the infection is still there, they were convinced that the antibodies were slowing killing it. they had picked samples of the fungus from her faeces and treated it with antibodies, and it showed that it was effective. so perhaps it was being reduced, but it was just not visible or the change wasn't big enough to show that it really works.

linzy's last moments

6 June

we called the hospital to check for minzy's weight. she was at 610g and we were elated. though her infection was still there, her blood pressure was stabilizing and she was able to eat again.

that night... we had a short talk when we slept over Linzy's last moments.

of course i wasn't there to witness it, but nampyeon was near at least.
he was confused and still trying to absorb everything that happened. he was actually sleeping while i was giving birth, and was only notified that the delivery was over once everything was a done deal.
he got to nicu, and the doctors were trying to resuscitate linzy. both the twins were breathing and fine when they left the delivery room, but linzy heartbeat suddenly dropped when she was in nicu.

we realised this only after everything was over, when we started to check what people did when they had preterm deliveries. of course, the cases were far and few, but there were cases when a mom put her baby to her heart, and the baby turned from blue to pink, and eventually survived. there was also a case where nampyeon found, where one of the twin stopped breathing and the nurse suggested putting the baby next to its sibling, and miraculously, the living twin put his hand on his struggling sibling in a hugging action, and the sibling started breathing again.

there was of course not much scientific explanation for these happenings other than the babies feeling familiarity and warmth of where they previously belonged. perhaps in the twins' case - they were always together in the womb and the sudden separation left it struggling.

the thought didn't cross us because we were afraid that whatever we did would have harmed the babies. what if we wanted to hug the baby but instead of doing that, having the doctor resuscitate the baby would have helped it better? nampyeon was in a daze watching the doctors surround linzy, and one of them pressing his hands to her heart. but her heartbeat was zero, and the doctors told him that he should probably give up.

that was when he called me, as i was lying in the recovery area. my baby was dying on me and i was so far away. i couldn't do anything and neither could he. but when he recalled to me that night, he said that he should have probably went over and held linzy as she passed on. perhaps she would have felt her father's warmth as she went away, instead of being surrounded by strangers in a cold, glass incubator.

i teared when i heard his recount. i knew that while i was lying there after my delivery, i was not allowed visitors nor movement, and i could not have made it to linzy's final moments. to be honest, i didn't think that linzy would pass on. i thought she would have hung on, and waited for her mom to come see her. i knew that they wanted us to give up, but i didn't know that once the hand went off she would be gone forever. when i held her, i thought she was just sleeping. but she was gone, and they wouldn't have let me held her if she wasn't.

over the critical period!

3 June

it was a looong wait as we got startled at every phone call, thinking it might be from the NICU. we couldn't stay near the hospital because there was no one taking care of our FIL at night. in fact, there was one night where he broke out in sweat in the kitchen and he shouted for nampyeon weakly. thankfully i heard it and nampyeon was able to administer his insulin in time, as his blood sugar level was very low. we prayed that minzy would get through these few days.

Minzy didn't let us down. we called the hospital before our visit - since i had to be there for my post-delivery blood test - and was told Minzy was stabilizing. they were already reducing her blood pressure medicine.

we dropped by around 10+am for my blood test, and a post-consultation with my doctor-in-charge. i almost teared when the doctor asked how my baby was doing doing pre-analysis, but i held myself well. after he took down my concerns, we met with the main doctor. he had analysed my placenta and commented that the infection rate for both minzy and linzy wasn't high, and there was no link that suggests it led to the fungal infection minzy has now (as opposed to what the doctors at nicu had suggested). the infection rate was higher for minzy than linzy. still it doesn't mean that there was no link at all. he also took a sample of my vagina secretion for cancer test. he said that since i didn't tear my vagina during the delivery, my recovery was much faster, and i am now able to go back to my 'normal' life - confinement over, able to go into water, able to exercise etc.

it was all great news for me, but i was still feeling terrible at heart.

when we dropped by, minzy was blinking and her eyes shifted here and there. i was suddenly so excited - i thought she could see me when she looked like she was looking at me. in fact, nampyeon said that minzy's so small she probably wouldn't see anything even if she looked like she was looking at me. she was moving her right arm and leg this time, and i heaved a sigh of relief as there was a period of time we thought half of her might be paralysed. her ears were still bloated and so was the right side of her neck. this time, we noticed that she was generating a lot of saliva as she kept making saliva bubbles. it was actually very cute. her hands and feet was so tiny and it was making so much movements that i fell in love with minzy all over again. she was so, so cute. even nampyeon said that she was very cute (but then he's not sure if she will be pretty =_=). the nurse went to wipe it off gently and minzy struggled a little. she then used her finger to stroke minzy's forehead, saying that 'it's ok.. it's ok...'. i was so envious of the nurse. i want to touch minzy and tell her that it's ok (except that it's really not) as well. i want to hug her and hold her little hands T_T

there were 2 doctors who came in to check her bowel movements while i was there. there were 3 little poop (which by the way look like some bugs) in her PU bag and the doctors were using their gloved fingers to shift it away from the intestines. they pressed on the intestines a couple of times and i was worried minzy might be pained from all that organ touching. the nurse assured me that there it was not painful and it was ok to touch the intestines like that. okay.

since she was over the critical 3 day period, the doctors still commented that she would have to make it past 1 week for her to be really stable (even so, how stable could NICU babies be...). her infection was dropping and her blood pressure etc was all stabilizing. it was really good news. she was able to pass urine and faeces normally now. she still had slight bleeding in her brains, but the focus now was really the candida infection.

i was able to take a lot of videos and pictures of her now that she was doing better. i was so glad and happy. nampyeon took many more too - he even took zoomed-in videos of her hands and her feet moving individually XD

i couldn't bear to leave this cute little thing when our visit was over. we had a nice shabu lunch/dinner before heading home.

i didn't think we would finish those vege and that large pile of beansprout... but we did!

anyway... back at home... i thought i should also remember this. everytime they print the labels for my milk, i feel a sense of satisfaction as the days increase. Minzy started eating again today. She was day 24, and i hope she will have many many more happy days to come.

Minzy's second surgery...

31st May

Nampyeon woke up with a good dream - he walked in NICU and found Minzy all big and healthy, and she was moving all her limbs. We thought it might be a good sign and called NICU to check if Minzy put on weight.

Unfortunately, reality turned out to be so much different. Her weight dropped by 20g to 540g... and nothing else changed T_T

In fact, what added on to our worries was the return call at 1.20pm. The doctor told us to visit immediately as they were scheduling an emergency surgery for her. They suspected rupturing of her organs due to gas accumulation but they were not sure where since it couldn't be seen via x-ray. they had to open her up to check which area was ruptured. We ended up taking bus all the way over. The doctor couldn't wait for our consent on paper and had to proceed before we arrived, around 4pm. When we reached, it was already 5pm. they told us that a simple operation would take an hour, but if they are unable to find the cause it would take 3hrs. we prayed that it would be a simple operation.

thankfully it ended around 5+pm, and we were able to see Minzy after they wrapped up the operation. the surgeon told us that an obstruction was found in her intestines, which blocked her ability to pass faeces. they had to cut off the connection and bring the intestines outside, so that poop can be passed directly from the intestines and into a bag. to put the intestines back, Minzy would have to be at least 2.5-3kg. she'd have to live with her intestines hanging out till then :((

Minzy was still asleep from the operation, but she looked like one huge mess. the first thing i saw was about 10machines hooked on her (there was so many it stacked from the floor to the ceiling) - blood pressure medicine, 3 different types of antibodies (that goddamn fungus infection..), nutrients, stabilizer, etc.

At first she was covered up with a blanket from neck onwards, so it didn't look so bad. but after that the nurse came in to adjust her and removed the blanket, and i could see the tip of her intestines poking out of her stomach and into a PU bag. her eyes were taped so that tears would not be generated from all her blinking. her limbs were all taped up from the drips... and she had slight bleeding from all the new IV injections. somehow her ears look bloated and she wasn't moving at all. her head was bandaged so they could attach a new monitoring device which checks the oxygen level and blood pressure. her blood pressure was low (about 43, but it dropped to 35 while i was there) and they needed to feed medicine to raise it. the doctor says that these 3 days would be the most critical period to see if she could hold up. she was so tiny... my heart broke for her T_T

i lingered around till the nurses told me they had to do a blood test (gosh, thank goodness they were drawing it from one of the bigger IV holes), and was too traumatized to take any photos. nampyeon, on the other hand, took photos and he commented that they seem to be making a cyborg out of her with all the wires around. i'm so sorry minzy...... T_T

nampyeon comforted me by saying that since she was under stabilizing medicine, she probably wouldn't feel pain since she'd be in dream land. i really hope that she would be having a nice candy dream, not shocked back into this painful reality. i was hopeful, because nampyeon had a good dream. i was sure i'd be able to see his dream someday.

Resting place

30 May 

You know how the government desperately wants you to have kids when they give you lots of stuff to celebrate the birth of your babies. we received 2 boxes full of things needed for baby life - a mommy bag, baby swaddlers, thermometers, napkins, clothes, pillows etc. they were very cutely designed and i really appreciate the thoughtfulness of the local province. of course, one box was for Linzy and the other for Minzy. they were nice enough to give 2 boxes of different things for us. i really hope i get to use them when Minzy is discharged.

also, we decided to split the flowers from charis into different pots, since we didn't have one that was big enough for the whole basket. we placed 1 in the kitchen, 1 in the living room and 2 along our 2nd floor corridor.

i really don't know how to keep plants and i hope they can last longer in their new pots. but it seems that some stalks were already withering. nampyeon kept saying that florists must be people who don't like flowers... because if they do, why would they pluck the flowers from their environment and shorten their life?

i guess it's because they didn't know that most of the people who receive flowers don't really know how to care for them... if not the flowers wouldn't have such a short life... well, at least there was a point in their life where they were most beautiful and most valuable, and they brought happiness to someone.


while organizing my things i came across the first ultrasound scan i had that had just 2 embryos. at first i kept thinking that Kinzy and Linzy were my original embryos and Minzy was the 3rd child brought about by Linzy. however i realised that it was not so. Linzy was actually the 3rd child brought about by Minzy, in fact. She was the weakest of the 3 with the lightest weight, and she had a hole in her heart. I remembered because the doctor looked in detail for a long long time at her hollow heart, on my right stomach. however, towards the last 2 months of pregnancy, she suddenly grew bigger than everyone else. i was told the baby on the right side was bigger as well. that was when the doctor suspected TTTS, since she was always about 30g heavier than Minzy. however, that 30g actually doesn't mean anything. it was just normal for twins to have different weight, as long as they are not too far off, and the weights are monitored closely for any disparity.

When Linzy was born, she was at 450g and Minzy at 430g. Minzy is actually our 2nd embryo. it was unfornate that the sister she brought out didn't survive with her. she must have wanted a sibling so much. the twins must have grieved when Kinzy passed on. they must have been distressed in my womb, when their dead sibling was just a membrane away.

knowing that the 2 embryos weren't the ones who went to heaven... i decided to change my picture so all of us could be together, forever, at least in this tiny space in our house.

this was the only photo i have where the triplets were captured together. i remembered how elated i was when i saw them all together. i had received a bunch of  20 other photos together with this, were each baby were scanned and printed for me everytime i went for ultrasound. this was the picture i wanted to post to announce my joy.

it's ok. mommy and daddy will always have the three of you pictured together, in our hearts.

A chinese feast

28 May

Nampyeon woke up with me for pumping sessions that day. he had actually tried to wake and help me with pumping every night, washing the parts for me so that i could finish and sleep longer. sometimes he was forgetful and he would leave the parts in the kettle, so i wasn't able to pump immediately but had to wait for them to dry in our steriliser. i'd get angry at him and i almost cried at him once because i was so frustrated at having to wake up at 3am, just to wait 20-30mins for the items to be dried and UVed. i lacked sleep and it wasn't putting me in the correct state of mind.

today, however, after the quarrel yesterday, i was able to sleep within 5-10mins of lying in bed. i had already given up on my alarms, relying on my bodily reaction to wake up. i'd pee every 2.5-3hrs if i drink after every session, and my boobs would fill up and start hurting at regular times. there was really no need for alarms anymore. sure, there were times when i'd wake up after 4 or 5hours, but i didn't care anymore. the fatigue was getting to me, and i figure i'd just be more diligent during the day instead to press out the lumps, and have more ice pack therapy.

nampyeon woke up after a pretty good dream. he saw kinzy and linzy in his dreams, but they became our future son. i wonder why my babies never appeared in my dreams, but frequently appeared in his.

we woke up just 10mins before we were supposed to get out. we had a lunch appointment with his sister and his sister hates it when we are late. fortunately, i was able to get ready in less than 10mins. i had already given up washing myself so i just changed and used toner pads to freshen myself. i had placed my new breastfeeding clothes from taobao in the airdresser yesterday so i just slipped on one of them. i could do the pumping in the car since the journey was about 1.5hrs to seoul.

i was so so glad his sister arranged for this meal. it was an authentic chinese meal at last! to top it off, the meal was pure luxury. i love every dishes they had. we went for the course meal and it was about 160k won per person. i actually wouldn't pay that much for a meal but his sister was treating so it was all awesome.

the side dishes given were szechuan vege, pickled cucumbers and cashew nuts. we had freeflow chinese tea.

to start off, we had shark's fins!!! i have never seen such a big piece of fin in my life...

fried scallops!

sea cucumber with crystal dumpling. dumpling was unxpectedly so-so.

marinated beef slices. i was already 90% full at this point

and they said that noodle/rice would be served. there was 3 options so we got one of each. the noodles used in jamppong and jajangmyeon was so nice! the flavour was clean and fresh. i'd totally recommend the jajangmyeon!

i love the dessert too. it was tangerine puree with sago, topped with longans.

i realised that we had to pay additional to eat in a room. each room was labeled with a chinese flower ingredient.

i'm sad to leave this place.

i went home to finally open up the flower box that charis had sent me. it came yesterday but i was so out of it i hadn't had time to look at it.

the bunch of flowers on the left had specks of blue stalks inside and reminded me of the bouquet i used during my wedding. this was probably the first supportive present i've received... knowing that not many knew about what i was facing. it was comforting and it was nice to know that there was someone who cared enough to send me this... to make me feel better. i was not a flower person but it was still nice to receive them once in a while.